Monday, April 30

5a-cup Natural Calm
6a-2c reg w/ T coconut milk
630a-taught class
745a-2c reg
9a-2c decaf w/ stevia
12p-can diet Pepsi
2p-2c decaf w/ stevia
245p-2 turkey dogs, med apple, packet Sunbutter
630p-salad (carrots, celery, cauliflower, cabbage, peppers) w/ balsamic, fish curry stew, bag pork rinds, 2c decaf tea w/ 2T coconut milk, supps
Throughout day: 3 quarts water, 2 cough drops

Fasting for first half the day, as planned. Bit hungry at 7a & 1145a, but otherwise I felt good.

Sleep: In bed 8 hours. Wide awake, h/s/g at 3am,* and struggled to fall back after that. Alarm woke me. Despite all of that, energy level is good.

*I have no reason to overeat again, ever. All it does is add calories and fuck up my sleep. What's the point?

Body: Creaky & stiff first thing, but good once I got moving. Right knee feeling off though slightly different pain. Still coughing but I feel better than I sound. Pulls were a bit harder today than Friday, as were swings, but I progressed heavier on those this time. And also did it all fasted.

Misc: Left work early since it's close week and I will have long days at the end of the week. Trying to be more cognizant of work hours.

Tweaked my plan a bit to accommodate pullups workout:
Monday: skip first two meals -- teach class in am, noon pulls & swings, easy bike ride or swim
Tuesday: higher carbs, skip supper -- lift w/ Dustin, bike or swim
Wednesday: skip first two meals -- teach class, noon pulls & swings, yoga
Thursday: higher carbs, skip supper -- lift w/ Dustin, bike or swim
Friday: skip supper-- noon noon pulls & swings, bike
Saturday: skip supper -- teach Warrior class, longer bike ride
Sunday: higher carbs, three larger meals -- lift in basement
But flexible. For example, tonight I considered eve bike ride after work since it was freaking gorgeous, but instead I took the kits outside and just did nothing in the sunshine. It was lovely, and I dare say it did more for body & brain than a short bike ride would have done. Anyway, I can't decide if I'm just making excuses here, but it seems smart to not quite go balls-out yet, right after the vacation & during cold recovery.

And also:


No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.

Read This: Jill Coleman

Is The Story You Tell Yourself Holding You Back?

...most people continue to use their most 2 most powerful tools (their brain & voice) to affirm a negative, difficult, victim-minded reality. Simply saying the words “eating healthy is hard” silently affirms to yourself that eating healthy is, indeed, hard.  

The whole post is here: :

A quick read, well worth 5 minutes of your time.

Sunday, April 29

715a-2 fr eggs, 2.5 sl maple bacon, 2 sl toast, micro cake, sm apple, c reg, c reg w/ light coconut milk & cinnamon, supps
1230p-3.5 sl French toast w/ cinnamon & fig butter, 2 sl maple bacon, 1 chicken sausage, sm apple, 2c decaf w/ coconut milk, supps
4p-2c roasted cauliflower, oz almonds
6p-giant T-bone w/ shrooms & onions & peppers & merlot sauce, asparagus w/ grapeseed oil & garlic, rhubarb compote w/ coconut milk, supps

Three nice big, filling meals. Had a massive blood sugar drop at 4pm. Was working outside & was hit with that ol' hot, shaky, nauseous fun feeling. Have not had that in a long while, and am not sure what caused it. Too many carbs at lunch, perhaps.

Sleep: 10 hours in bed. TEN! Solid sleep for 9 of them (though woke h/s/g at some point, didn't get up*), then off/on for the last hour while trying to ignore active bratty felines.

*I have no reason to drink again, ever. All it does is add calories and fuck up my sleep. What's the point?

Napped 11-1 also. Just damn tired.

Body: Upper body, hams still a bit tight/sore. Still hacking like a smoker but it's improving. Intended to lift today. Was incredibly low in energy and had no desire to do so. Did chores instead, including a short bout outside planting flowers. Felt better toward the eve.

Misc: I was in a pretty bad place last night. Very depressed. I felt fat, and ugly, and deprived, and weak, and like a massive failure. I still feel some of that, but a solid night of sleep has made a big difference. Must remember that the fat, ugly, & weak are only temporary. Deprived will improve, though I may never get to eat ice cream cake again, and I have to learn to let it go. Failure feeling is just my foolish perfectionist tendencies kicking in again.

Today I read Chris Kresser's 9 Steps To Perfect Health series, focusing on the Manage Your Stress post. I made some changes based on that: I unsubscribed from a few podcasts that are nutrition-based. I know what I need to eat, I don't need to keep obsessing over it. I also hid almost all Facebook updates from companies in my News Feed. These are good reads, typically, but they always post during work hours, and I get all sidetracked when I should be working. Yes, I could and should just stay off FB altogether, but taking a short mental break from work is usually productive when I get back to it. I've been performing rather poorly at work lately. I have a shit ton of projects to get moving on, need to stop with the endless procrastinating. And this is not something I can accomplish immediately, but I desperately need a house in the country. I require silence to fully recharge. Spending a Saturday afternoon sitting outside in the shade with a book is something that can make even a week from hell seem tolerable. But I can not get that with barking dogs and gunning motorcycles in the background. Silence is golden to this brain.

I have been thinking about my ease with fasting this week. I did not go overboard, but the urge was there. If I could fast for 3 out of 7 days, that's about 1.5 pounds of calories! Yeah, and about 1.5 days of feeling like death, too. I realize it's my "all or nothing" thinking - I want to buckle down and make all my progress NOW NOW NOW so I can stop obsessing over all of this.

I know that when I simply eat what I need to eat, seeing food as fuel only, I feel so much better mentally, and fat loss becomes easy. Focusing on food as a source of pleasure generally leads to dark alleys for me, because there are now so many foods I can't eat, and if I can't have that pleasure, the opposite seems to be depression. I can't get depressed every time I eat at someone else's house! And mostly, I just want to stop the food obsession. It's exhausting.

I kind of want to slap the people who say we should think that food is meant to be enjoyed. Partly true, in the sense of, don't eat things you hate, eat things that taste good. But thinking of food as a source of comfort or happiness is dangerous. Because if birthday cake makes you happy, well, it can only make me sad, right? So I say "fuck you" to that whole mentality. Food is fuel. People are a source of pleasure. Activities are a source of pleasure. Food is just the fuel to do the things you want to do.

Bacon is delicious, but eating it can not make me happy. The rest of my life needs to make me happy.

In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins - not through strength, but through perseverance. 
-H Jackson Brown

Saturday, April 28

615a-fr egg. s chicken sausage, sm apple, 2c reg, T light coconut milk, supps
10a-2c decaf
1030a-2 fr eggs, slice ham, lotta hash browns, 4c reg
3p-fr egg, 2 sl maple bacon, orange, microwave brownie, can diet Pepsi, 2c decaf w T light coconut milk, supps
6p-6 pickles, two handfuls potato chips, 2 bites cheddar brat, 2 hard lemonades
8p-pork rinds dipped in T tomato dressing
Throughout day: 2 quarts water, 5 cough drops

Supper was at my niece's birthday party. Almost no food options, and I had no idea they were cheddar brats until two bites in. Then I just wanted to cry. Especially when they brought out the ice cream cake. I know everyone has their own battles to fight, but food allergies are so depressing because I have to deal with them many times per day. Sucky.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed. Tried to sleep in, couldn't. Kinda tired, feeling a bit depleted; had planned to skip breakfast and have 2-3 pretty big meals instead, but I just had to eat. Also was sure to get on the water early in case that's all it was.

Body: Upper body is pretty sore. Hammering 40 chins after so much time off will do that, I guess! Hams a bit tight later on in day.

Digestive system finally working again; I didn't even realize things were going poorly until yesterday, thus no overshare with y'all. You're welcome.

Yesterday my right ear popped for the first time since the awful flights on Saturday. Today it popped like 8 times. This is like receiving cold hard cash, it feels so much better!

Misc: Took my 13-year-old godchild out for belated birthday brunch. It made me feel SO. OLD. And jealous of how mature she is already.


Every exit is an entry someplace else.
-Tom Stoppard

Friday, April 27

545a-2fr eggs, s chicken sausage, c reg, supps
645a-c reg w 2T light coconut milk & stevia
7a-Americano w SF syrup
1030a-chinup/swing/handstand session
1130a-3 oz pork roast, c kraut, supps
6p-2 turkey dogs, 2c carrots, 1.5 oz cocoa almonds w s coconut flakes (delicious!), supps
8p-c senna tea
Throughout day: 4 cough drops, 2 quarts water

Three meals by just keeping super busy all afternoon. And ate on the way home to avoid snackiness all eve.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, solid, woke naturally. Feel good!

