Wednesday, February 29

630a-2 fr eggs, 7oz rotisserie chicken, c reg, supps
830a-c reg
10a-salad, 2c asparagus, s tilapia & onions, decaf almond milk latte, supps
3p-pork rinds, 4oz ground pork, c decaf
430p-c decaf w/ cinnamon, supps
7p-PB&J choco crepes, 3oz pork roast, 3 sm squares egg bake, 2c decaf, supps

-AFB pulls, am: 5x4
-AFB pulls, pm: 5x4
-Slight lower back tightness in the morning until I got moving; upper back just a bit sore. Blaming, in order, back extensions and overhead presses. (Blaming, but not complaining!)

Weight: 137.8 lbs, 20.0% fat - down 1.8 from yesterday, up .4 from a week ago.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed. Woke naturally without the alarm, got up feeling well rested but dehydrated. Took a while to fall asleep. Thinking about Jack. Worrying about Jack's brother, best friend, practically Siamese twin, Jerry, and what this might do to him.

Took a 2-hour nap at 1pm. Just mentally beat down and tired. Reasoned that mental stress and physical stress pretty much have the same impact on the body, nothing wrong with extra sleep.

Habit: I did my mobility work and bovine raises while I made meal #3.

Acne: I ate the last of my rotisserie chicken, so we'll see if that causes anything. I have also placed my tasty Chick-o-Sticks on the suspect list, so I will test them after I give the chicken a few days. If I'm reacting to even one per day, that's super sucky!

Misc: Yesterday I practiced a handstand for the first time. My reaction to Dustin telling me this was added to my program was a weird mix of surprise, fear and intimidation - especially considering I had requested beastly skills be in my new program. He even commented yesterday that he didn't understand why I was reacting like I was.

I've been thinking about it, and I really don't like my reaction, but I have pinpointed the source: it's the old me. The chubby girl in the corner who wasn't athletic or remotely fit. Why have I slipped back? I think it's the knee pain. Part of me feels like that might be partially attributed to the weight I've put on, so that part of me is full of disappointment and sadness and frustration and fears and the knee pain in general has always made me feel pretty defeated. And Jack's death is another tough blow at a time that I'm not feeling so hot. But you know what?


I want to return to the me who finds any new challenge as exciting, fun, something to be conquered. I'm telling myself Jack would be the last person in the entire fucking world to accept a "poor me" attitude or let me talk myself into defeat; he'd be telling me to man the fuck up and make it happen. Hell, he'd happily shock me with a cattle prod to make me get going! I'm fully aware of the dangers of that old mindset, and battling them, and taking inspiration where I can - but god fucking damn it, it's hard.

Neghar Fonooni is like my grown-up, smarter, better, alter-ego and/or hero: this blog post spoke to me about the need to find what centers me, what reminds me why I do everything that I do. I usually count on running & training to provide me that regular dose of meditation and rejuvenation. When that lets me down, I'm at a loss. Running is now fraught with fears. Sessions with Dustin still bust out the endorphins, but I have a tendency to let those fucking pullup numbers drag me down.

Well, maybe I can do something about that. One of the first signs of overtraining is lack of progress, right? So in effort to help them, I'm throwing in a weekend rest day and skipping them at home Tues/Thurs. If it's not working, try something new.

But I still come back to, what is centering me? I haven't quite pinpointed it. It's not my kits, too easily annoyed by them even when they're just looking for love and ear rubs. It's not my husband (thanks to emotional damage from my ex, I'm viscerally averse to letting any person be the center of my life, even one who is 100% devoted to me). It shouldn't be physical goals or accomplishments, because those are sometimes out of my control. It's not my job, which it shouldn't be, but which has left me sort of angsty and bored lately anyway. I'm at a bit of a loss, clearly. Unsettled.

Man, I'm all over the place lately, aren't I? This thing is less and less blog, more and more journal. But if you're still reading, I guess you must be picking up some nuggets from my ramblings. Or you are a glutton for punishment. Or you're Dustin and you wade through the brain vomit of your highest-maintenance client because she's your favorite. (Sorry, Joy, but it's right there on the interwebz, so it MUST be true!) Either way, I'm not apologizing. It's my blog and I'll vomit if I want to!

Believing in something makes it possible. It doesn't necessarily make it easy.
-Stephen Covey

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