Wednesday, February 29

630a-2 fr eggs, 7oz rotisserie chicken, c reg, supps
830a-c reg
10a-salad, 2c asparagus, s tilapia & onions, decaf almond milk latte, supps
3p-pork rinds, 4oz ground pork, c decaf
430p-c decaf w/ cinnamon, supps
7p-PB&J choco crepes, 3oz pork roast, 3 sm squares egg bake, 2c decaf, supps

-AFB pulls, am: 5x4
-AFB pulls, pm: 5x4
-Slight lower back tightness in the morning until I got moving; upper back just a bit sore. Blaming, in order, back extensions and overhead presses. (Blaming, but not complaining!)

Weight: 137.8 lbs, 20.0% fat - down 1.8 from yesterday, up .4 from a week ago.

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed. Woke naturally without the alarm, got up feeling well rested but dehydrated. Took a while to fall asleep. Thinking about Jack. Worrying about Jack's brother, best friend, practically Siamese twin, Jerry, and what this might do to him.

Took a 2-hour nap at 1pm. Just mentally beat down and tired. Reasoned that mental stress and physical stress pretty much have the same impact on the body, nothing wrong with extra sleep.

Habit: I did my mobility work and bovine raises while I made meal #3.

Acne: I ate the last of my rotisserie chicken, so we'll see if that causes anything. I have also placed my tasty Chick-o-Sticks on the suspect list, so I will test them after I give the chicken a few days. If I'm reacting to even one per day, that's super sucky!

Misc: Yesterday I practiced a handstand for the first time. My reaction to Dustin telling me this was added to my program was a weird mix of surprise, fear and intimidation - especially considering I had requested beastly skills be in my new program. He even commented yesterday that he didn't understand why I was reacting like I was.

I've been thinking about it, and I really don't like my reaction, but I have pinpointed the source: it's the old me. The chubby girl in the corner who wasn't athletic or remotely fit. Why have I slipped back? I think it's the knee pain. Part of me feels like that might be partially attributed to the weight I've put on, so that part of me is full of disappointment and sadness and frustration and fears and the knee pain in general has always made me feel pretty defeated. And Jack's death is another tough blow at a time that I'm not feeling so hot. But you know what?


I want to return to the me who finds any new challenge as exciting, fun, something to be conquered. I'm telling myself Jack would be the last person in the entire fucking world to accept a "poor me" attitude or let me talk myself into defeat; he'd be telling me to man the fuck up and make it happen. Hell, he'd happily shock me with a cattle prod to make me get going! I'm fully aware of the dangers of that old mindset, and battling them, and taking inspiration where I can - but god fucking damn it, it's hard.

Neghar Fonooni is like my grown-up, smarter, better, alter-ego and/or hero: this blog post spoke to me about the need to find what centers me, what reminds me why I do everything that I do. I usually count on running & training to provide me that regular dose of meditation and rejuvenation. When that lets me down, I'm at a loss. Running is now fraught with fears. Sessions with Dustin still bust out the endorphins, but I have a tendency to let those fucking pullup numbers drag me down.

Well, maybe I can do something about that. One of the first signs of overtraining is lack of progress, right? So in effort to help them, I'm throwing in a weekend rest day and skipping them at home Tues/Thurs. If it's not working, try something new.

But I still come back to, what is centering me? I haven't quite pinpointed it. It's not my kits, too easily annoyed by them even when they're just looking for love and ear rubs. It's not my husband (thanks to emotional damage from my ex, I'm viscerally averse to letting any person be the center of my life, even one who is 100% devoted to me). It shouldn't be physical goals or accomplishments, because those are sometimes out of my control. It's not my job, which it shouldn't be, but which has left me sort of angsty and bored lately anyway. I'm at a bit of a loss, clearly. Unsettled.

Man, I'm all over the place lately, aren't I? This thing is less and less blog, more and more journal. But if you're still reading, I guess you must be picking up some nuggets from my ramblings. Or you are a glutton for punishment. Or you're Dustin and you wade through the brain vomit of your highest-maintenance client because she's your favorite. (Sorry, Joy, but it's right there on the interwebz, so it MUST be true!) Either way, I'm not apologizing. It's my blog and I'll vomit if I want to!

Believing in something makes it possible. It doesn't necessarily make it easy.
-Stephen Covey

Tuesday, February 28

530a-2 fr eggs, 1.5 sl bacon, 2 sm apples, c reg, supps
630a-almond milk latte
715a-2c reg
945a-s tilapia w/ onions, stir fry, oz cocoa/cinnamon almonds, supps
12p-personal training
130p-sm banana, 5oz tuna w/ 2T mustard, s sesame crackers, 2 sm apples, 2c decaf, supps
3p-3c diet A&W
6p-pork rinds, 2 sm apples

Weight: 139.6 lbs, 20.5% fat. I pretty much just stared in flat-out disbelief at that number. Water retention, I guess due to not taking as much in over the past two days, but I don't see it or feel it. Weirdness. Solution? Pound down the water and get that gallon in.

Sleep: In bed 8.5 hours. Woke w/o alarm shortly past 5. An excellent, solid night of sleep, without NyQuil! Still vague bit of lingering head cold, about the same as yesterday.

Habit: Mobility and calf raises twice.

Misc: Learned of the death of an old friend today. Not an old friend, Jack was only 35; but he was a bit like another older brother back when I was in 9th grade...which was half my life ago.

He lived Evel Knievel-style, life on the edge, I've heard a million stories about him & buddies where it's a miracle no one was hurt; he lived to thumb his nose at societal norms, loved to question "why," refused to do what he was "supposed" to do and flouted authority constantly; was that cool older bad-boy that girls crushed on and guys emulated; despite his show-off obnoxious "look at me" outer shell, he was a fun-loving, kindhearted person always ready to help a friend out; perpetually invincible...until...he wasn't.

I guess eventually everyone falls off the edge, but the shocking ones are so painful. He died in an avalanche while snowmobiling out west with a big group of friends. A silver lining would be that no one else was hurt, but it sure is a sad, thin little lining. My cousin worked with him, my brother did as well until a couple months ago, and my husband was also friends with him...shit, everyone was friends with him. He was no longer like an older brother to me, we had drifted pretty far from that, but maybe like a cousin I used to spend a lot of time with. And I bet a couple hundred people could same the exact same thing. I haven't seen him in a while (which is sad given I could literally run to his house, maybe 10 miles away) but to think he's no longer around to laugh with ever again is a gouging a painful hole of sadness in my li'l heart.

How can a larger-than-life personality possibly be taken away like that? Just...gone. Everyone is saying "Rest in peace" but I won't. I think that whatever and wherever Jack is now, he's stirring up shit and laughing his ass off.

Here is something powerful to read next time you are going through something difficult, which, for all I know, is today, right now, this instant, same time as me.

In that case, hugs to you.

If you're doing great, hugs anyway.

Take one and pass it on.

It's a huggy kind of day.