Rehab: same.

Misc: I did some clothes shopping when I returned my modeling outfits to Maurice's. I haven't been too keen on buying clothes for the past, what, year? But I got 3 dresses and 2 tops that will still fit as I shrink down. That was nice for the brain. Also, everything was 25% off. You know I loved that!

Hop came home! First time since Sunday noon...I am extra thankful for the rain! (Sorry, Dustin.)


Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with, and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice, and the choice can be power.
-Blaine Lee

Thursday, April 26

645a-2 fr eggs, s chicken sausage, 2 sl GF toast, sm apple, c reg, supps
745a-c reg w/ stevia
845a-2c decaf w/ 2T coconut creamer
10a-3oz pork roast, .5c kraut, c veg broth soup*, 2c reg
12p-personal training
4p-3oz pork roast, .5c kraut, 2 turkey dogs, oz cocoa almonds, can diet cherry coke, supps
Throughout day: 2 cough drops, 2 quarts water.

*Overnight in the slow cooker juices & bones from the pork roast: carrots, eggplant, turnips, peppers.

No supper: modeled at LAPW style show, declined my free meal (whatever it was, I'm sure I couldn't eat it) and just fasted instead.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed. Got to bed just before 10, and slept all the way to 630. Choppy sleep, despite a NyQuil - Oscar was being a whiny stupid head. Quite tired.

Cold: Right ear is half plugged again. So annoying. Still have drainage, coughing when I laugh.

Rehab: Feels okay again. Was thinking last night about my first long runs in ramping up for Boston, how I could hardly stand to lay on my side in bed, my shins hurt so much. What might have changed if I had gone in way back in January? Anything? Nothing? And how the fuck is a person supposed to know what's a big enough deal to go in for, and what's minor and should be waited out? I want a full-time staff of coaches and nutritionists and doctors to manage my life for me. Is that really so much to ask?

Stood for first hour in morning, then sat most of rest of day. Bar stool set-up is awkward so I'm still putting some weight on feet. Thought about dismantling to sit normally, but meh. Too much effort. Was in heels for about an hour at fashion show.

Quads & hams sore from Tuesday training.

Misc: Feeling ugly thanks to vacation-eating cyst that makeup can't fully hide. Not in a good mental place all morning.

Training was good, but then I ended up feeling junky afterward. Both ears felt full, though sinuses felt emptied...combination of cold + prowler? Started coming around a bit later in the afternoon, surprisingly. Waited to eat until I was legitimately hungry, but threw in some caffeine to be sure I'd make it all night.

I just want to feel normal again. Tired of being tired. Don't tell Heather, but I frankly hope the races are canceled this weekend. It sounds too exhausting.


Infinite riches are all around you if you will open your mental eyes and behold the treasure house within you. There is a gold mine within you from which you can extract everything you need to live life gloriously, joyously, and abundantly.
-Joseph Murphy

Wednesday, April 25

5a-c reg
6a-c reg, splash light coconut milk, stevia
8a-2c reg
1145a(LAPW meeting)-salad (iceberg, few grape tomatoes, few cuke slices) w/ Italian dressing, c cooked baby carrots, 2c reg
430p-oz cocoa almonds, s coconut flakes
730p-3oz pork roast, .5c kraut, T mustard, 2 raw carrots, microwave mini cake, supps
Throughout day: 7 SF cough drops, 2.5 quarts water.

Was planning to fast until supper, but forgot about lunch meeting. I actually felt pretty gross after that. Ate before yoga to give me a little boost, then intended to go back to fasting, but did not, obvs.

Going to start tracking water intake because I keep refilling my decaf rather than my water bottle. Need to break that habit!

Pulls: 6 sets of 2 at home, 4 sets of 2 during class

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed. Took a while to fall asleep, up for b/r at 1, woke at 3 but fell back easily. Feel okay. Got tired mid-afternoon.

Rehab: Step forward again. Sore quads today. Toe tendons feel sore and lower back didn't appreciate the swings too much, but it was muscle, not disc.

Sat extra today during meetings, and sat on bar stool for a while; only standing for 1 hour in morning, plus workouts.

Misc: I have a plan:

Monday: fast -- teach class in am, noon cardio, easy bike ride in eve
Tuesday: eat normal -- lift w/ Dustin
Wednesday: fast -- teach class, cardio, yoga
Thursday: eat normal -- lift w/ Dustin
Friday: skip supper-- noon pullups mania, easy bike ride
Saturday: skip supper -- teach Warrior class, longer bike ride
Sunday: eat normal -- lift in basement
  • I am certain I won't fast that much. But those would be the times I'd aim to fit them in, eating normally when I don't feel I can or should fast. 
    • If I do all those fasts, the caloric average for the week is about 1129. (Unlikely I wouldn't feel like ass there.)
    • If I did half those fasts, the average would be 1414.
    • If I keep up what I'm doing this week (more like 1/3 of the fasts) the average would be 1529.
  • Three keys to make nutrition work:
    • No baked treats of any kind.
    • No nut butters in my house. Sunbutter packets at work are okay.
    • No nuts besides almonds.
  • Teaching class is just that...teaching. I'll basically do mobility.
  • Noon cardio = biking outside, KB conditioning work, rotating through Well machines, whatever, depending on how I feel, whether I ate or fasted, sleep quality/quantity, etc.
  • Easy bike ride = tooling about with the hubster, or skip it if I'm not feeling the energy - the whole point is sunshine & fresh air, not burning calories.
  • Pullups mania - okay, so this one might not be smart? I can't really tell if it will be super hard or it's reasonable even at the start or if the whole idea is downright stupid, I just know it sounds fun. Here is the full plan - each set is done at the top of the minute, then rest until the next minute:
    • Week 1 = 20 sets x 2 reps @ 20 minutes
    • Week 2 = 13 sets x 3 reps @ 13 minutes
    • Week 3 = 10 sets x 4 reps @ 10 minutes
    • Week 4 = 8 sets x 5 reps @ 8 minutes
    • Week 5 = 7 sets x 6 reps @ 7 minutes
    • Week 6 = 6 sets x 7 reps @ 6 minutes
    • Week 7 = 5 sets x 8 reps @ 5 minutes
    • Week 8 = 4 sets x 10 reps @ 4 minutes 
Measurements: I'm taking a belly picture each morning. I'm going to take a "thermometer jeans" picture weekly. I don't want numbers. I want numbers, but I need to avoid them. Too much obsessing. Thinking I can focus on performance in something like pullups, since bodyweight will definitely influence that? Open to suggestions on what's smart there.

Do this for 3 weeks, take a 1-week break to eat normally. Repeat.

Feedback welcome.

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind, the second is to be kind, and the third is to be kind.
-Henry James

Tuesday, April 24

615a-fr egg, s chicken sausage, T fig butter, .5T tahini, 4 sl GF toast, c reg, supps
730a-c reg w/ splash light coconut milk
8a-2c reg
10a-Larabar, oz cocoa almonds, supps
12p-personal training
130p-salad w/ balsamic, 2 turkey dogs, sm banana, 2c decaf w/ stevia, supps
6p-Doolittle's Cobb salad w/ balsamic vinaigrette, 3c decaf
8p-oz pork roast, supps

Sleep: 8 hours in bed. Took forever to fall asleep, but I managed to sleep in late, all the way to 6!

Cold: Feeling better, though still a full head. Coughing a lot, too, which hurts the throat. As did heavy breathing during training. Oof.

Rehab: Feels like a small step backward. What?


Life is hard and it gets harder, but you are strong and you can get stronger.
-Kamari aka Lyrikal

Monday, April 23

5a-c reg, supps
6a-c reg w/ splash light coconut milk
8a-2c reg
130p-2c sugar plum spice tea
7p-fr egg, s chick saus, 2 sl toast, microwave cake, 2c decaf

Fasting. Day 1 of no-more-excuses plan! Not even using the cold as an excuse. HARDCORE DIET TIME IS HERE. Suck it up, Buttercup!

Except I was going to go all day. Buttercup did not suck it up.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed. 1 Nyquil. Solid, though up at 3a for b/r. Woken by alarm, too. Ugh. Went home early and napped from 4-6. Probably a bad idea for falling asleep tonight, but I was damn near falling asleep while driving home.

Cold: Head is packed full, right ear is plugged again. I pretty well feel like shit. Picked up some DayQuil & cough drops mid-day, and that deflated the stuffed head a little bit.

Pulls: I did one, was going to just do a whole big bunch of singles, and then I forgot. Seriously thick brain fog this morning. No travel advised.

