Monday, September 17

530a-s turkey pepperoni, c reg, supps
6a-few bites carnitas, c reg w/ .5c almond milk & stevia
630a-taught class; did warm-up, few static squats & wall sits
730a-2c reg
930a-coconut flakes w/ Sunbutter, 2c decaf
1215p-c roasted veg, 2oz almonds, med apple, supps
415p-coconut flakes w/ Sunbutter
5p-4.56m run, hill repeats
630p-2c raw veg w/ guac, 3.25oz carnitas, sm apple, supps
Throughout day-2.5 quarts water

Sleep: In bed 9 hours, 8-5. Yeah, I was in bed at 8pm. Jealous? Up at 2a for b/r, otherwise pretty solid. Except sometime in the early AM I dreamt that I stepped on the scale, and I weighed 180 lbs. Seriously, brain? Fuck off.

Body: Felt fine, little tightness doing class warm-up. Postponed run until after work due to United Way week busy-ness, and used it as a chance to hit hills. Felt good but I did have some left-shin soreness from the start. Kept the freak-out feelings buried. At home, feet felt sore.

Brain:Came to a realization on tonight's run, listening to some religious discussions: you can't choose what to believe. You either believe, or you don't. I don't believe in a god, and I can't CHOOSE to believe in a god. If you can't relate to that, consider choosing to change your religious beliefs to Buddhism & reincarnation or the Hindu gods or whatever...feels impossible, right? You believe what you believe, and that just is who you are. Beliefs certainly can change over time - didn't I go to a Catholic college? Yet I didn't choose to stop believing in god, there was no conscious choice made, I just...stopped believing.

Where I'm going with this: in the same way, my belief in myself went down the tubes, and I'm left believing that I suck most days. I can't just CHOOSE to believe I'm awesome or as [fit, strong, whatever] as another person. I can look at my past achievements and see awesomeness, but I don't apply those to who I am now, today. My belief in me today is in the shitter. I don't know how to turn that around, but I know that I need to do so.

I decided to eliminate 2 more things from my life: (1) Things that contribute to my low self-esteem. Obviously the smarter solution is to work on WHY these things make me feel so inadequate, but at this time I don't have the energy. (2) Certainly many factors contributed to my downhill slide two years ago, but perhaps one of them was too much information. I got obsessed with reading about dieting and training, and I don't think that it really did me any good. Am I any farther along, or have I fairly steadily gained weight? Didn't I just give up on my own brain and turn to Steve?

So anyway...this morning I unsubscribed from two running podcasts; they are about ultra-running and while some days it's inspiring to hear about someone running 100 miles, most days I just feel the unfairness that my body won't even let me run daily, much less log a 100-mile week (the fact that I don't really want to is irrelevant, of course). I deleted two fitness-related podcasts, including the Fitcast. I unsubcribed from the Runner's World Quote of the Day email & Metabolic Effect emails. I hid a bunch more peeps on FB, even good ones. I nearly canceled my Leigh Peele membership, but couldn't quite commit. (Downloaded her latest podcast and will decide based on that.) Getting ruthless about the people and information I let into my life. Hope it helps.

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