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

- Earl Nightingale

Monday, February 27

445a-fr egg, 1.5 sl bacon, grapefruit, c reg, supps
6a-almond milk latte
630a-equipment-free class
7a-Larabar, 2c reg
930a-salad w/ balsamic, 1.5 oz butter toffee almonds, supps
2p-s Tilapia, onions, stir fry, bag snap peas, sm apple, supps
530p-spaghetti squash w/ meat sauce, pork rinds, supps

-AFB pulls, am: 4x4
-AFB pulls, pm: 4x4

Weight: 138.4 lbs, 24.3% fat - up 2 lbs, which I'd chalk up to long-run inflammation and not drinking enough water yesterday after the run.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed. Took a while to fall asleep but was solid once I did. Thanks, NyQuil! Alarm woke me but I didn't get up cranky, I was feeling good.

Misc: MUCH better post-long run recovery than the past couple weeks. No soreness at all, except the usual left knee weirdness, but even that is subdued. Dang, this might mean I should take a long walk after every long run. (Or just eat banana ice cream after every long run?) Head cold is still sort of hanging out in the sinuses, half-step away from totally gone. Participated fully in my morning class and felt good & strong. Nice brain boost! Feet got puffy in afternoon, 4pm, same time I started feeling plenty tired. Bailed at 430. Seriously considered a nap when I got home, but instead I ate and found a little dose of energy...just enough to finish laundry, do cat chores, and chillax on the couch!


Happiness can be defined, in part at least, as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually.
-Stephen Covey

Read This: Valerie Worthington

For my fellow hardcore training peeps - you probably need to read this one:

Befriend Your Body: Say No to Overtraining and Say Thank You to Your Body
Whether you are angry because you lost a tournament match, hate yourself because you “feel fat,” or are climbing the walls because you are sidelined by an injury, consider remembering that you and your body are in it together. You might as well be on the same side.
Find it all here:

Sunday, February 26

7a-fr egg sandwich w/ 2 sl bacon & T honey mustard, grapefruit, 7oz rotisserie chicken, T bbq sauce, 2c reg, supps
11a-fr egg sandwich w/ 1.5 sl bacon & T honey mustard, c reg w/ stevia, Larabar, supps
1230p-14.95m run/walk (knee pain sadness)
during run-2s Ultima, 3s sweet potato butter, Larabar
4p-salad w/ balsamic
5p-2c spaghetti squash w/ meat sauce, sl GF toast
7p-banana & PB2 ice cream, slice John Berardi's egg bake (fail: used egg white protein...threw it away), pork rinds, supps

-Took a day off pull-ups. Not a mental concern, just figured one rest day would be smart.

Weight: 136.4 lbs, 24.3% fat - a return to normalcy.

Sleep: 9.5 hours in bed. Up at 130a for b/r, which is when Hop came to bed. Have been taking 1 NyQuil last few nights, working well, knocks me out pretty solidly. Got up feeling decent.

Cold is still lingering in the sinuses. Not draining, not making my face bones hurt, not fogging up the brain, but it's also not gone yet.

About 9a, I was dog tired and couldn't stop yawning. So I took a nap, just 3 hours after I got up! In bed ~1.5 hours, probably slept for 1, but woke naturally.

Habit: Made a change: fuck water and tea...well, okay, not really. But I have a new daily habit that I need to focus on: mobility work. And perhaps calf raises, as they did tighten up while I ran.

Misc: Weather had me pretty nervous for the long run, but it ended up being pretty incredible after all. I saw a ton of people out walking! Too bad the fucking knee was not fucking cooperating. Up until it hurt, I was feeling pretty good, felt about 75% of the way to that "I can run forever!" feeling. I really wanted to return to my car once it started to hurt, especially since I was maybe a half mile away at that point - but I decided I could use the mental challenge of walking all the way to 15. During the second walking bout, I tried to run a couple more times but it hurt immediately. Other than getting really GD cold, it was fine; and oof, did my face & hands get cold! I thought I was going to bite my tongue off when I finished my Larabar in the car - my mouth just felt plain stupid. At home I took a nice hot shower followed by a cold blast to the lower legs & feet, which felt good, then lazed on the couch with TV & computer all afternoon.

Mentally I am doing surprisingly okay. Not defeated so much as frustrated. Analyzing the fuck out of it. I didn't run for an entire week but the pain came on earlier than last week. What the fuck! So what's the solution, run a whole lot this week and see what happens next Sunday? Stretch my 2 short runs out to medium runs? Try a longer run on Fridays? I don't know.

I did notice this as I ran: my right big toe does not operate the same as my left big toe. My left toe kisses the ground in full, I roll from outer foot through to it very smoothly - but the right foot does not roll through to the toe as completely, like I'm picking my foot up before the pad of the toe ever takes any of my weight. Hard to explain. May have nothing to do with it. May have everything to do with it. Maybe Dustin will have ideas. Maybe I should go to James with it. Maybe I should give up and never run again.

Just kidding. Boston is 49 days away, and god fucking damn it all, somehow I will finish that bitch.

I want to point out, again: mentally I am doing surprisingly well. I did not fall apart, I did not come home and eat a piglet, I didn't even cry! For you non-Dustin readers who may not realize it: this is not normal Sabrina behavior. At all. More do you say...the exact fucking opposite of normal.

Let me highlight:
-I thought about what to eat tonight, what was I craving...and went healthy. The first thing I ate when I got home after a sad long run was a salad. What?
-I had to talk myself into the banana ice cream since I felt like I'd truly "earned" the carb blast. It's not because I was craving it!
-I was noshing on a few pinches of slivered almonds (they were sprinkled on the failed egg bake) kinda mindlessly and I took note, stopped, and sealed up the bag with maybe one handful of slivers left in it. Snacky Sabrina would've just finished the damn bag to get it gone.
-I threw out the crappy egg bake. I have, in the past, thought, "Gross, I should just throw this away" while fully devouring said food.

I blame lots and lots of quality sleep; it truly seems to be doing wonders. I just started reading Lights Out: Sleep, Sugar, and Survival, so perhaps that will shed even more light on the topic. And yes, pun intended.

Think "I am facing this challenge" - not "I have this problem." 
-Stephen Covey

Saturday, February 25

615a-fr egg sandwich w/ honey mustard, grapefruit, c reg w/ splash almond milk & stevia, supps
8a-1.5c reg (Starbucks Via: a step up from instant, but still tastes like instant)
9a-1.5c reg (McDonald's reg: just bad coffee)
1030a-2T Sunbutter, bag snap peas, sm apple, .5oz butter toffee almonds, can diet dr wow (forgot supps)
230p-s tilapia & onions, c stir fry, sm apple, .5oz butter toffee almonds, 1.5c white chocolate tea, supps
330p-oz butter toffee almonds
615p-5oz tuna w/ T honey mustard on GF bread, salad w/ balsamic, sm apple, PB2, sl bacon, c decaf w/ caramel vanilla tea bag, supps
730p-3 mini Chick-o-Sticks (saved 'em up!)