Rehab: Feels fine. During class, did some calf raises, squats w/ bar, third-world squat (just holding static at squat bottom), downward dogs. Could feel hip flexors fatiguing in squats (wtf?) and dogs were just an effort to get my right ear to pop. Failed. Felt quite crappy.

Test scheduled today for compartment syndrome: no test took place. They did x-rays of both lower legs, and it turns out my BONES are the trouble. They show “stress reactions” in both fibulas (the smaller of the two bones) which means that there are outer layers built up a bit in certain places that, in theory, were in danger of becoming actual stress fractures. (Left more than right, oddly.) So the pain is my body’s way of saying, “Knock it off, stop running, you’re about to break something.” Smart body, eh?

What causes it? Too much intensity (wtf, my running intensity is pretty damn low compared to a lot of runners), poor diet (dairy avoidance may mean I don’t get enough calcium), physical inactivity (bitch, please), genetics (thanks, mom), poor bone formation during the teen years (check done) – many possible factors.

Doctor saw no reason to do any further testing because he didn’t think they’d offer much more information. His prescription is to do things that don’t hurt until I can run again. Then when I can run again without pain, ease in slowly. Which is exactly what I figured I’d have to do. So, I tried running a few steps on the treadmill today, no go. Elliptical worked, but OMG shoot me boring. I’m going to get my bike to TS so I can tool about on that until I am back on my feet.

Also, thinking of going Whole30 again for a spell to cut all junk outta my diet and reintroduce boatload of calcium-containing greens. Maybe take me a week or two of low-cal eating first to adjust the brain. Or perhaps I'll make the high-cal days Whole30. Still debating.

Also, they weighed me at the doctor's office: 145 point something. CRINGE.

Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.
-Foster C McClellan

Read This: Jill Coleman

8 Ways to Avoid the "Comparison Trap" women, we can get caught up in the “comparison trap” looking at other women’s photos, comparing our physique to theirs (and by extension many times, our self-worth to theirs). We do this unknowingly all the time, and then all of a sudden are in panic mode because we aren’t as lean/tight/muscular/ripped/pretty, etc as someone else. Huh?
On. The. Freaking. Nose.

Sunday, April 22

9a-fr egg & 2.5sl bacon w/ honey mustard on 2 sl GF toast, 2c reg, supps
10a-trail mix, bbq pork jerky, almond crackers
3p-salad, Larabar
6p (tax firm party)-2 lobster tails, 2 small filet mignon w/ splash A1, small baked potato, fresh fruit (strawberries, mango, grapes)

Um, someone decided to finish off all the vacation food so that it was gone for the new week. Always a genius move.

Sleep: 9 hours in bed. Slept fairly well, up at 6 for bathroom but fell back for more. Got up with a nice, full stuffed head, though right ear is back to "normal" in a cold sense.

Took a short nap, 1-3.

Rehab: No issues.

Acne: Ton of small wh blemishes, but no cysts. Perhaps the difference between large quantities of dairy/grains and the small insidious amounts in sauces, etc.

Misc: Returning from vacation sucks. So much to do!

Saturday, April 21

630a-2 fr eggs, GF pizza crust as toast, 2 sl pepperoni, 3 donut holes, sweets and beets chips3c reg, supps
9a-Americano w SF syrup
1030a-trail mix, bottle diet coke
12p-salad w/ chicken breast & no dressing, bunch of macaroons, bottle diet coke, crystal light
6p-pork chop, asparagus, c applesauce, 2 hard ciders

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed but slept HORRIBLY. Couldn't fall asleep, woke a million times. Cold causing sinus drainage and a restless flopping husband and stupid bright city lights and needing to be up early for our cab.

Rehab: knee is back to feeling fine even with all of yesterday's walking. Cool!

Long god damn day. Started out great after finding a quiet area with footrests in Boston airport. But on the descent into Milwaukee, my right ear wouldn't pop. It hurt so fucking badly that I was crying, no joke. 3 hours in Milwaukee were miserable. Ear improved a bit but still hurt.

On ascent of leg 2, I plugged ear with finger and it still hurt so I pulled it out and THEN it felt like I was being stabbed with blunt spoons. I could hear the noise of shifting pressures and I was half certain my eardrum was going to blow right the fuck up. I'd rather have a broken thumb again! I'm quite impressed that the f-bombs I was screaming in my head were not unleashed.

Needless to say: I was a rotten traveling partner. I avoided whining but I was silent and sullen fo' sho'.

Carolla show worth staying up so late but GD I was ready to be home. Luckily the hubster spoils me like crazy and happily drove.

Friday, April 20

630a-breakfast pizza, few macaroons, 3c reg
930a-1.5c reg
1230p-lobster, steamed veg
230p-raspberry sorbet
4p-bottle diet Pepsi
6p-full rack of ribs, sweet potato fries, 2 diet pepsin
8p-pint Arctic Zero, few swipes of trail mix

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed. Took ages to fall asleep but it was solid. Woke naturally and felt all right.

Rehab: can feel it in the knee just a bit. Not much. Plenty of walking again in Salem but did not feel any different at end of day.

Thursday, April 19

7a-2 fr eggs, 2sl bacon, packet Sunbutter, handful cocoa almonds, 3c reg, supps
1030p-bottle diet Pepsi
1p-mound of fries, chicken wings, can diet Pepsi
4p-bunch of coconut macaroons, bunch of trail mix
730p-2 mini pizzas, bunch of chips, bunch of macaroons, bit of trail mix, 2 hard ciders, crystal light, supps

Sleep: 8 hours in bed but could have used a couple more. Covered window with blanket but still wide awake at 645. Tired.

Napped 5-7.

Rehab: feels okay. Did a lot more walking today, sent the parents off on their own so perhaps I would stop wanting to shake my mother for her pained feet, knees, and hip.

Acne: thank you Joy for the Bye Bye Blemish which is helping quite a bit.

Ate a metric ton today...finally felt like "vacation eating"! Hop & I tracked down a Whole Foods today and GD, I would LOVE one of these near home. So freaking many options for me, I spent $55 and easily could have doubled that. Bought pizza fixings and some snacks like Arctic Zero, cookies, and chips that are called Beets and Sweets-Joy knows what these are!!

Wednesday, April 18

730a-2 fr eggs, 2sl bacon, 3 donut holes, handful cocoa almonds, 3c reg, crystal light, supps
2p-herbed chicken, roasted veg, steamed broccoli, 2 diet pepsi
7p-bunch of salted almonds, Larabar, extra large decaf

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed. Up at 3 for bathroom, then wide awake for a good chunk. Bleach. Got very tired and cranky at end of ball game and long ride home.

Rehab: again no worse!

Acne: reacting, cyst developed yesterday, new cyst today. Right on time, after 3 days of restaurant food. Looks terrible and makes me want to cry and stop eating. Sad.

Tuesday, April 17

6a-fr egg, 2 sl bacon, 4c reg, 3 donut holes, supps
1230p-8 BBQ chicken wings, diet coke
2p-can diet pepsi
4p-lemon sorbet (dairy free almost ice cream!!)
6p-2 gf biscuits, haddock, broccoli, green beans, diet coke
830p-cocoa almonds, crystal light, supps

Sleep: 8 hours in bed. Wide awake h/s/g at 4am then off/on until giving up at 630. That was super freaking awesome. I blame the two whole drinks I had at supper along with the sweet potatoes...body just can't tolerate so many carbs at once!

Rehab: Knee is all good! Left thigh weirdly sore just a bit. Left foot sore if I press on it, same tendon that gave me troubles way back when. Been in my Merrells each day.

Not as much walking today as prior two, mom was tired. We were ready to ditch her but held back.

I don't want to get old and decrepit and slow.

Reason #86,884 to train with NSS.

Monday, April 16

6a-Larabar, 3c reg, supps
7a-2 fried eggs, 3sl bacon, 2 donut holes
11a-Larabar, packet Sunbutter
2p-BBQ chicken salad w vinaigrette, diet coke
430p-diet coke
7p-BBQ ribs, chicken, hot spiced almonds and pecans, sweet potato fries, 2 hard ciders

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, again super solid. Feel great!

Rehab: no worse off after yesterday's walking. EXCELLENT.

Did plenty more walking today in addition to lots of standing to watch the marathon. Got plenty worn out and tired with all that hot sun. Tried not to complain within earshot of any marathoners!

Sunday, April 15

6a-2c reg w my papa, supps
830a-pastrami hash, 2 soft boiled eggs, c fruit, part of mom's bacon and sausage omelet (which she traded from me because hash was too spicy...I was thrilled!), 4c reg
1p-salad, salmon, scallops, whitefish, few sweet potato fries, diet coke
6p-buffalo wings, carrots, celery, Larabar, hard cider
830p-almonds, crystal light, supps

Sleep: 8 very solid hours. Like a rock, finally.

