Tuesday, October 16

6a-fried egg, chicken sausage, cauli-browns, c reg w/ T coconut milk, supps
730a-3c reg w/ T coconut milk
945a-bag pork jerky, 2c half-caff
1130a-personal training
1230p-bag Cholula jerky, oz almonds, can Zevia, supps
345p-coconut flakes & Sunbutter, c chicken broth*
6p-6oz chicken, c spaghetti squash, supps
Throughout day-3.5 quarts water

*This is my world: (1) Someone stashes a jar of liquid in "my" snack drawer. (2) I immediately recognize it as homemade bone broth from Joy. (3) I have to stop myself from literally squealing with delight upon finding it! And just in case you're wondering, (4) it's damn delicious.

Sleep: 9 hours in bed, 845p-545a. Took a bit to fall asleep, but damn solid once I did. Thank you, 2 Benadryl and no husband! Probably could have slept longer, but even princesses gotta get up and get shit done.

Body: PM pulls 3x2. Aching feet and left Achilles upon waking, but all else was FINE already. Now that is speedy recovery! Both Achilles/calves stayed tight, but nothing to worry about.

Digestive system is moving again thanks to senna tea, but it's now at the opposite end of the spectrum (to the point where I had to stop at the gas station in Osakis - 5 minutes after I left home)! Be very careful with that stuff, folks. It's more effective & powerful than the POTUS, I'm telling you.

Really tired about 5pm on my drive home. Nothing imperative to do at home, so I sat my ass on the couch with kitties & the DVR. Justified since tomorrow night I'll be at an LAPW event & home late.

Brain: So much better. Sleep has worked some serious magic - like it always does.

NCP meeting with Steve to drop calories a bit today/tomorrow (to 1700) then back to eating by feel to fuel up for the 50k, through Sunday recovery. Starting Monday of next week, drop to 1700 daily, and drop out 25g carbs, which means getting down to about 100g per day. Shouldn’t be too difficult, really just means no micro cakes and the like. Also means I have to be sure to cook up a big stash of healthy goodness on Sunday – whether or not I feel like I was hit by a train. After that week, he’s going to play with carb cycling. Half yay (for fat loss) and half ugh (for restriction) – I will just have to keep my mind on the goal.

While talking to Steve this morning, I said “So many goals, so little time” and then paused and thought about the “so little time” part of that. Really? What timeline am I working on? Is there a certain date I need to be “skinny” by? No. Foolishness.

And elsewhere in the convo with him, and with Dustin while training, some reflectiond on the difficulty of holding the big picture perspective when faced with adversity of some kind, be it an injury or just a bad day of training. It’s hard to remember, especially in the thick of it, but it’s ALL temporary – the bad stuff and the good stuff. All you have is RANOW. If it's bad right now, see if there are any obvious reasons things went off track, reset yourself, and move forward by avoiding those derailments. Furthermore, you only look back long enough to find learning points - you leave everything else (disappointment, hurt, rage, whatever) right there in the past.

And we all forget that even the good stuff is temporary – but the good stuff should be held in your memories and revisited often. I have a very strong tendency to look at my TC marathon photo and think, defeatedly, that I’m not that same person: I’m slower, I’ve DNFd, I've DNSd, I've failed at other things, I’ve suffered more injuries, I weigh 15lbs more, etc. But while those things may be true I AM STILL THE PERSON IN THAT PHOTO. I am still the person who qualified for Boston. Who won a 10k. Who won a 5k. Who ran a 50k. Who hit 10 consecutive pullups one year after doing my first ever pullup. Who deadlifted 225. Who benched 110. Who squatted 155. And furthermore, I still have the ability to achieve those things in the future. Maybe not today, maybe not a month from now…but I can meet or even exceed those achievements again. If I want to.

And that might be the key, that last line. Steve asked me about goals in terms of the very big picture, like 5 years from now. I didn't even have an answer. I used to have a huuuuge list of BHAGs: Copper Canyon Ultra Marathon, Western States, etc. Now I feel almost scared to make plans, because lately I have aimed too high and failed and when I fail, I fail HARD. I take it personally. I get discouraged. I don't quite give up, but I feel like I might as well. I need to learn how to fail forward.

And even after thinking about "big" goals for much of the day...I still don't have an answer. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I am struggling with the idea of doing my job forever; I am struggling with the idea of what I want to focus on post-Boston; I am struggling with defining any of this. Highly unusual for someone with such an Achiever/Perfectionist mindset. And far too close to the "old me" for comfort.

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