-AFB pulls, am: 4x5
-AFB pulls, pm: 4x4
-Felt good physically, though got fatigued as the day went on. 330p snack was strictly to get more calories in my system. After taxes, was on my tush all night at home.

Weight: 138.0 lbs, 22.4% fat. Perhaps the weight is staying up because I've upped carbs quite a bit with all this fruit? Plus the extra water? Meh, either way, I'm doing what I should be doing, and that's the important thing to focus on. Yes, I really fucking hate that I was 20 lbs less than this only 14 months ago, but it is what it is. Rachel Cosgrove weighs 155...that's what I keep telling myself.

Sleep: 9 hours in bed. No alarm, woke once to Scentsy light, fell back asleep, up at 620. Most excellent!

Habit: 75% good.

Misc: Feeling better than yesterday. Still a little phlegm-y but well-rested. Still, not another 12-hour day - cut it down to "just" 10.

I took an extra half hour in the morning to listen to Leigh Peele and make some notes for Dustin, and then did another round after supper. The more I listen to her the better I feel about being able to keep my eating in line. This week I've done well at eating around maintenance and getting high quality nutritious food in to speed up cold recovery. I should be able to do this every single week!

Acne: I have a few tiny blemishes popping up. I'm suspecting that GD delicious rotisserie chicken is probably half bathed in soy...gah.

Don't believe everything you think.
Ask tough questions.
Start with yourself.

Friday, February 24

530a-fr egg, 2 sl GF toast, grapefruit, sm apple, c reg w/ stevia, supps
7a-2c reg w/ SF syrup
1030a-pork rinds, sm apple, can diet dr wow, supps
12p-can diet dr wow
2p-3oz pork roast, bag snap peas, sm apple, 1.5c decaf chai tea, supps
8p-6oz chicken, salad, supps

-Kippy AFB pulls, am: 4x5 (starting to get the hang of them...pun intended)
-Non-kippy AFB pulls, pm: 4x2 (smooth up & down)
-Body feels good, no soreness anywhere!

Weight: 138.2 lbs, 23.4% fat. I have no idea what's going on with my weight. I expected it to be down from yesterday; not wishful thinking, just how I was feeling. Weird. Whatever.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed. Due to the nap, took a while to fall asleep even with 1 NyQuil in my system. Slept solidly. Woke once to Scentsy light, fell back asleep, woke naturally at 530 & got up.

Habit: Whoa. Off normal schedule, didn't drink any water until 2pm! Only got a half gallon in.

Misc: I have a PSA for y'all: don't buy the bag of tiny cute Honeycrisp apples at Elden's. They are pretty flavorless. If you're just about low calories, they work, but man, they're blah. DO buy the 2 1-lb bags of tilapia for $8. That's a helluva deal.

At tax firm all day, thus sitting on my tush...12.3 hours. I think that's some kind of record for me. Somehow I felt awake & focused all day, though I'm pretty sure it won't be duplicated on Saturday.

You should've taken me up on my bet that I'd be feeling normal by today. I'm not. Kind of stalled out, feeling about the same as I have since Wednesday. Not terrible, but still a bit tired. Frustration! Did improve some throughout the day.

I am boldly predicting the next drastic thing in weight loss: just voluntarily have your jaw wired shut! If you take away all solid food options, you're going to drop pounds fast. Obviously you could still suck in copious amounts of Mountain Dew or sugary milkshakes and do some damage, but if you actually stuck to healthy smoothies or Ensure or the like, damn, you'd do well! Before you laugh - consider how much less invasive this is than lap band surgery & that line of craziness. Oh, wait, I guess I'm not the first to think of it.


There are so many things that we wish we had done yesterday, so few that we feel like doing today. 
-Mignon McLaughlin

Thursday, February 23

615a-fr egg, 2 sl GF toast, grapefruit, c reg w/ T coconut milk, supps
715a-sm apple, 5 raspberries
8a-Americano w/ SF syrup
10a-2T Sunbutter w/ T coconut flakes, s sesame crackers
12p-personal training
2p-c asparagus w/ balsamic, rotisserie chicken (2 legs, 1 thigh, 8.7 oz), supps
530p-med apple
630p-c spaghetti squash, c beefy sauce, c raspberries, supps
745p-med apple, s PB2

-Kip-like AFB pulls, pm: 4x4

Weight: 137.6 lbs, 22.7% fat. Hm...maybe that half pan of brownies is catching up to me after all? Actually I'll blame some of this on water. I do feel pretty fat today, but obviously fat doesn't happen overnight...but water can. (Doesn't mean I didn't pack on some weight over girls' weekend, though. Stupid brownies.)

Sleep: 9 hours in bed. Crawled in about 915 with one NyQuil in my system, no alarm set. Woke once and saw my Scentsy light was on, meaning it was somewhere between 415-530, and I just flipped over and fell back asleep. Woke naturally at 615...probably could've fallen back even longer but I looked at the clock and figured I'd better get moving. There's really no way to beat that! I felt good, though head cold is still here. About equal to yesterday.

Two hour nap 230-430, which felt EXCELLENT. Should've woken up to my husband but they had a ton of issues getting home: three changed tires and a DOT stop, all just today. But he made it home at supper time!

Habit: Only 3 quarts down again, this time because I was sleeping for two hours in the afternoon.

Misc: I'm all off-schedule with the eating/fasting this week due to nursing this damn cold. I'm getting more rest and extra sleep, I'm eating at maintenance and all high quality everything, and I'm UPSET because I can't focus on fat loss right now. I am an over-achieving idiot. Why not enjoy it? Why not be happy I have an excuse to eat apples all day long? Why am I not making banana ice cream? Why not be grateful for the timing, that I have the chance to kick this thing by Long Run Day? Like I just said: I am an over-achieving idiot. I want to do it all, and I mean NOW, if not yesterday. I have come to recognize (most of the time) that I can't do it all, but that doesn't mean my brain isn't screaming that I should be able to.


Today had a very happy indulgence for me:
-SCHEDULE: Thursday afternoon/eve at tax firm, Friday morning TS work from home, Friday afternoon/eve work at tax firm.
-WRENCH: Hop came home this afternoon and, as I'm sure you can imagine, he wanted to see me, because he missed me, because I'm pretty fucking awesome. And, well, I may have missed him, too, just a little.
-SOLUTION: Canceled the tax firm for tonight. Will work there all day tomorrow so I still get my time in. Burned up four of my 130+ hours of PTO at TS.

I'm not telling you it's going to be easy. I'm telling you it's going to be worth it.