Rehab: Quite a bit of walking, felt fine at the time...tomorrow I'll know how the rest of the week will fare.

Saturday, April 14

6a-2 can diet Pepsi, honey roasted cashews
7a-2 fr eggs, 2 sl bacon, 2 sl turkey bacon, 2 sausage links, 3c reg - you can build your own Grand Slam at Denny's so I could go all out on protein...perfect!
930a-bottle diet Coke
12p-Larabar, bag apple chips, bag bacon jerky, c diet Coke
4p-bag apple chips, oz almonds
845p-shit ton bbq chicken wings, 2 GF choco donut holes, Crystal Light

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, pure crap. Hot sweaty gross at 1, woke hourly until getting up at 530, half hour before necessary. GROSS. Overdosed on caffeine to get through the day.

Rehab: Slight step backward. I think no activity is almost as bad as too much.

Travel: 11am flight, lotsa sitting around. And of course, why wouldn't you go through Atlanta to get from MN to Boston? Travel days suck.

And sitting around a ton of runners chatting and people who were just SO CLEARLY runners made me very sad. I literally was near tears several times. Low sleep and dehydration sure didn't help either. Next to me on the flight was a woman who's done "15ish" Ironmans and was drinking pre-, during, and post-flight. And that just felt so unfair, rather "woe is me" that she can booze it up while I eat so damn well and can't run at all?! Sucky.

But then awesome news came!!

Super COOL BEANS: Thanks to the weather deferment, I am essentially qualified for Boston 2013!!! (I'd link to the story but the iPad app is a bit cumbersome. Sorry. Use your Google skills.)

Now I just have to fix this injury, get running again, and start saving for another trip to Boston!

Oh, is that all?

Friday, April 13

5a-2 fr eggs, 2.5sl maple bacon, small bowl slivered almonds, cranberries, flax milk, turkey jerky, c reg, supps
645a-1.5oz almonds, c reg w/ 2T coconut milk, can diet Pepsi
9a-bag apple chips, 3oz ham, can diet Pepsi
1p-bunch of trail mix, 4 ribs, can diet Pepsi, supps
5p-bunch of honey roasted cashews, 2c decaf
7p-steak & 2 fried eggs, 3c decaf

Wee bit of stress eating in the morning when I learned I needed to find a new ride home post-Carolla. Or else pay an extra $60. Then at high noon I switched right into vacation eating. Brilliant.

Pulls: 2, 6 - then forgot.

Sleep: 7 hours in bed. Not great. But vacation starts pronto, so I can suck it up for one day.

Rehab: Same.

Misc: Vacation began at noon sharp!

The purpose of our lives is to give birth to the best which is within us.
-Marianne Williamson

Thursday, April 12

6a-turkey egg, 2 sl maple bacon, GF dinner roll, orange, c reg, supps
7a-c reg w/ 2T coconut milk
8a-Americano w/ SF syrup
10a-oz almonds, Larabar, supps
12p-personal training
2p-3c raw veg
3p-2oz almonds, 20oz diet cherry Dr Pepper, supps
630p-chicken breast, 2oz roasted salted cashews, supps

Sleep: 8 hours in bed. Decent, woke a couple times, but woke without alarm at 530.

Rehab: About the same. Crossing my fingers for next week.

Misc: Last half day at TSI before vacation. Last shift at NSS before vacation. Second-to-last day at DBB before vacation. But, you know, who's counting?

Happiness: Final journalization on this particular post. (Could be a recurring theme...stay tuned!)
Take care of your body. – Taking care of your body is crucial to being the happiest person you can be. If you don’t have your physical energy in good shape, then your mental energy (your focus), your emotional energy (your feelings), and your spiritual energy (your purpose) will all be negatively affected. Did you know that studies conducted on people who were clinically depressed showed that consistent exercise raises happiness levels just as much as Zoloft? Not only that, but here’s the double whammy… Six months later, the people who participated in exercise were less likely to relapse because they had a higher sense of self-accomplishment and self-worth.

All right, here's one I'm pretty damned good at! Although, I have had a hard time learning that my inclination to live in the extremes is not beneficial here. I went from doing nothing (clearly bad) to doing Everything I Can, with two-a-days being the normal plan. Sometimes this can be done...most of the time it can not. With Dustin, I have beaten myself into the ground many times - without him, I would probably still be doing it, and at some point I'd probably stop getting back up. I've learned that rest is also required in taking care of my body, because it's in the repair time that I get stronger. Aiming to get 8-9 hours of sleep is sign of my intelligence, not a weakness. Quality of food is incredibly important, more so than caloric levels; but caloric intake does matter. If I want to be stronger and faster than the average Jane, I will have to spend more time thinking about nutrition than the average Jane.

The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.
-Stephen Covey

Wednesday, April 11

5a-c reg, supps
6a-c reg w/ 2T coconut milk
630a-taught class, did pulls during: 6, 6, 6, 5, 6, 5
8a-2c reg
9a-Americano w/ SF syrup
1030a-2c decaf, supps
115p-2oz almonds, 2T Sunbutter, can diet cherry Coke, supps
7p-bag snow peas, 6oz ham w/ T honey mustard, 2 chicken wings, c roasted cauliflower & garlic, fig butter & coconut butter on GF dinner roll, 2c decaf w/ 2T coconut milk, supps

Fasting again, half day. I can do this so easily. I don't know why. And it may not last. But while I can, I shall!

Sleep: 7 hours in bed. Went to bed late, trying to figure out software to get Hop's DVDs onto iPad. Wide awake at 3 for no reason. Alarm woke me at 5, wanted to cry. Tired. Had a good day, though, so brain stayed up.

Rehab: Feels about the same as yesterday. Quads are whining from glute/ham raises. Didn't realize Dustin was letting me get away with the pansy version until Mike subjected me to the real thing!

Misc: Finished reading The Happiness Advantage tonight. And realized I shouldn't read anything but fluff while I eat, because I can only articulate one damn thing that I read in the whole book, despite having a half-million "ah ha" moments. I will probably re-read it, this time with a pen & paper in my hand, or maybe a keyboard under my fingers. Tons of great info in there!

Happiness: Dig it.
Practice spirituality. – When we practice spirituality or religion, we recognize that life is bigger than us. We surrender the silly idea that we are the mightiest thing ever. It enables us to connect to the source of all creation and embrace a connectedness with everything that exists. Some of the most accomplished people I know feel that they’re here doing work they’re “called to do.”
I want to believe there's something out there, but I just can't buy it. I was raised Catholic, started having my doubts as an adult (ironically, thanks to a theology class at my Catholic college!), and became more of an agnostic. Now, I'm pretty firmly atheist. But that doesn't mean I don't believe we are all connected to everything. Go ahead and learn a little about biology and chemistry and the intricacies of all life, and you'll soon agree that whole Butterfly Effect concept is not so far-fetched.

But I don't need a religious dogma to give me morals and values. I don't need someone else to tell me how to behave. I value living beings, and I think that's all anyone really needs to be a good person. I value you, so I will be kind to you; I will respect your decisions on how to live your life; I will not harm you physically, mentally, or emotionally; I will help you if you need help.

What the fuck else is there? Go ahead and marry your partner or your dog or your car, it's nothing to me. Go ahead and worship Yahweh or Allah or stop signs, it's nothing to me. Go ahead and do whatever you want to do...but don't you dare harm someone else while you do it. That says you think that you're more important than they are, and that's bullshit. No one is more important than anyone else. Every single one of us is irreplaceable and priceless - but on the other hand, that doesn't mean anyone needs to be coddled. You are responsible for making your own way in the world, and the world is going to beat you down, but that doesn't mean you get to be a victim. Fend for yourself, work hard, make your own life, and become the person you want to be. But there's no reason you can't help others as you go.

I live my life as if karma exists. I don't always believe it, but I know that I can't go wrong if I act as though it is a real, measurable, documented, scientifically-proven fact.
The World is my country, all mankind are my brethren, and to do good is my religion.

-Thomas Paine

A Personal Request

Boston Marathon

As you probably know, I'm heading to Boston for a much-needed vacation. This vacation was supposed to include running the Boston Marathon. This is the most prestigious marathon in the US; you can't just run it - you have to qualify for it. I qualified for with my 3:38:35 finish in the 2010 Medtronic Twin Cities Marathon, just squeaking in under the 3:40:59 cutoff. I felt like Cinderella!

