Monday, August 20

4a-2 fr eggs, turkey patty, .5c asparagus, micro cake, 2c reg w/ T coconut milk, supps
6a-can DCP
630a-taught class (did warmup & some static squats, lunges, SL 1/4 squats)
730a-Americano w/ SF syrup
945a-s Sunbutter, half oz almonds
12p-3.41m run w/ Lisa (some walking)
115p-2oz roast beef, c roasted veg, s Sunbutter, can Zevia, supps
530p-1.5c raw veg w/ TC guac, c asparagus w/ vinegar, coco cake w/ T Sunbutter, supps
Throughout day-2 quarts water

IF: Planned to fast all day, but shelved the idea due to low sleep. Two days at a work conference this week might force some fasting anyway due to food options.

Sleep: In bed 6.5 hours, 9-330. Wide awake at 3, got up for b/r, couldn't fall back asleep. Weird. Took a long, leisurely, relaxing breakfast to make up for it.

Body: Still tight calves. Low back very tight when I got up but good as I got moving. Calves were not happy during the run, but they did not seem to get any angrier.

Diet Summary post updated.

Brain: Normal again. Mostly. Helped to run with Lisa, as her third Ragnar run was similarly crappy and disappointing and she beat herself up just like I did. We are so much better than that, why are we so fucking mean to ourselves??

Got an email from BAA about registering for Boston by the end of August. I was instantly filled with anxiety and couldn't even feel excited as I read the email. I know I need to register and commit, lest I regret it forever - but I am worried: once again, I will need to train during tax season. I can back down a little more on my hours there, but I can't just skip it. They need me, and I need the dinero. But I also need to balance that with my mental state so that the stress does not take away all physical ability. Witness my final run at Ragnar: when my brain is overloaded, I shut right the fuck down. So what if the stress beats me up and my training sucks again? Even if I am not injured, my brain could take me down. So how do I push myself mentally to get it done? Where do I find the mental strength & self-confidence to take this on as a perfectly surmountable challenge?

I think it comes down to pushing that flywheel, turn by turn, little by little, incremental success by incremental success, using that momentum to create more momentum. But I don't know how to keep creating successes, because I still don't know why I keep "failing" and stopping and having to re-start. And I'm so, so, SO fucking tired of trying to figure it out. I want someone to just tell me exactly what to do, and I'll do it, and I can stop second-fucking-guessing every-fucking-thing.

With my 6-week fat-blasting plan back in 2010, Dustin told me exactly how many calories to eat, and I followed his rules, and it was easy, mentally. Even when I struggled and wanted to overeat, it was very easy to tell myself, "Too bad, so sad, Dustin sat down and took the time to make this plan for you, so you need to follow it, so suck it up!" And I did. Take away as many decisions as possible, like an elite athlete...or prisoner...maybe I need a plan from him again. Or maybe I should sit down with Steve. (And make Mike run with me, and make Dustin keep me sane, and Jesus Aitch why am I so fucking helpless??) Dustin, any thoughts?

And, can I plan to do both Boston and the powerlifting meet (assuming there is one again)? Or do I need to skip that idea for this year and just be Joy's support crew? And if so, how the fuck do I get over the desire to Do All The Things? Martin Rooney says, "The most important thing is to make the most important thing the most important thing." I know that is true, but...all of these things are important. Having a Wonder Woman brain in a Normal Woman body is god damn tough!!

I also got the "Price goes up tomorrow" email for the Monster Dash 10-miler. I want to do it, it sounds fun, I could run with Timmy, it's a guaranteed PR...but it's a week after the 50k, which makes it a bad idea...on the other hand, last year I ran 9.37 trail miles w/ Greg P a week later with zero ache-related complaints in the DM post...and hot damn, have you seen the kick-ass jacket?!

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