Wednesday, February 22

5a-fr egg, 2oz ground pork, grapefruit, c reg w/ stevia, supps
6a-.5c reg
630a-equipment mania class
730a-oz butter toffee almonds, 2c reg
10a-T coconut flakes, 2T Sunbutter, supps
1145a(LAPW)-shell-less taco salad (iceberg, oz shrimp, 2oz chicken, salsa, pico, tomatoes, black olives), c reg
330p-oz butter toffee almonds, vanilla protein shake w/ BCAAs, supps
530p-yoga class
7p-salad w/ balsamic, 2s tilapia & onions, sm apple, mini Chick-o-Stick, supps

-Kip-like AFB pulls, am: 4, 3, 4, 3
-Kip-like AFB pulls, pm: 3x3 (awkward timing)

Weight: 137.4 lbs, 24.3% fat - crazy swing in fat calc means water is wacky which means overall weight is wacky. Ignore!

Sleep: In bed 7.25 hours, not enough, but it was solid all the way. Thanks, NyQuil!

Habit: 25% fail. Only got 3 quarts down. Two loooong meetings that effed up my typical schedule. And no desire to catch up just before bed and need a 3am b/r visit.

Misc: I got the best text ever this morning: On our way home! Aw. They'll either be home Thursday afternoon or else Friday morning, depending on whether they drive straight through. Yay!

I think I've got this cold just about licked. I felt better yesterday afternoon than I did in the morning, and I felt a TON better this morning than yesterday. Keeping up the sleep, water, & high quality nutrition (which frankly should be an everyday thing, not just a sick-day thing). I'd bet money that I feel pretty damn good tomorrow and back to normal by Friday!

At the LAPW meeting today I chatted with Jodi Meade about the mental challenge in backsliding and how difficult it can be to get back on track, maybe even more difficult than when you first did it. Even though you know exactly what to do and exactly how to do it, you waste all this fucking energy just in thinking. You think about how you've gone backward and beat yourself up for it and run full-tilt down an awful shame spiral for no good reason. (Meanwhile, you could be using that energy to re-reach that goal.) She thanked me for sharing my challenges, said that it was good to hear it wasn't just her.

Of course it's not just her! Where is our support for each other in these situations? Why don't people talk about it? Why do people brag about their achievements but keep their blunders hidden in the closet?

Share your fuck-ups, folks! Bare them to the world! NO ONE IS PERFECT.

The more you realize that everyone else is full of failures and insecurities and mistakes, the more you realize that it's okay for you to do the same.

But don't let your past be the cause for even more excuses today.

Future you deserves better than that.


More excellent questions like this can be found here.

Tuesday, February 21

615a-fried egg, 2.5sl bacon, 2 sl dark GF toast, honey mustard, sm apple, c reg w/ T coconut milk, supps
7a-c reg w/ T coconut milk
8a-Americano w/ stevia
10a-2oz pork roast, sm apple, bag snap peas, 1.5c black tea, supps
12p-personal training
2p-ground pork & tomato sauce over a biscuit, sm apple, Chick-o-Stick*, supps
6p-salad (peppers, celery, cauliflower, peas, carrots, raisins, walnuts, hb egg) w/ balsamic
730p-peppermint choco protein shake**, supps

3 apples a day keeps the doctor away, right?

*I've been craving Chick-o-Sticks for months. I think they are more popular in the South, but I finally found some at Pete's today. They are basically the innards of a Butterfinger, but of course I can't just eat a Butterfinger. Only 20 calories each, so I decided I can allow them, but only by having one per day. I'm terrible at moderation, but sometimes stringent rules work quite well. Wish me luck.

**Excellent indulgent-tasting shake: cup peppermint tea, scoop chocolate protein powder, pinch xanthum gum, dash stevia, bunch of ice cubes, and you've got nomminess!

Weight: I forgot to weigh in yet again. See "Sleep."

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, but UGH, not good. I tried to do well: I went to bed by 930, set alarm for 530. Was still awake at 1020, bit of a racing monkey mind. Got up, used b/r, and turned off the alarm; figured I'd sleep as long as I needed to. 20 minutes later I had a coughing fit, so I got up for water and Nyquil. STILL took a while to fall asleep, but once I did, it was solid. Woke at 5, debated getting up for about 3.2 seconds, rolled over, then woke again at 6 feeling semi-decent, considering. But still rather tired and groggy. And my face still hurt.

That reminds me of the classic big-brother joke from back in the day:
Brian: "Does your face hurt?"
Sabrina: "No, why?"
Brian: "Because it's killing me!!!"

In my experience, big brothers are pretty much all awful jerks from age 5-20 or thereabouts. I recommend having your daughters first. Or all boys. Surviving an older brother might make you ferociously tough, or it might leave you extremely insecure. Guess which one it did to me?
Habit: No problem!

Misc: Normal Tuesday = work at tax firm. Sick Tuesday = work at home for TS, to refrain from infecting tax coworkers. I'll make up the time there on Friday afternoon instead.

Besides candy, I also bought salad fixings at Pete's. I had been trying to save some dinero by using up my frozen veg rather than fresh, but a crunchy colorful salad is so much more satisfying & filling than a stir-fry that I don't feel deprived eating one - so I guess it's worth the money.

I caught up on my usual weekend pre-cooking by making 5s pork roast (overnight in the slow cooker Monday night), 5 salads, 8s tilapia & onions, and 5s stir fry (summer squash, daikon radish, bok choy, onion, pepper, Flavors of India spice mix). I'm feeling pretty set to get back on track nutritionally. The main key, which I know, but got lazy about: make the easy choice the healthy choice.

Whenever I don't prepare meals in advance, I increase the odds that I'm going to make higher-calorie and lower-quality food choices. Whenever I do prepare meals in advance, they're pretty much always stellar nutrient-dense options that would make the Whole9ers proud.

And this week especially I need to be doing every single thing right to kick this cold and happy up the body for a successful long run on Sunday. Train like an athlete. Eat like a nutritionist. Sleep like a baby.

Boston is just 8 weeks from yesterday. Eep!

Besides making food, I also read a bunch of Leigh Peele stuff. I'm telling you: you will never go wrong with that woman's advice.


When you plant a seed, don't continually dig up the soil to see how the roots are doing. With patience and determination, your dreams will come to fruition.
-Stephen Covey

Monday, February 20

6a-med & sm apple, Sunbutter bar, c reg w/ stevia, supps
630a-equipment-free class
730a-Americano w/ SF syrup, 2oz flavored almonds
1045a-cold drops
130p-8oz sirloin w/ Merlot sauce, sm apple
230p-med apple, hot coconut cocoa (cocoa powder, stevia, coconut milk, water), cold drops
330p-hot cocoa (w/o coconut milk), .5oz walnuts, supps
7p-ground pork w/ tomato sauce over 2 biscuits & slice dark toast, cold drops, supps

Normally I try to eat way low on Mondays. But not on sick Mondays.

-Very sore shins again. Literally hurt last night as I laid on my side. Sheesh!
-Keep forgetting to mention the back is a little bit bothersome at bedtime, has been for a good week or so. Generally just fine once I get moving and during the day; more tightness than disc pain, I would say. No real concerns, just keeping tabs.
-Left knee sore as it always is after long runs.
-Have been doing foot/ankle mobility stuff on weekdays (reminder pops up, can do them right at my desk), but forgot over the weekend.