Then, for the 2012 marathon, they changed registration process to give priority to those with the fastest times, which effectively reduced the qualifying cutoffs, but to unknown times - it depended on the times of everyone who registered. So I then spent about 12 months stressing over whether or not I'd actually get in; I tried to requalify faster but experienced an injury that led to a DNF, then plain ol' stress that led to a DNS. Despite it all, I got in; the registration cutoff for my age group ended up being 3:38:46 - 11 spare seconds! I felt like Cinderella!

However . . . training did not go too well for Boston, with stress and an old injury kicking in. I was struggling mightily on every long run, and facing the likelihood of needing to do a walk/run combination in order to complete the race. But I was still sure I could do it up until I did 20 miles on March 11th - and then that injury completely shut me down. I was crushed. And yep, I still felt like Cinderella. The sad version.

Here's the scoop: I've been tentatively been diagnosed as chronic exertional compartment syndrome, to be tested on 4/23, and I'm still in the acute phase. I spent 2.5 weeks hurting with every step I took, which has finally improved to no pain in daily life. But I can't take a long walk, and I certainly can't run - I can't run even a single pain-free step without pain at this point. CECS is something I cannot run through under any circumstances, not even for the most prestigious marathon, lest I cause permanent damage.

So I just barely qualified in my first marathon, I stressed for 12 months, I ended up squeaking in under the modified registration cutoff, and I still can't run it. Crushed. Like you-know-who.

I'm still going to Boston, no sense canceling the planned vacation w/ hubster & parents just because I can't run 26.2 miles while I'm there, and I will certainly enjoy it! But it was temporarily devastating to lose the dream. I went through the whole damn grieving process, and probably annoyed the crap out of everyone around me in the meantime. I'm determined to heal, to beat this injury, become a better runner because of it, re-qualify for Boston - and then actually run it! It will likely take a couple of years, but damn it, a Cinderella story by definition always has a happy ending!

[I'd throw in a picture of Cindy running away with her prince, but, well, that's taking the metaphor too far past my firmly-drawn feminist boundaries.]

Relay for Life

You may also know that I am heavily involved in the Douglas County Relay for Life. The disease of cancer has not actually had a huge impact on my personally, but I know so many people for whom it has.

You may be one of them.

The Relay is an incredibly moving experience that keeps me motivated to kick cancer's ass. This is my 4th year participating, and this year I am also the co-captain of Tastefully Simple's Relay team. I've set a goal of personally raising $1000.

This year's Relay is on July 13th, and I'm hoping I'll be able to log some miles running around that track, starting at midnight. (Ideally, I'd be doing a mile for every $100 I raise. Realistically, I might still be recovering from CECS, so I can't make any promises right now.)

My injury may have destroyed this year's plans to run Boston, but I'm still healthy and happy and cancer-free. Too many people can not say the same, and for them I will keep moving and keep fundraising.

The point of this post: What you can do

While there isn't anything you can do for my injury, there is something you can do for my brain: donate to a cause I cherish, or celebrate your health. Or both!

If you have spare cash

Donate to the Relay for Life on my behalf. Donate online by clicking here or go here to send a check. My goal is $1000 total. I'm excited to see how much of this can be raised based on one single blog post!

Funds are automatically tracked on the right sidebar > > >

If you have an able body

Log some miles on my behalf on Monday, April 16th, the day of the Boston Marathon, and let me know how many you do. With all the runners I know, I figure several marathons is pretty doable. (I already know one runner who will log 26.2 miles that day in Boston - go, Shannon, go!)

Not a runner? You don't have to run - you can walk. Take your iPod, take your dog, take your kids, go as far as you can and make it fun!

Miles are tracked on the right sidebar > > >

But for this one, I will need you to tell me how many you've done. You can message me via the comments below, on Facebook, on Dailymile, via email, whatever; you obviously know how to get ahold of me, or you wouldn't be reading this!

If you have both spare cash & an able body

Be a rockstar and do both!

If you have neither spare cash nor an able body  

I'm very sorry. I will devote my next marathon to you! Take a moment to send out some positive vibes, or prayers, or whatever you believe works, that my next marathon is not that far away.

Thank you!

No matter what, I want to thank you so very, very much. I've had a lot of support from you, my wonderful friends and family who've held my hand through the grieving process. It's especially humbling when I don't have a "real" injury; I'm not facing anything that affects my daily life - only my hobby. But you folks understand that I love this hobby and it is one of the few things that keep me sane!

I almost didn't post this, didn't want to come off as "needing" you to boost me up. But what the hell, I can admit it: I do need the boosts. I'm simply not strong enough to deal with this setback without the help of my peeps.

And furthermore, I know many of you feel deeply for me in this crappy situation and wish there was something you could do. So I've given you some options: please, take one.

I appreciate each of you so very much.

You are the wind beneath my wings the mice behind my dress!


Tuesday, April 10

615a-turkey egg, 4 sl maple bacon, 2 GF dinner rolls, c reg, supps
715a-c reg w/ .25c almond milk & stevia
8a-2c reg
9a-med apple, oz almonds
945a-personal training
11a-chicken leg & thigh, cabbage braised in maple bacon grease, oz almonds
1230p-can diet cherry Coke
345p-salad (carrots, celery, grape tomatoes, cauliflower), bottle diet cherry Pepsi
7p-pork sausage w/ greens

Best breakfast in ages! Boosted carbs pWO, then dropped them back out afterward. Felt like I ate a TON and was very satisfied all day, yet calories were not even high. Cool!

Sleep: 8.75 hours in bed. Was off/on from 5a-6a, but I got up feeling pretty good. Love waking without an alarm. Next week is gonna be AWESOME.

Rehab: Feeling good! It has calmed down to the point where it's just shin soreness that's pretty equivalent with my left side. Yes, both sides seem to be affected. I'm so lucky.

Stood at tax firm, 4.5 hours.

Habit: I am wearing a super flattering (& half new) outfit today, so it was easy!

Misc: Busy day. Work, training, eye doctor, job #2.

Happiness: See here.
Commit to your goals. – Being wholeheartedly dedicated to doing something comes fully-equipped with an ineffable force.  Magical things start happening when we commit ourselves to doing whatever it takes to get somewhere.  When you’re fully committed to doing something, you have no choice but to do that thing.  Counter-intuitively, having no option – where you can’t change your mind – subconsciously makes humans happier because they know part of their purpose.
I think we all know I'm pretty damned good at this. Perhaps too good...or perhaps I need to get better at selecting my goals, by which I really mean limiting my goals - because I am not Wonder Woman, after all. I just want to be. We perfectionists are really good at goal commitment. We are not so good at goal celebrating and break-taking before moving on to the next goal.

You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically - to say "no" to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger "yes" burning inside.
-Stephen Covey

Monday, April 9

Oops, somehow this one did not get posted...

5a-c reg, c senna tea
6a-c reg w/ 2T coconut milk, supps
630a-taught class, did squat mobility
8a-Americano w/ SF syrup
10a-2c decaf w/ stevia
12p-mobility plus
1p-can Zevia
245p-2c half-caff w/ stevia

Planned a 24-hour fast (last night to tonight) but I threw in some fats to see if that made any kind of difference in how I felt. First time I felt hungry was 2pm and I wasn't as cold as usual in the morning.

An update in the latest low-carb phase: I can already see quite a bit more definition in my legs and arms. Little belly change, but that is always going to be the last for me. Mostly water at this early stage, but it's motivating, and I'll take it. Plus, this intake is easy, and since compliance is like 99% of the battle, I'm going to keep making progress!

Pulls: I had no desire at home. So. Tired. Added them to mobility workout.

Sleep: In bed 7.5 hours. Took a while to fall asleep, then woke hot, sweaty, & gross ~3am. Could NOT fall back asleep. Hit bathroom, didn't help. Debated just getting up, but I had planned to sleep in, alarm set for 5. I did manage to fall back, so then the alarm woke me and I felt like ass. Dog ass tired, but did feel some energy coming on by 8am. Thank you, coffee!

Rehab: A step backward today. That's frustrating. I might as well have gone for a sunshine stroll around the farm yesterday afternoon like I wanted to! Insert frowny emoticon here.

Habit: Digestive system is upset, no surprise after all the eating yesterday. So that makes it tough, but I'm getting better about recognizing that the situation is temporary. However, it does seem like this is a sign that my high days shouldn't be so high. More like, bump up some, and shift more calories to carbs, but don't eat like it's a holiday. Damn.

Misc: Expected an awful insanely busy day, figured Troy's wife would've had their baby over the weekend, leaving me to do a shit ton of work. But hip, hip, hooray, the baby is holding out! Or in? Again, a reason not to worry and work up stress & anxiety over something that might not happen. And I didn't! I prepared myself that this day could really suck, but I didn't obsess. Gold star!

