Thursday, March 8

445a-fr egg, 1.5sl bacon, GF English muffin, honey mustard, sm apple, c reg, supps
615a-c reg w/ T coconut creamer
645a-2c reg
930a-2T Sunbutter, T coconut flakes, sm banana, supps
12p-personal training
3p-salad w/ balsamic, oz almonds, sm apple, supps
7p-fr egg, 1.5sl bacon, 2 sl GF toast, honey mustard, choco-banana protein shake, sm apple, supps

Poor mental state at supper meant I wanted to eat everything in sight. Somehow I had enough willpower to restrain it some, think about eating to fuel tomorrow's long run, and I was even able to slap down the thought, "Maybe I should open the jar of peanut butter to eat with my apple." I knew if I did that - half the jar would be gone in a flash. I was able to visualize eating it, feel the anger, disappointment, & shame that I'd feel if I did - and tell myself that would guarantee me a terrible long run due to the mental state it would put me in. I did not open the PB. That's a victory.

-Right shin VERY sore. Lower back a little tight in the morning, good post-training.

Weight: 140.2 lbs, 19.4% fat - up 1.6 from yesterday, up 2.6 from a week ago. First viewing of 140 in 2012, a fuck you! kind of first. And I don't understand it at all. Up 3.2 lbs in just two days, but WHERE? Usually a jump like that is visible, either I'm all-over puffy or constipated or something I can see. I have none of that going on. Maybe it's the poor/low sleep catching up? Water a little bit lower than normal? So confused.

And I'm battling the urge to care about that number, because it has nothing to do with body comp (remember, Rachel Cosgrove weighs 155!), but it does affect running. Hauling around a heavier weight means more effort. And if there's anything I don't need right now, it's more stress about my running. I just looked at my countdown clock: 38 days & change to the Boston Marathon. I almost cried.

Sleep: 7.25 hours in bed. Wide awake at 330 (though not for b/r) and up at 440 (to alarm, UGH) because of month-end close. Gah-ROSS.

Habit: Check done, 10a.

Acne: Either I'm reacting to something or the bacon grease also burned my face. It could be a small batch of cysts, or it could be minor burn blisters. Attractive, right? Anyway, if it is cysts...definitely need to eliminate & then test the pork rinds. Sadness.

Misc: Brain is not doing well today. Many apologies to Dustin, the poor bastard who tries to lift me back up out of the holes I drag myself into. What he says is wise & insightful & helpful every time, and it usually gets me laughing & pulled out of myself enough to realize I'm being stupid - but sometimes I still sink right back down to where I was. Today I kind of sank again, but I can recognize it for what it is: not enough sleep. I was planning to work the tax firm tonight if I got out before 4, but I need sleep more than anything else. I'm no good to anyone when I feel like this, and I have a long run tomorrow, and it's guaranteed to go poorly if my brain stays in this state.

When I was trying to leave, I hit two walls of frustration (1, someone duplicating the work I'd just done, which pisses me off, but extra pisses me off when I could've just fucking let him do it and left earlier; and 2, someone giving me info I needed but when I had my coat on and was packing up the cheesecakes I'd made for my team and clearly trying to leave and desperately wanting to be in my god damn bed, but she was doing so at this last minute before she left, because she gets tomorrow off) and I truly very nearly cried each time. Just so frustrated, nothing I could do in either situation, and no mental capacity left to "deal" and get over it. So I went home and took a 2-hour nap. I felt a little better when I got up, though in typical Sabrina fashion I beat myself up for being such a dragging anchor to everyone else all damn day. I'm sorry, Dustin.

There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.
-Aldous Leonard Huxley

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