Sunday, August 19

530a-2c cantaloupe, s protein pudding, c reg, supps
9a-banana pancakes w/ SF syrup, T cashew butter 2 sl bacon, 4s macaroons, 2c reg w/ 2T coconut milk
3p-BLT w/ mayo & mustard, sm apple, bag apple chips, can Zevia
715p-protein pudding, supps
Throughout day-2 quarts water

Sleep: 12 hours in bed, 5p-5a. Like a god damned rock. Napped 1030-1, too.

Body: Surprisingly good. Calves are tight as hell, but the rest feels pretty fine; knees complain going down stairs, typical post-run feelings. Overall fatigue & mental fog, though. Sticked calves a couple times.

Brain: Re-rode the mental rollercoaster of Ragnar by doing the full write-up. Exhausting. Ate my carb-indulgent pancakes and decided I either need to attend pancake-making class or give up. The effort outweighs the resulting messy pile of underdone-middles! But the memories of a perfect stack of buttery, fluffy pancakes keeps me trying...god I miss them. Anyway, made up for the 'cake failure by finishing off my macaroons. I think my house is almost out of carbs now. Took a bath & a nap.

More emotional rollercoaster as I lay there: unfairness of being able to pull physical feats out of my ass like everyone else...blamed my need for high recovery in all aspects, which I normally attend to so it isn't a problem, but remove my recovery, and I fall apart...although I can perhaps do more impressive things than "everyone else" when I AM fully recovered...but look how much effort it takes: even though I paid the same as everyone else this weekend I was the only one who had to pre-plan my every meal & bring everything I needed, and the only thing I consumed from our stash was water, and I couldn't indulge in anything anywhere...which led to how I'm so tired of constantly thinking about food due to fat loss but especially sensitivities...my struggle to enjoy going out to eat or eating at a friend's house - basically every bite of food outside my own house...tired of analyzing everything and feeling like I still know nothing (not true, but you know how these rollercoasters are)...realized that physically I actually did great this weekend, but mentally I failed and had to walk, MENTALLY I had zero strength left...why don't I have any mental strength left anymore, what has changed, did I ever have it?...or if are all of my issues due to setting expectations too high for myself, then how do I find a balance of challenging myself without setting the bar so high that I'm guaranteed to miss it and fail...or how do I learn to accept failures as stepping stones...ugh. Somehow I stopped there, but I could have gone on and on forever. I know that sharing this makes me look like a pathetic basketcase, but it's all part of my "BE REAL" campaign.

Trip to Sauk for groceries displayed more mental fog as I felt stupidly slow and blinked mole-like at everything. (Wearing glasses didn't help, but my eyes needed a break from contacts.) The world just felt too loud and bright. I felt a little better back home. Briefly considered lifting, which sounded appealing, but the warm-up sounded exhausting. Smartly vegged with reading material instead, then bill-paying, then back to reading. Extra impressive: I managed to get all of my chores done, too.

Ended the day feeling better than this post shows, but still too tired to edit or clarify any of it.

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