Weight: Just plain forgot. Head cold left me pretty blanked out all morning.

Sleep: In bed 8.5 hours. Woke at 315 for b/r, took a bit to fall back asleep. Woke at about 430, fell back, alarm woke me at 450, snoozed once. Got up feeling like ass and really wanted to go back to bed. Stupid work ethic!

Habit: Was sure to hit the water today, even though all I wanted was hot cocoa!

Misc: Left work at 1030, right after a meeting finished, ran 1 errand, then home and directly to bed. Took a two hour nap, fairly solid: woke an hour in to flip over and was right back out. NICE!

Ate, booted the laptop, and played with Excel reports all afternoon. Still didn't feel awesome, full head and sore face bones all day (normal people might call this sinus pressure, I guess), but the brain functioned well enough to get a bunch of work done, at least.

And the couch sure was a good place to be with that snow blowing down. Silver lining to being sick...but it's the only damn one. I haven't had even a minor cold in ages, this pisses me right off.


Most people spend more time planning their vacations than thinking about what they want to do with their lives.
-Bob McDonald

Sunday, February 19

730a-steamed veg, 4c reg
9a-3 slices GF French toast, maple bacon & pork sausage, SF syrup, 4c reg
1030a-4 brownies, can Tab (!)
130p-leftover bacon/sausage mixture
245p-12.28m run/walk
during run-3T Justin's nut butter, 2s Ultima
530p-doubled fried egg & bacon sandwich on dark GF toast w/ honey mustard and veganaise, sm apple & T nut butter, 2c decaf  w/ stevia & coconut milk, supps

Literally couldn't stop myself from finishing the pan of brownies. Wish I had calculated the calories before I did so, although who knows, that might not have stopped me either. They were pretty fucking delicious.

DL pulls, pm: 4x4

Didn't weigh today, was at parents'.

Sleep: 5 hours, not well: went to bed at 130a, then woke hot/sweaty/gross a couple times, and mom's alarm woke me at 630...ugh! Couldn't fall back asleep. Took a 2-hour nap after I got back home, also not well...thanks to all that caffeine, I'm sure.

Habit: GOWAD! Easy on a long-run day.

Misc: Felt like shit for much of the day - dehydrated, headachey, gross. Even after the nap: GROSS. Bonus and/or contribution to how I felt: got a cold coming on. Did not have high expectations for the long run. Figured that alternating in the walking would get me the whole distance, but stupid knee bothered. Thankfully Heather was home and is a kind friend.

Got to talk to the hubster tonight, first time in over a week! And learned he will either be home on Thursday...or on Monday. Depends on whether they go race at another track after the current one. Vacationing with the boss sounds rough!

Keep the lesson, throw away the experience.
-Stephen Covey

Saturday, February 18

8a-double fried egg sandwich on dark GF toast w/ honey mustard, 2c reg, 2T coconut milk, Sunbutter bar, supps
10a-can diet Dr Wow
11a-3.31 miles w/ Lisa
12p-can diet Dr Wow
2p-sandwich (turkey, cranberry salami, romaine, mustard, Miracle Whip), peppers & cauliflower w/ hummus, fruit (pineapple, cantaloupe, blueberries), supps
3p-1-mile hike through the woods
6p-pork chop, steak, mushrooms & onions, steamed veg w/ Merlot sauce, brownie, supps
9p-1.5 brownies
1230a-1.5 brownies

Girls' weekend = extra calories, but I did quite fine except for the motherfucking brownies that I never should've made. They were delicious and I "only" had 4...but they were about 450 calories each. HOLY SHIT.

-DL pulls, am: 5x4 - smooth and easy. Buttah. Happy-making.
-No pull-up bar at the parents' house!

Weight: 136.6, 22.4% fat

Sleep: 9 hours in bed. Got to bed late at 11, up at 6 for b/r, and then fell back asleep! Slept in until 8, which was some kind of marvelous miracle.

Habit: YES!

Misc: Girls' weekend was relaxing and wonderful and bucket-filling. Yummy easy lunch, easy stroll in the woods, grilled meaty deliciousness, fun games, Dirty Dancing, Office Space, chatting, laughing. The only thing that could've improved it was a couple of absent peeps. My friends are the sweetest, smartest, hilariousest people in the world! I feel so lucky to have them.

Body was in great shape initially (the run with Lisa felt amazeballs) but after that things went rather downhill, from a digestive point of view. Something went right through me all day long, which left me feeling pretty depleted. Not good the day before a long run. Used that to help justify some of those goddamn brownies.


Secret to being happy: keep high aspirations, moderate expectations and small needs.
-William Howard Stein

Friday, February 17

6a-fr egg sandwich on light GF toast w/ honey mustard, grapefruit, c Eggnogg'n tea w/ T coconut milk, supps
10a-.5c bbq pulled pork, c steamed veg, pork rinds, supps, 2c decaf
12p-basement barbell blast
2p-head of romaine w/ tomato dressing, paleo cookie dough, can diet dr wow, supps
6p-rotisserie chicken w/ honey mustard, 2 sm "baked" apples w/ cinnamon, c decaf w/ stevia, supps
830p-chocolate protein shake w/ cocoa powder, few drops toffee stevia, xanthum gum (SO GOOD)

Yeeeeah, I was gonna fast some today. Didn't feel up to it. Didn't need to eat an entire chicken for supper either, but whatever. Gave me a bellyache and I learned my lesson and I will NOT beat myself up for it - but I won't be doing it again.

-DL pulls, am: 5x4
-DL pulls, pm: 2 and they were really hard, upper back quite fatigued, so I shut down

Weight: 136.0, 19.0% fat

Sleep: 8 hours in bed. Slept very soundly, woke a couple times but didn't get up. Woke at 5, dozed another half hour. Finally got up when I realized I wasn't going to fall back. Felt damn good!

Habit: Felt like a big ol' water balloon, but I drank my gallon!

Misc: Massive computer frustrations. Desktop died and I had to try a system restore again...didn't work. Could get in via Safe Mode, so I then spent about two hours transferring files to the laptop via my flash drive. Sucked! I don't want to go computer shopping; the very idea is exhausting. Maybe I can just stumble across another $50 laptop?

My day was very much brightened by scoring tickets to Adam Carolla in St Paul in April. On paper I really shouldn't like this guy, with his sexist & racist & libertarian rants, but I have acknowledged my 12-year-old-male sense of humor, right? I agree pretty wholeheartedly with his liberal social viewpoints (Favorite Ace line of all time: "The proper response to gays is, "'Fuck it! More pussy for me!!'") and focusing on the real problems in society. And he's about hard work, always explaining most people who appear to be lucky & "have it all" have actually worked their asses off to get where they are, and so should you. Anyone raised by my father is going to have serious worth ethic, no doubts about it.

