Thursday, May 17

545a-2 fr eggs, oz venison bacon, 2 sl toast, micro cake, 2c reg, supps - normal breakfast
7a-c reg
8a-2c decaf w/ 2T coconut creamer
9a-Larabar, oz almonds, sm apple, supps - pre-emptive to fuel training
1130a-personal training
1p-2 hours ditch cleaning
330p-2 turkey dogs, 2s onion crackers, sm apple, supps - normal hunger during trash-picking/very depleted by the time we finished
6p-2 cookies worth of raw cookie dough, 3 cookies, fr egg, 2oz venison bacon, supps - cravings/normal hunger
 Throughout day: 3 quarts water

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, quite solid. Woke w/o alarm at 530p. Still feeling a little tired.

Body: Bit tight all over, nothing major. Left Achilles still tight in AM but much better by training time. Considered biking to/from training, but just didn't have the desire. Same with after work, had planned to swim, but just didn't sound appealing (and after trash picking, the answer was definitely HELL NO). Gave the body a break from "movement for the sake of movement" in hopes that I'll be energetic again for the weekend.

Was seriously beat down and depleted and She-Hulk cranky after ditch-cleaning. Ate salty, and hit the water hard. Helped me return to normal level of crankiness.

Brain: Very "meh" early on. Perhaps I spent too much time staring at my daily belly pictures this morning. And I'm in too-small jeans today (because that's one of my weekly pictures), thus have a big ol' muffin top going on, and I really don't see any damn difference from week 1. So frustrating. I need something else to focus on while the fat s-l-o-w-l-y comes off. That's where the pullups are supposed to come in, but during maintenance week, they are just not going so well.

Yesterday I figured out the cost on our tentative June road trip, and we can't afford it. Correction: we could afford it, but we can't justify it. Plus it just sounds like way too much driving. Maybe we can just road-trip around Minnesota instead. We have our own breweries and mountains, right?

And I am disappointed because the camper I'd been counting on for girls' weekend up by Duluth is not available. And no one thought to let me know until I tried to confirm things. I guess it's my own fault for expecting people to mean what they say, like a chump.

Here's how low I was this morning: I saw leftover desserts from yesterday's fundraiser, and I nearly cried. I just wanted to be able to eat a fucking treat like normal people! Of course, I am still logical: I am super grateful that I can avoid using willpower all the damn time. But fucking a, sometimes I want to indulge, yo.

So I nabbed a couple recipes from paleomg despite being quite worried about making something that I will overeat. Made Coconut Chocolate Chip Cookies into Coconut Dried Cranberry Slivered Almond Cookies...which were almost perfect-o macaroons without my additions. Raw dough was WAY better than the cookies but they are still pretty irresistible to this deprived brain. I could have eaten them all. I ate three, packed up the rest, and then promptly posted this so that I am DONE EATING.

In this culture, we are too busy to take the time to tell ourselves the positive messages we need to hear. Isn't it funny how we always seem to find the time to tell ourselves how lonely, ugly, or fat we are? How much we hate ourselves, our jobs, and our mates? Yes, we always seem to have time for the negative. But when it comes to taking five minutes a day to stare in a mirror and repeat a positive message of love and understanding to the universe, well...sorry, Charlie - only good-tasting tuna get to treat themselves well.
-Ben Stiller

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