Happiness: Based on this post.
Savor life’s joys. – Deep happiness cannot exist without slowing down to enjoy the joy.  It’s easy in a world of wild stimuli and omnipresent movement to forget to embrace life’s enjoyable experiences.  When we neglect to appreciate, we rob the moment of its magic.  It’s the simple things in life that can be the most rewarding if we remember to fully experience them.
Here's something I'm pretty good at, too. I always notice the little things and fully appreciate them. Yesterday we had brunch at my SIL's parents' and afterward sat outside in the sun, chatting, and playing fetch with the most handsome, well-trained chocolate lab ever (sorry, Barkley). It was, by far, the very best hour of my entire weekend. (Yes, even better than my basement barbell action!) Just sit back, soak up some sunshine, and enjoy time with the family. After a meal that included the best ribs I've had outside Padua or Sunsets. Can not beat that!

What I'm not as good at: savoring the BIG things in life. Like when I look back at 2011 and see failure after failure, forgetting the many awesome things that I accomplished. Dustin has made me fully aware of this weakness, which is a classic perfectionist tendency, and I'm working on it. Funny that I can be so good at one and so bad at the other!

A common tip to make your life more joyful is to write down three good things about each day. I suspect this is recommended becauase such a practice will focus your attention on the many small things that are great in your life. So you become one of those people who notices the small things, who appreciates them, who celebrates them - and who doesn't want to be that person?


A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.
-Earl Wilson

Read This: Kaleo

I’m Calling for a New Paradigm

I grew up looking at underweight and yet impossibly perfect models on the pages of magazines. It did a number on me. Made me feel ashamed of my fleshy thighs, my broad shoulders, my small breasts. Sparked an unhealthy, decades long troubled relationship with food and my body.
A few years ago, when super-fit, uber lean models started to become popular, I celebrated! Progress, I thought! Perhaps my daughters wouldn’t have to grow up surrounded by such destructive images! Strength a desirable quality? Sign me up!
And as I began my journey towards health, I kept those images close. I replaced the skinny ideal with the super-fit, super-lean ideal as my goal. I began to hear the phrase ‘Strong is the New Skinny’ and was thrilled. I’ve kept a picture of Dara Torres at her leanest on my fridge for four years as inspiration. Crossfit gained in popularity and with it images of strong women accomplishing incredible feats of strength and fitness. How wonderful! Take that, skinny models and the magazines that pushed them on my impressionable daughters!
As I got closer to my goal of a lean, fit body though, something started to change. I began to realize how much time I spend thinking about my diet and my workouts. Don’t get me wrong. In our modern food climate, we need to be diligent and mindful about what we eat, and our lifestyles have become so sedentary and easy that we need to make time to get the exercise that was a built-in component of our ancestors lives. But as I got leaner, I needed to become increasingly disciplined about calories and macronutrients. At some point I realized I’d gone beyond simple mindfulness about food, and had ventured into the sort of behavior that some people might consider an eating disorder. Every calorie, every gram of protein, every micronutrient was being tracked. That’s what I needed to do to continue getting leaner. But oh, did I look great!
Do I want my daughters to grow up healthy and strong? Absolutely. Do I want them to feel pressured to be as disciplined about their diets as I am? Absolutely not.

Click on through to read the rest. She details the effort she made to hit figure-model leanness. She provides pictures of how incredible she looks. She also details how awful she felt getting and remaining there.

Well worth the read as a cautionary tale to re-consider your appearance-based goals.

Base your goals on HEALTH.



This is something I need to get on board with. And sooner rather than later. I keep thinking, "Well, first let me drop this fat and then I'll work on being happy with my body at maintenance." So why don't I start working on it NOW? I know that this obsession over how I look is decidedly not healthy.

Yet even as I was reading this post, I thought, "Well, sure, easy for her to decide she's done obsessing now that she looks like a model." But am I even willing to suffer what it would take to look like that? I don't know. I have spent 18 months feeling like shit mentally; I am not inclined to spend more time feeling like shit physically. I am tired of obsessing over every morsel I eat, and I'm beyond tired of disliking my body.

And just look where it's gotten me. Am I happier with my body now than I was 4 years ago? Not really. I mean, I'm happier with my life as a whole, yes, abso-fucking-lutely, without question. And when I stop to really factor in my strength & speed & general bad-assery, yes, I realize I'm pretty damn thrilled with my body's capabilities, and furthermore I'm excited to see what else it can accomplish.

But put me in front of a mirror, and my gut reaction (hardy har har) is exactly the same as it was 4 years ago: Ugh, look at that belly.

So how the fuck do I shake this obsession?

Sunday, April 8

630a-fr egg & pork sausage on GF toast w/ coconut butter & mustard, 2c reg w/ 2T coconut milk, 10 praline pecans, supps
8a-basement barbell action
10a-finished off the praline pecans, 20-ish
1p-3oz ham, bunch of super delicious ribs, c mixed fruit, 3c reg
230p-handful mixed nuts
330p-GF dinner roll, c reg w/ 2T coconut milk, supps
6p-3oz ham, chicken leg, plain hamburger, 1.5 deviled eggs, asparagus w/ olive oil
830p-dinner roll, c senna tea, supps

Planned high-calorie, high-carb day.

Pulls: 8, 6, 6, 5

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, solid as a rock. Got up feeling really good! Was dog tired at 8pm, though. Driving home from the SIL's, my eyes were gummy and I could not stop yawning!

Rehab: Still there, but most of the time I don't feel a thing. Was a little worse later in the eve, too much laziness all day?

Habit: Better today.

Happiness: Again no time. A good problem to have at this point, keeping the brain busy.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.
- Jane Howard

Saturday, April 7

6a-c reg, supps
830a-3c reg w/ SF syrup
10a-3c decaf w/ SF syrup, supps
12p-2 fr eggs, corned beef hash, 3c reg
7p-2 fr eggs, 2.5sl bacon, s chicken sausage, 2c decaf w/ 2T coconut milk, supps
915p-bag pork rinds w/ T guacamole (good combo!), 8 praline pecans

Started out fasting as planned, then joined tax firm for lunch since it was my last chance to do so. And I'm glad I did, because it was (a) delicious, and (b) very fun. To make up for the lack of fasting, I'm thinking of no breakfast Sat-Sun. Which is sad, when breakfast is the best meal of all! So to make up for that, both meals today = breakfast food!

Pulls: Did one smooth set of 5, then forgot all about them. iPad frustrations distracted me.

Sleep: 7 hours in bed, ugh. Went to bed late due to nap, then Hop came home, and sleep was not all that great. Woke just before 6 and couldn't fall back.

Rehab: Still feel it in weird positions but not walking normal.

Habit: Too busy to think about it. Awesome!

Misc: I am an iPad owner! Spent over an hour last night on it, and over an hour this morning (when I could've been working, GAH) trying to get it to work. Wouldn't connect to the internet via our wireless (kept asking for passwords that I thought I had modified on the laptop!) and I couldn't fucking figure it out. So the frustration is (a) not only isn't it working, but also (b) I'm too inept to get it working. Lovely feeling. And I don't fucking have time to dick around with it.

Solution: bitch on Facebook, have Terri offer up Jeremy's help as he drives from the Cities to Alex. SWEET TIMING! He stopped over and got it working (happily, it did take him a while to figure out to just completely reset the wireless, so I'm not a total dumbass) and then he showed me a bunch of awesome things that it does. Which meant I was missing from the tax firm for 3.5 hours, but totally worth it. Some of the things he showed me probably would've taken me 2 months to figure out!

Anyway, that meant I went back to the tax firm at 730pm to work for just one hour to finish up a firm client and a personal return. Ugh.

Happiness: To return tomorrow if I have time. Holiday family time and allathat.

Your true religion is the life you live, not the creed you profess.

Friday, April 6

530a-2 fr eggs, 2 sl bacon, 2 chick saus, c reg, almond milk latte, supps
730a-Americano w/ SF syrup
930a-coco-choco protein pudding, 2c decaf w/ stevia, oz almonds, supps
1030a-mobility, chin ups, handstands
130p-chicken breast, 2T fresh salsa, oz almonds, supps
530p-3 guacamole deviled eggs w/ flax tortillas, supps

Back to a carb-free day. Supper was an experiment that was pretty tasty & super filling. And then afterward I checked the calories in the flax: 80 cal/2T. Um, I used 1.25c. That's 20T. That's 800 calories. Shit! Luckily I was planning to fast until supper tomorrow anyway, so here comes an Eat Stop Eat experiment.

