Friday, December 7

4a-2 fried eggs, 2 sl bacon, 2 sl GF bread, micro cake, 2c reg, supps
530a-2c reg
915a-Americano w/ SF syrup
1045a-coconut flakes w/ Sunbutter
1230p-can DCC
1p-can tuna, oz almonds, supps
215p-oz almonds
7p-fish & stir fry, bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, micro cake, 2c senna tea w/ T coconut milk, supps
830p-2T coconut butter
Throughout day-2 quarts water
Moderate carb day. Scheduled to be low, but not enough sleep, swapped days around a bit.

Sleep: 6.5 hours in bed, 9p-330a. It was solid, but not nearly enough. Ugh.

Body: Feels pretty good. Once again I was going to log a metcon-style workout at lunch (was thinking swings & pull-ups) but changed my mind. Low sleep, plus I suffered far too many mental breakdowns today for my body to handle any extra anything. Hopefully this weekend I'll take a packing break to love up my squat rack.

Stretches x3 (530a, 1230p, 8p). No pulls: no energy.

Brain: Up & down. And up & down and up & down. A serious roller-coaster day, and I have to spew it all out somewhere. Feel free to leave now.

I started out tired, but went to NSS bearing Christmas treats, so that was good (as always) until at the last minute I found a massive error I couldn't figure out, then went into panic! mode! Left (late) for TS very agitated, drove past a runner, and then I just started bawling unexpectedly. Non-stop big heaving sobs, the kind where I should have pulled over. I kept saying "Stop it stop it stop it," and guess what...that doesn't work at all!

I did start to recover a bit at the stop light, but then I saw yet another runner, somehow the same chick I saw yesterday morning (so this bitch gets to run consecutive days?!), and BOOM the tears flowed again. Sat in my car in the parking lot to recover, then headed straight down to the Well to fix my makeup. Awesomely, Dustin came in right behind me. I must have looked acceptable, though, he didn't look shocked by my appearance or anything.

To purge all that shit and start over fresh, I delivered homemade Christmas gifts (a delicious breakfast-sausage-spice mix) to my besties, fetched me a (free!) Americano, and finally I actually began working at 930am, feeling good. But immediately started fighting with technology. Stupid things happening, weird senseless unexplainable problems.

I also felt half-sick all day about the NSS issue, though I tried hard to focus on TS. Somehow I survived and managed to get out of there before 230p (thus only a 44-hour week!) - and went back to NSS. Soon found the error that had prompted the morning's panic attack. WHEW! Spent more time there than I intended, but made progress on the software conversion with Dustin. Even heard from mom that she is dropping off my birthday gift this weekend. They didn't forget about me! Things are going good!

And then...I watched Dustin, Mike, & Jason head out for a short run. Tears came back. A little while later, made it home, and I was doing better, venting about the fucked-up day to Hop, even laughing at my stupid emotional over-reactions, feeling okay again...until he said, "Maybe you need to find a new hobby." Knife to my heart. I immediately went to the bathroom and bawled (#3 for the day? #4?). After I recovered I told him that he could never say that again. And got no apology. No anything. Dead silence. All night.

Fuck.

Everybody.

The weird thing is, I haven't been thinking about running all that much, and before today I was doing really well in keeping my attitude up. But somehow, seeing that running chica this morning, right after the NSS issue had sent me spiraling, was just the last straw on top of my massive pile o' stressors and I simply could not handle it. And even after I'd climb back up out of the drops, I couldn't maintain any emotional strength. Zero perspective. I felt like an utter disaster all day.

POTD:


Sure feels apt this week.

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