And right now especially, I agree with Adam's viewpoint that we're turning into a country full of lazy ass wimps and that everyone acts like a fucking victim. Try preparing taxes; everyone thinks they're paying more than their fair share and that everyone else is somehow cheating the system. Anytime you hear someone ranting and raving about welfare, ask them to prove that they received no credits on their tax return. If so, THEN they can rant away. Otherwise, STFU because you're getting government assistance yourself, just in a different form!

Newsflash: anyone with kids, you're making out like a bandit. You'll be utilizing far more government services than the childless, plus you get a $1000 child tax credit per kid per year? I don't get any cat tax credit, AND I won't be using up 13 years of free school!

Anyone with a business, you could be hiding all kinds of personal shit. Hi, Mr Farmer, you REALLY need a $45,000 pickup and you ONLY use it for farming? Doesn't seem too practical with those leather seats, but what do I know?!

Anyone who's 100% honest (hi, that's me!), you're in the teeny tiny minority. I was literally told this week that I was "too honest" because I said that I report every side dollar I make. No, actually, there is no such thing as "too" honest when it comes to taxes. You either are, or you aren't. And if you aren't, you're stealing. And I will judge the fuck out of you for it. And if you are then going to be sitting in a church tsk-ing over this little atheist, you can fuck right the fuck off and take your hypocritical ass with you!

Whoa, sorry. That rant probably doesn't apply to anyone reading this post. But it's not like I can go say this to the people who need to hear it (hi, ex in-laws)!

In sum: cheating on your taxes is stealing from your neighbors. Pay your bill, and if you don't like it, just make less money. Problem solved.

There's no such thing as being a little committed.

Thursday, February 16

530a-2 fr eggs on GF dark toast* w/ honey mustard, sm apple, c decaf w/ T coconut milk, supps
630a-c Eggnogg'n tea
715a-Americano w/ SF syrup (thanks, Lisa!)
930a-.5c BBQ pulled pork, c steamed veg, sm apple, sl GF bread w/ 2T Sunbutter, supps
12p-personal training
1p-can diet cherry coke
130p-double fr egg sandwich w/ honey mustard & vegannaise, grapefruit, pork rinds, c decaf w/ T coconut milk, supps
4p-2c diet A&W
7p-c decaf red tea, supps

*OMG: gluten- and dairy-free dark bread that tastes like NORMAL BREAD and, even better, it's made in Fargo!

No supper. Easy.

-Body feels good, brain feels good! Stood at tax firm, 6 hours. (I left at 9pm and there were still 3 people there. That's crazy talk.)
-DL pulls, pm: 4x3

Weight: 135.8 lbs, 19.0% fat - back to normalcy.

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed. Up for b/r, didn't look at clock, guessing 230/3. Woke at 4 but fell back for one last sleep cycle. Got up feeling good!

Habit: easy to get a gallon in, though I made sure to finish it up at the tax firm, not wanting to down a bunch before bed.

Misc: Had to write up my annual self-review today. I have such a tendency to keep pointing out my failures. WHY IS THIS? I literally had to save for last the question, "What was your greatest victory at TS during the past year?" because I just started at it blankly the first time. I couldn't think of a fucking thing. It's not that I sucked, I actually had listed a lot of great things in the previous questions, but at that point in the review, all I could see was my rotten shitty childish "poor me" attitude from the moment Lisa told me she was expecting, and how my entire life went downhill from there.

And from a personal point of view I look at 2011 and my first thought is that it sucked because I failed in so many ways. But didn't I also win a 5k and a 10k and run a trail 25k and a trail 50k and hit my 10 pull-ups goal and become a Group Fitness Instructor and sign up for a powerlifting meet and register for Boston and run 800 miles? So why can't ANY ONE of those incredible achievements be what comes to mind first about 2011, rather than "I gained 13 lbs" or "I DNFd at Fargo" or what-the-fuck-ever?

Ugh. Stupid over-achiever brain.


Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
-Dale Carnegie

Wednesday, February 15

445a-fr egg, 2 chick saus, grapefruit, c decaf, supps
6a-c Eggnogg'n tea w/ T coconut milk
630a-equipment mania class
715a-bag sugar snap peas, Americano w/ SF syrup (thanks, Lisa!!)
945a-.5c BBQ pulled pork, c steamed veg, supps
130p-2c decaf tea
230p-microwave pork rinds, supps

Was going to fast today; felt mentally up for it, but physically debatable. Instead, I cut way down on meal sizes, then skipped supper. Provide just barely enough all-day energy, then chop the calories before bed when I won't need them. Gold star for listening to the body!

No noon run. Beautiful day, but after I realized Lisa was gone & I'd be going solo, I was pretty deflated. And my knees felt fat and stiff and so I made excuses: I did not cut back on the class workout this morning so I already got in one very solid workout; running without enthusiasm never goes well for me; I could leave by 4 if I don't run (ok, 415).

Though without yoga tonight, my brain went racing off into Perhaps I could train with Amy! Do Spartacus! Go wild! And then, I realized, I'd go home, eat my fists off, get depressed, kick off a vicious little spiral. Or maybe I'd be just fine. But it's not worth the risk. So instead, I ran errands, then went home and played with Excel stuff for Dustin. Another gold star!

-DL pulls, am: 4x4
-DL pulls, pm: 4x4
-Shins still a little sore but much improved. All else feels good. Back is totally normal. Sore hams in a'noon.
-Noticed a correlation: if I'm not doing my daily pullups, I'm generally doing poorly mentally. If I'm feeling down and weak, I fear "failing" at pullups so I just avoid them. Or when my elbow was hurting and I rested, I feared a return to them because after time off, I'd have slid backwards and would "fail" by not being where I was before. All of this is entirely stupid because NOT DOING THEM is the only true failure. If you notice I'm not doing pullups, TELL ME to get my ass going again!

Weight: 137.2 lbs, 20.9% fat - right direction. Lesson reinforced: my body does not like cashews.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed. Up at 3 for b/r but fell back fairly quickly. Woke naturally shortly after 4, got up at 430 feeling pretty well rested.

Habit: Bringing this back into practice, and starting small: one gallon of plain water per day. I recently realized I was drinking so much coffee and tea that I sometimes only drank one quart of water. Not that I'm worried about dehydration, but if I bump up the water, I will naturally decrease the other stuff. So, a return to habit focus; it worked really damn well last time!

Misc: Since I have Saturday off from the tax firm, I was feeling like I should work there Friday afternoon/eve to make up for it. I had to firmly tell myself NO, I will have plenty to do on Friday already to get prepped for girls' weekend (food shopping & prep, a visit to the parents' for a refresher on dog schedules, furnace control [wood-burning stove], etc). Which felt I should be able to make time for all of it...BUT THEN I told myself I can lift in the basement on Friday if I don't go to the tax firm. And that solidified it: decision made!!

Also, I forgot to share a nice realization during Sunday's run with Lisa: instead of focusing on how much my body comp has backslid, I can and should focus instead on how much stronger I am now. For example, being stuck at 9-10 pulls/chins once again is rather frustrating, but if I factor in that I currently weigh ~10 lbs more than I did the first time I did 10 consecutive pullups, that becomes more impressive: I'm now doing weighted chins!