MOTIVATION: On Monday I go to Maurices to select the outfits I'll model in the LAPW style show. Must eliminate as much fat as possible between now and then! Okay, so there's definitely not much I can do in 3 days. But I can certainly avoid carbs. And IF a bit.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed. Was shooting for 9, but the hubster's alarm woke me at 5. (Yes I was in bed by 830pm. Jealous?) Woke often, though, thus not as refreshed as I'd like to be. So, I also went down for a 2-hour nap in the afternoon.

Rehab: Another step of improvement. Pun intended!

Habit: I cleaned out my workout locker yesterday, thus I was stuck in tight shorts & a tight tank for the workout. Not a happy sight in the mirror. Rest of the day I did okay.

Misc: I bailed on work at 3pm. I might regret that on Monday morning when the shit hits the fan, but it was a good boost to leave early and get that nap in!

Happiness: Based on this post.
Increase flow experiences. – Flow is a state in which it feels like time stands still.  It’s when you’re so focused on what you’re doing that you become one with the task.  Action and awareness are merged.  You’re not hungry, sleepy, or emotional.  You’re just completely engaged in the activity that you’re doing.  Nothing is distracting you or competing for your focus.
That reminds me that Dustin said he has the book Flow - and I want to read it.

Anyway - my usual "go to" source of flow is running, obviously, but I also find this when reading a good book, hanging with friends, or even (nerd alert!) having Fun With Numbers - but that does depend on the task. Today's work session of FWN made me want to cry. However, tomorrow at the tax firm will fly by. So yes, I often get buried in work and enjoy it, and I know this makes me a very lucky person. Many people have shitty jobs, and I am thankful that I do not fall into this soul-sucking category.

However, flow just can't come at work alone. There has to be personal flow as well. If I can't run or hang with my people, I can read, and I have been. Currently, about happiness! I'm picking up a lot of excellent tips and feel like I will make some actual leaps because of it. Also, sometimes hanging with friends is not flow but rather draining, depending on the rest of my schedule. Flow is a requirement for maintaining a filled bucket. When my bucket gets empty, I definitely feel it. I get very down, very MEH about everything from personal life to work to people to cats to literally everything. That's not a happy place. Flow is where it's at!

Strictly based on the above definition, TV-watching or internet-absorption could be considered flow, but I don't think it is. I think flow has to be something that you enjoy & benefit from, not just something that occupies your time. It absorbs you in full, and if you look back tomorrow, you're pleased with how you killed your time. 

So, for now, here's to more reading, more hanging with my peeps, and running when I can!

The one thing that's never changed is that you still have to work hard. A lot of people and a lot of programs are trying to sidestep that one main issue. But you gotta go in there and you gotta bust your ass! People need to quit looking for the easy way out and get to work.

- Dave Tate, CEO EliteFTS

Thursday, April 5

530a-2 fr eggs, 1.5 pork patties, 2 sl GF toast, T coconut butter, T SF jelly, 2c reg, stevia, supps
645a-almond milk latte
730a-2c reg w/ 2T coconut milk
915a-oz almonds
945a-personal training
1230p-5oz tuna, 2T mustard, s sesame crackers, oz spiced almonds, baby banana, 2c decaf w/ 2T coconut milk, supps
5p-3oz spiced almonds, supps

3 meals today. Training pushed back my normal time for meal 2, so I pushed back meal 3 & didn't need a meal 4. But all were larger than normal so total calories are about the same. Carbs in pWO & PWO meals, then back to no carbs!

Switched up supps today: only fish oil, FiberSmart, Met. Have been skipping all supps at a meal here or there, want to gradually cut them out. Trying a full day to see if I feel any immediate difference.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed. Once again the hubster came home at like 1am & woke me. GAH. I am happy he can catch a few hours in a real bed, and take a hot shower, but I hate how much it's fucking up MY sleep. Anyway, I fell back, woke again at probably 3 & fell back, and woke again at probably 5 and couldn't fall back. Got up when my "alarm light" came on at 530.

Rehab: Improved from yesterday. No pain when walking.

Habit: Digestive system is back to normal so I feel much better about my belly.

Misc/happiness: Another busy work day. I like. Tune back in tomorrow.

If you're ever having a bad day, the best way to get through it is to make another person's day AWESOME.
-Rog Law

Wednesday, April 4

5a-c reg, supps
6a-c reg w/ stevia, cinnamon
730a-2c senna tea
10a-Americano w/ SF syrup
2p-2 caramel pecan bars, 2c decaf, supps
530p-yoga class
630p-sausage & stir fry, protein ice cream, Larabar, supps

Half-day of fasting. Had to resist those bars (Heather brought them in) for 6 whole hours! That's worth a huge gold star. Freezing but otherwise good: first time I even felt hungry was at 2. Bonus: the incredibly delicious bars have carbs to fuel tomorrow's deadlifts!

Pulls: 5x4 during class. Again, I meant to do 5 sets, but I think it was only 4.

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, but not that great. Hop came home at 1, was wide awake for a bit at 3, bleah.

Rehab: Slight pain on walking. And legs feel like I spent a half hour doing Prowler pushes or something. Huh, that's weird.

Habit: Really fucking difficult today. Wearing a very tight dress, and have massive digestive issues. Pounding the water down. Feeling awful. Managed to keep this from ruining my day by keeping perspective that it was only temporary. I seriously fucking look pregnant, no exaggeration.

Misc: Good busy day, kept me from obsessing.

Happiness: Will try to resume the journaling on this tomorrow. Busy bee.

Who am I to think I'm so special that I'm not allowed to make mistakes? When did I come up with that? I'm fully and totally culpable for all of my errors, but...I am also fully responsible for all the wonderful successes of my life. And that's a huge thing.

-Julia Roberts

Tuesday, April 3

530a-fr egg, 2 sl bacon, 3oz ham, 1 chicken sausage, c reg, supps
630a-almond milk latte, bite of ground pork patty
730a-1.5c reg w/ 2T coconut milk
930a-stir fry w/ ground pork sausage, pork sausage patty, 6 almonds, supps
12p-personal training
1p-can Zevia
145p-salad, 2 hb egg, 3 oz ham steak, 2T guacamole, .5oz slivered almonds, 2c decaf w/ stevia, supps
630p-can Zevia
730p-3oz cashews
8p-2oz almonds
830p-c senna tea

Few-to-no carbs day 3. Overate post-training, but otherwise good. Was going to fast for final meal, but I was getting extremely tired so I nabbed some nuts. And then couldn't stop. I blame this on tasty salted cashews, not the low-carb nonsense. And then on the way home, I also couldn't resist the almonds I had brought for supper. This is a sign to look at calories over the past few days and figure out what kind of caloric cycling I need to set.

Sleep: In bed 8 hours, but took a while to fall asleep. Woke at 4, fell back, up just past 5.

Rehab: Feeling a slight downtick from yesterday. Left knee was giving sharp pains in certain bends, like kneecap is off track a bit - went away by 10a. Stood at tax firm all eve but wasn't too bad since I sat in a 1.5-hr meeting at TS in morn. Lower back did bother a bit but good posture kept fixing it.

Habit: Today I made the effort to stop checking my reflection in all of windows, picture frames, etc. I did still focus on belly in front of a mirror, but it's progress.

Misc: Tax season countdown: 4 shifts / 30 hours of work left after tonight. Hooray!

Interesting: tonight a coworker came into the small office with a bag of McDonald's grub. All I could smell was fat. And it did not smell good like bacon, but gross like old grease. Nasty!

Happiness: (I'm journaling on each of the items in this post.)

Learn to forgive. – Harboring feelings of hatred is horrible for your well-being.  You see, your mind doesn’t know the difference between past and present emotion.  When you ‘hate’ someone, and you’re continuously thinking about it, those negative emotions are eating away at your immune system.  You put yourself in a state of suckerism (technical term) and it stays with you throughout your day.
I try not to truly hate anyone, or even be one of those people who says "I hate [X celebrity]!" because, really, that's ridiculous. You don't even know that person, how can you hate them? But I will confess: there are three people that I think are truly horrible human beings, and I will feel zero sadness when they leave this planet. A long time ago, they treated me terribly and worked hard to paint me me as an awful person. If I run into them, it does usually ruin my day; but on the bright side, I rarely run into them, and rarely think about them, so it doesn't affect me too much.

On the other hand, I have a coworker that I don't hate, but does annoy the crap out of me; meanwhile everyone else pretty much adores them. I interact with this person regularly, and I have to work very hard to prevent from automatically responding with negative thoughts. When I get annoyed, it absolutely bogs me down and makes me see everything they do in a crankypants light. When I make the effort to stop the negativity, to "build a bridge and get over it," I can rediscover my normal attitude and tolerate those interactions just fine.

