Sunday, April 29

715a-2 fr eggs, 2.5 sl maple bacon, 2 sl toast, micro cake, sm apple, c reg, c reg w/ light coconut milk & cinnamon, supps
1230p-3.5 sl French toast w/ cinnamon & fig butter, 2 sl maple bacon, 1 chicken sausage, sm apple, 2c decaf w/ coconut milk, supps
4p-2c roasted cauliflower, oz almonds
6p-giant T-bone w/ shrooms & onions & peppers & merlot sauce, asparagus w/ grapeseed oil & garlic, rhubarb compote w/ coconut milk, supps

Three nice big, filling meals. Had a massive blood sugar drop at 4pm. Was working outside & was hit with that ol' hot, shaky, nauseous fun feeling. Have not had that in a long while, and am not sure what caused it. Too many carbs at lunch, perhaps.

Sleep: 10 hours in bed. TEN! Solid sleep for 9 of them (though woke h/s/g at some point, didn't get up*), then off/on for the last hour while trying to ignore active bratty felines.

*I have no reason to drink again, ever. All it does is add calories and fuck up my sleep. What's the point?

Napped 11-1 also. Just damn tired.

Body: Upper body, hams still a bit tight/sore. Still hacking like a smoker but it's improving. Intended to lift today. Was incredibly low in energy and had no desire to do so. Did chores instead, including a short bout outside planting flowers. Felt better toward the eve.

Misc: I was in a pretty bad place last night. Very depressed. I felt fat, and ugly, and deprived, and weak, and like a massive failure. I still feel some of that, but a solid night of sleep has made a big difference. Must remember that the fat, ugly, & weak are only temporary. Deprived will improve, though I may never get to eat ice cream cake again, and I have to learn to let it go. Failure feeling is just my foolish perfectionist tendencies kicking in again.

Today I read Chris Kresser's 9 Steps To Perfect Health series, focusing on the Manage Your Stress post. I made some changes based on that: I unsubscribed from a few podcasts that are nutrition-based. I know what I need to eat, I don't need to keep obsessing over it. I also hid almost all Facebook updates from companies in my News Feed. These are good reads, typically, but they always post during work hours, and I get all sidetracked when I should be working. Yes, I could and should just stay off FB altogether, but taking a short mental break from work is usually productive when I get back to it. I've been performing rather poorly at work lately. I have a shit ton of projects to get moving on, need to stop with the endless procrastinating. And this is not something I can accomplish immediately, but I desperately need a house in the country. I require silence to fully recharge. Spending a Saturday afternoon sitting outside in the shade with a book is something that can make even a week from hell seem tolerable. But I can not get that with barking dogs and gunning motorcycles in the background. Silence is golden to this brain.

I have been thinking about my ease with fasting this week. I did not go overboard, but the urge was there. If I could fast for 3 out of 7 days, that's about 1.5 pounds of calories! Yeah, and about 1.5 days of feeling like death, too. I realize it's my "all or nothing" thinking - I want to buckle down and make all my progress NOW NOW NOW so I can stop obsessing over all of this.

I know that when I simply eat what I need to eat, seeing food as fuel only, I feel so much better mentally, and fat loss becomes easy. Focusing on food as a source of pleasure generally leads to dark alleys for me, because there are now so many foods I can't eat, and if I can't have that pleasure, the opposite seems to be depression. I can't get depressed every time I eat at someone else's house! And mostly, I just want to stop the food obsession. It's exhausting.

I kind of want to slap the people who say we should think that food is meant to be enjoyed. Partly true, in the sense of, don't eat things you hate, eat things that taste good. But thinking of food as a source of comfort or happiness is dangerous. Because if birthday cake makes you happy, well, it can only make me sad, right? So I say "fuck you" to that whole mentality. Food is fuel. People are a source of pleasure. Activities are a source of pleasure. Food is just the fuel to do the things you want to do.

Bacon is delicious, but eating it can not make me happy. The rest of my life needs to make me happy.

In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins - not through strength, but through perseverance. 
-H Jackson Brown

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