Unfortunately, being who I am, my next instant thought is: "So how many could I do if I re-lost that 10 lbs?" Sometimes this is good solid motivation, sometimes it's too much negative pressure. Find the balance, right?


Heather shared this on FB yesterday and I. LOVED. IT.

But then I modified it to make it far more impactful for this is now up at my desk and in my vision file and my calendar and on my fridge and my cupboard:

The most important line of this little saying is the last one. I distinctly remember the way I felt in the moment that picture was taken, like I had conquered the motherfucking WORLD and could do any damn thing I wanted...and I want to feel that way again!

THIS is a body I can achieve. This was me and STILL is. This IS something I can do again.

Read This: Mark Sisson

8 Reasons Why You Act Against Your Own Better Judgment
We all make poor choices against our better judgment. It’s kind of what makes us human – the tendency to actively and willfully make decisions that will result in unfavorable outcomes. Sure, the candy bar tastes good, but you know you’ll feel awful after eating it. Yeah, that blog is fun to read, but you know you’d be much happier if you finished that essay for class first. And yet five minutes later, a candy bar wrapper sits, emptied of its contents; your molars house fragments of nougat and sport a caramel sheen; light nausea approaches; and you find yourself wading knee deep through comment sections, MS Word window minimized. What just happened? Why did you do those things that you told yourself you wouldn’t, that you warned yourself against, and whose negative ramifications are already coming to fruition – just as you predicted?

Read it all right here!

Tuesday, February 14

6a-fr eggs 2 chick saus, c Eggnogg'n tea w/ .5T coconut milk, supps
7a-c decaf w/ T coconut milk
730a-2c reg
10a-2oz flavored almonds, c decaf, supps
12p-personal training
1p-oz macadamia nuts, 1/4c raspberries (from my Powerbuddy!)
130p-double fried egg sandwich w/ T honey mustard, grapefruit, sm apple, few walnuts, c decaf w/ T coconut milk, supps
4p-2c diet A&W root beer (this is my big tax firm "indulgence")
5p-1.5c decaf chai tea

Higher calories before/after training, but low otherwise. Making up for yesterday's overabundance, since it would normally be a fast day. Plus, Saturday would normally be a fast-til-supper day BUT it's girls' weekend so I will be eating some delicious grub. So I'm trying to drop calories where it won't impact training or recovery. A tough call when you work out like an addict.

-Briefly had sore lower back (right side) post-training but was normal within a couple hours.
-DL pulls, eve: 3x3

Weight: 138.8, 20.5% fat - blech, come back down anytime, please!

Sleep: In bed 9 hours; took a while to fall asleep, woke at 1030 and 3 for b/r, woke naturally a bit past 5. Got up feeling pretty good!

Misc: WONDERFUL day. Very sweet teary-Sabrina-making card from Lisa. Card (featuring piglets!) & treat from Joy. Excellent training session. Massive teary-Sabrina-making hilarity on the Carolla podcast. Got to make two pals' days with good tax news. An enjoyable night at the tax firm. Having a husband at home would've been the only thing to make it better. All in all, a happy Hoppe!

Give without remembering.
Receive without forgetting.
-William Barclay

Monday, February 13

5a-c Eggnogg'n tea, supps
6a-2 turkey dogs, sm apple, few grapes, c tea w/ almond milk
630a-equipment-free class
730a-oz cocoa almond, 2c reg
930a-bbq pulled pork w/ steamed veg, med apple, 2c decaf w/ stevia, supps
1130a-recovery session
1215p-oz flavored almonds
245p-2T Sunbutter, 2T coconut flakes, supps
6p-rack o' ribs, oz brain food, hot coconut cocoa, supps

Planned to fast today, but I am feeling quite beat-up from the long run & poor sleep, so I ate. And canceled my noon run in favor of rehab-type stuff. Felt like a different woman in the afternoon! Took a long hot Epsom salt bath before bed, which felt wonderful.

-DL pulls, am: 4x3

Weight: 137.8 lbs, 21.9% fat - all kinds of fluid retention due to the run, plus a bit of unhappy digestive system.

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed, up at 330 for b/r, and choppy sleep after that. Outer shins hurt to have pressure on them, and back was a bit achey as well.  Alarm woke me and I actually hit snooze. I pretty much felt like ass, thoroughly drained, though brain was doing fine.

Misc: Part of the reason my afternoon was so much better:


Best parents EVER.

Confidence: the fuel to execute and perform.
-Howard Schultz, Starbucks CEO

Sunday, February 12

730a-fr egg, 2 sl bacon, honey mustard, 2 sl GF toast, grapefruit, Eggnogg'n protein shake, 2c reg, c tea, supps
930a-sl GF bread topped w/ a lot of bbq pulled pork, few grapes, supps
1030a-2T Sunbutter
11a-13.67m run (walking after 12)
during run-8T sweet potato butter, 2s Ultima
130p-mini Larabar
2p-sl GF bread topped w/ bbq pulled pork, sm apple, few grapes, pork rinds dipped in bbq sauce, supps
6p-2 fr eggs, 3 sl bacon, honey mustard, 2 sl GF toast, sm apple, few grapes, decaf almond milk latte, supps
630p-few bites stir fry; tasty new dessert combo: slivered almonds, raisins, & cinnamon, in almond milk; c decaf

A high-calorie day due to the long run. Felt strong & fully fueled for it!

Weight: 135.4 lbs, 21.8% fat

Sleep: 9 hours in bed. Up at 5a for b/r, back down for a couple more hours. Woke naturally about 7, but lazed about a bit. Nice!

Also took a 2-hour nap after the post-run meal. Got up feeling drained & gross; hammered the water and then found some ambition, but still pretty low-energy.

Misc: Outside shins were tender as hell post-run. Feet really puffy in the eve. Left knee again hurt on stairs but otherwise fine. Left elbow still sore, no pulls once again. Upper back tight, but I blame that on yesterday's 13 hours in front of a computer.

New technology sucks. I remembered to charge the Garmin this morning, but when I grabbed my Nano, it was 100% dead. I last used it on Sunday last week, when it still had plenty of battery life. This "always on"/sleep mode bullshit that drains them really pisses me off. I am quite fond of on/off switches, thankyouverymuch!

Hop arrived at the racetrack today and his only comment was that it was just 40F. Poor fella. Don't you feel sorry for him?


Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.

Try to be better than yourself.

-William Faulkner

Saturday, February 11

530a-c reg, supps
630a-c reg w/ stevia
730a-can diet Dr Wow
9a-can diet Dr Wow
10a-1.5c reg, supps
1130a-2c herbal tea
130p-2c herbal tea
330p-3c diet A&W
545p-3c diet A&W, supps
845p-8 ribs, 2 sl GF bread, 3oz pork tenderloin, pork rinds dipped in bbq sauce, .5c grapes, few raisins & sliced almonds in splash of almond milk, 7 GF donut holes, 2 sl GF bread w/ SF jam, supps

Fast day, until supper. In theory, lunch at the tax firm should've been tortuous: Pizza Hut pizza in the next room while I'm fasting and feeling hunger pains. But surprisingly, somehow, I was fine! Had two times throughout the day where I was legitimately hungry, but here's the thing: hunger pains disappear within 20 minutes or so.