You know who I really need to forgive, though? Sabrina Marthaler Hoppe. I can (and do) bitch up a storm about the stupid things that girl does and says. I can go on and on about the many ways she has disappointed me. I can point out the many failures in both her brain and body that have completely ruined plans & goals I had made. And I can successfully put myself into a state of suckerism for days, even weeks, on end. Easily.

It takes a lot more effort to talk about the smart things she says and does, the ways she has impressed me, and the many successes in her brain & body that have helped me achieve my goals.

Somehow, that's way the fuck harder.

But it's also way the fuck worth it.

Do not dwell in the past. The past may have affected some of your situation today, but only you have the power to change things around for the better. Continuing to be bitter about what may have happened will only make your perspective more cynical. Overcome what has been, and shift your focus onto what could be. Then see how much brighter the future can appear.
-Christine Beauchamp

Read This: Nia Shanks

Letting Go of the Fat Loss Mindset
If you’ve been training and eating specifically for fat loss for an extended period of time (and you don’t have much excess body fat to lose), then it might be time to let go of the fat loss mindset.

Over the next week I urge you to be conscious of your thoughts and what you say about, and to, yourself. How do you talk to yourself when you’re trying on clothes? What do you say when you see yourself in pictures? Do you have more positive or negative self thoughts?

Do you constantly think about, and train and eat (or not eat) for, fat loss?

Once you’re aware of these thoughts, it will be much easier to address them.

She's definitely talking to me.

She might also be talking to you.

The past 18 months has been about fat gain for me, even though every fucking day I think about fat loss. But I made progress while training for the powerlifting meet, when I stopped thinking about fat loss so damn much and instead focused on powerlifting and had fun learning & progressing in every single training session.


My sources say no.

Monday, April 2

445a-2 fr eggs, 2 sl bacon, s chicken sausage, c reg, supps
6a-c reg w/ 2T coconut milk
630a-taught class, did nice easy squats during downtime (BW & front, back, OH w/ 12-lb versabar)
730a-2c reg w/ 2T coconut milk
930a-stir fry w/ ground pork sausage, 2c decaf w/ 2T coconut milk
1030a-mobility mania
215p-chicken leg & thigh, 2c decaf w/ 2T coconut milk, supps
515p-3oz ham steak, 2T Sunbutter w/ 2T coconut flakes, supps
830p-c senna tea

Look ma, no carbs! And felt just fine all day. Why do it? Dropping carbs sheds off water weight, shows off a little more definition than usual, and that "fake progress" always gives me a little extra motivation to keep nutrition where it should be. I feel like I need a little extra help during my last close week of tax season, which could potentially be all kinds of stressful thanks to the other staff accountant's impending baby (his wife is due 4/6). I'm also two weeks before vacation, with a busy weekend between that doesn't leave me much spare time to pack. Oh, and 5 days after returning from vacation, I'm modeling, but need to pick out the clothes this week or next. So many reasons to hit it hard!

Pulls: 5x4 - I intended to do 5 sets, but I believe I forgot the last one.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed. Slept solidly, but Hop came home shortly after I crawled in, and I was wide awake at 4a. Feel pretty good despite this, but will sleep in tomorrow.

Rehab: More baby steps of improvement!

Habit: Wearing a super flattering dress and focusing on posture = happier day.

Misc: Awww, apparently Noonan Sport Specialists is 5 years old. That kicks ass! I frankly can't imagine where I'd be without NSS.

This is how I picture Mike & Dustin spending their time 5 years ago, before things got so insanely busy:

(And they really do.)

Happiness: Journaling based on this post.
Develop strategies for coping. – How you respond to the ‘craptastic’ moments is what shapes your character.  Sometimes crap happens – it’s inevitable.  Forrest Gump knows the deal.  It can be hard to come up with creative solutions in the moment when manure is making its way up toward the fan.  It helps to have healthy strategies for coping pre-rehearsed, on-call, and in your arsenal at your disposal.
Ah, here's something I struggle with. Running is my stress relief, my time of mental recharging and meditation and zoning out. What happens when that's taken away because of an injury? I have more stress than normal, because I'm injured and freaking out, and now I have also lost my best source of stress release. It makes me into a total fucking basket case. (One that I'm sure Dustin has often wanted to grab the handle of and toss over the railing.) I run further and further down dark alleys, convinced the world is ending, the sky is falling, my life will never be what I want it to be. And how many god damn times do I have to put myself through this before I realize that it's never that bad?

Dealing with the grief of losing Boston is a prime example; I totally fell apart and was on the edge of tears 24/7 for a while there. But I do think I'm improving from where I once was. I'm learning to take a step backward and see everything from a 10,000-foot view much sooner than I used to do.

Like right now, I'm expecting it'll be May before I get to run for even 2 minutes again, and that really fucking sucks, and one year ago I would've been so focused on that that I wouldn't see a lick of benefit from it. But now, I'm aware that these rest days will do me a world of good: a full week training break (when we go to Boston) is something I haven't done since I started regularly working out about 4 years ago; I have a lot of downtime to read, to clean my house, to hang with friends, to work (oops), to watch TV; all that rest between lifting sessions means amazing recovery; I'm doing way more mobility work AND hanging with Joy at the same time; and forced time off running always helps me rediscover my absolute joy and delight when I can return.

This round, my coping strategies seem to revolve around lifting and reading. But with some injuries, lifting is also a problem, so I do need to work on more outlets. Once tax season ends I can add in yardwork or bike rides or just taking the kits outside for fresh air. I think I'm going to make it after all!


Read This: Balanced Bites

How to find your hedgehog and figure out what to be when you grow up!

Sunday, April 1

445a-fr egg, 1.5sl bacon, grapefruit, c reg, supps
530a-sweet potato pancake experiment, c reg
6a-can diet cherry Pepsi
1030a-2 fr eggs, 3 sl bacon, salad w/ tomato dressing, c decaf, supps
215p-lifting session
430p-2 fr eggs, big ol' ham steak, slivered almonds, supps

Sleep: 5.5 hours in bed. I was wide awake at 4am, thanks to that late-night snacking, and couldn't fall back asleep. Knew I could do a nap later, so I got up & moving. Actually felt pretty good but forced myself to get in a 2.5-hour nap.

Rehab: More improvement. Hurts with off-balance stances, but okay walking. Yay!

Habit: Ignored it fine all morning but then kept staring at it during my workout. Stupid!

Food Prep: 2 packages chicken sausage; 2 ham steaks; slow cooker chicken; stir fry.

Acne: Improving. But last nights BnPB fest might just make it recur with a vengeance. Idiot.

Misc: I bought an iPad this morning. (Before paying bills - that's definitely the time to do it!!) Then I also spent money on Red Sox tickets - but only $30 each, not bad at all! Spent a good hour researching what to do in Boston. So many options and decisions to be made! I wish for someone to tell me exactly what to do each day.

Hilarious thing I have to share - Aisha Tyler's blanket "apology" on her recent podcast. "Whatever the fuck you were offended by, I'm sorry. And when I say "I'm sorry," I mean it in a really offhanded kind of bullshit way. Get over yourself. It's fucking 2012. Be upset about real shit. Like fucking the destruction of democracy, starving babies, the fact that Words With Friends keeps crashing your iPad. Real shit. Be upset about real shit!"

Happiness: (see here for what I'm doing)
Nurture social relationships. – The happiest people on the planet are the ones who have deep, meaningful relationships.  Did you know studies show that people’s mortality rates are DOUBLED when they’re lonely?  WHOA!  There’s a warm fuzzy feeling that comes from having an active circle of good friends who you can share your experiences with.  We feel connected and a part of something more meaningful than our lonesome existence.
Yes, yes, yes. I've found that when I'm most down and out, I can dash off a "help me" email to a handful of amazing friends, and they pull me up every time. Having so many people who get me makes a world of difference. I have two rather compartmentalized groups of friends: my Sauk girls, the ones with whom I grew up and share a ton of experiences in our formative years; and my Alex crowd, the ones I've met through work and with whom I tend to have more in common right now. But both groups are highly valuable, as they serve difference purposes. I do make an effort to connect with all friends regularly, preferably monthly if I can. (It probably won't shock you to learn I even have a spreadsheet to track the last time I hung out with specific people. Sounds pathetic, I know, but otherwise I would go for 6 months without ever talking to the woman I consider my big sister. That's way lamer than a social spreadsheet!) Sometimes it can get overwhelming, like if I'm trying to keep it up during tax season, but the effort is always worth it, because it gets me out of my own self-centered world and we re-connect live and in person in a completely different way than just online or via email. In short: my people rule.

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.
-Og Mandino