Cravings are a different story altogether. But generally if I'm fasting, I have no cravings.

Once there's food involved, cravings can take over with a vengeance, be they physical or mental. Witness my supper feast; once I started eating, I simply couldn't stop - that looks to be a full days' worth of calories all at once. Partly also the frustration of doing 13 straight hours worth of taxes. Ugh.

I nearly went straight to bed when I got home but figured I should probably eat to fuel tomorrow's run. Still can't decide which option is worse: eat a piglet, or eat nothing.

Weight: 137.4 lbs, 20.5% fat

Sleep: In bed 8 hours. Felt fairly decent. Probably an hour before I fell asleep, only woke once or twice, woke naturally at 530. Tried to keep sleeping but couldn't.

Misc: Hop left today. I told him he was going to come back to a skinnier wife. Need to follow through!

Acne: Have another small blemish; thankfully none are cysts, but I'm still unsure what's causing them. Too much diet pop?


Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.  
- Dale Carnegie

Friday, February 10

645a-egg white omelet, 2 chick saus, clementine, c reg, supps
7a-2.5oz cashews
8a-2c reg
1030a-salad, clementine, supps
1p-2oz cashews, Cocoa Loco bar
5p-2 pieces summer sausage
630p-salad, 9 ribs, 2 sl GF bread (to mop up the delish sauce!), supps
7p-2s pepita clusters, 1/4c rice nog

Today I was originally planning to fast until supper, so I could feast on date-night ribs with abandon. But given yet another poor night's sleep, which means poor recovery, I made the decision to eat fairly normally all day, with the biggest boost at breakfast. And it definitely made a difference both physically and mentally.

Weight: 135.6 lbs, 18.9% fat - steady as she goes!

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed: went to bed at 930, did NOT set an alarm, simply wanted to get enough sleep. But I woke at about 215, wide-awake monkey mind, thinking about everything from my class to my taxes to where my husband was - apparently he had just gone to the b/r which must've woken me. With that damn monkey mind, I was probably awake for a full half hour. Ugh. Woke a couple more times, until I woke naturally at 6 and got up, feeling dehydrated and worn out. Hence the bigger breakfast.

Misc: In a recently-heard Leigh Peele audio, she talked about knowing what you want to look like, and went into a high-level explanation of the training/nutrition differences it takes to achieve various appearances. She used these two women as examples:


You know who this is.

You SHOULD know who this is:
Krista Scott-Dixon

One appearance takes pure low-level cardio (all-day shopping!) combined with undereating. In fact, Leigh's comment was that her diet is most likely a balanced mix of cocaine and Red Bull.

The other appearance requires heavy lifting & excellent nutrition, and a consistent dedication to both.

I'm sure you know which one I'd rather look like. Yes, once upon a time I thought Paris Hilton was hot. Now, I feel like I could snap her in half, and I much prefer this feeling!!

Anyway, back to my point: I don't really give a shit what people want to look like. Attractiveness is entirely subjective. Some prefer softness, some prefer hard muscle lines, it's an opinion, both are fully valid. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.

Instead, my thoughts take me along to these questions: which person is healthier? Which person feels better on a daily basis? Which person's physical capabilities would you like to have? Which person is going to live a longer, better-quality life?

Because that's the diet & training you should emulate.

Not because you want to look like Krista, but because you want to FEEL like Krista.

And the sooner you start, the sooner you'll get there.


The only trouble is that the process to get there while feeling good is generally long and slow. If you want the faster fat-loss process, you might have to spend a chunk of time feeling crappy, tired, and weaker than Paris. (Though if you're a noob, you might just feel awesome all the way through and make tremendous gains fairly easily. That was me in 2010.)

My current working process is different than what it was back then, and it's going to be different than yours which is different from hers which is different from his - there is no one-size-fits-all approach. I seem to be settling into this weekly cycle:
-I spend Monday in a pretty deep deficit, eat a bit more on Tuesday, a bit more on Wednesday, and gradually feel worse as the days go on and I'm not fully recovering from my workouts.
-I shift to eating at maintenance Thursday-Saturday, so that I return to feeling good by the time of my long run on Sunday.
-Most times my deficit is attained via fasting, rather than simply low-calorie meals.

Mentally I am doing pretty well this way, but I'm understanding all of this is a "working for now" plan. The wheels could fall off at any time, and then I'll have to modify.

The point is: you have to do what works for you. Track your food, your workouts, your sleep, your life stress, how you feel, and you'll see patterns develop. Then use that knowledge to develop strategies that will get you to your goal. If what you're doing is working, keep doing it! If it's not, try something new.

Just. Keep. Trying.

Keep your goal in front of you, keep moving forward, and you will get there.


Every thought we have leads to a choice.  
Every word we speak supports our choices we make.
Every action we take is a choice today, which has implications on our tomorrow, next week, and next year.
Nothing is impossible tomorrow when we take the time to choose, today.
Today, choose to be courageous, rather than fearful.
No matter what you face, choose clarity over confusion.
Remember to choose discipline over habit.
When things are at their worse and when you are at your lowest, choose love over hate or anger.
Choices cause a mighty vibration which in effect brings back to us more of what we give out.
-Iyanla Vanzant

Read This: Amy Wattles

I love the weekly email I get from elitefts; tons of excellent articles on that site!

This particular one hit home for me. The author uses the story of her daughter doing poorly in a spelling bee (I was in multiple bees and my best place was 3rd), to emphasize how we all must learn how to deal with failure despite doing your best. Sound familiar?

Life Lessons: Hard Work, Failure and Shame - read it right here.

And it has a bonus picture of a super cute girl doing a deadlift. Go read it now!

Thursday, February 9

5a-2 fr eggs, 2.5 sl bacon, 2 sl GF toast, sl egg bake, c reg, supps
630a-2 sl cinnamon swirl eggy bread, almond milk latte
730a-Americano w/ SF syrup
930a-salad w/ hb egg, oz flavored almonds, protein treat*, 4 GF choco donut holes, 2c decaf, supps
12p-personal training
130p-BLT sandwich, 1/3c grapes, 1/3c bread & butter pickle slices, bag micro pork rinds, 2oz cashews, 2c decaf, .25c almond milk, supps
330p-2c diet A&W
530p-2oz cashews, 2c diet A&W
645p-.5oz butter toffee almonds
715p-2c red tea, supps

*We had a team treat for collecting >50 lbs for the protein drive - and I didn't make them!
Recipe & notes from coworker:
-2 scoops cocoa whey protein powder (or vanilla whey + 2 T cocoa powder)
-2 tablespoons flax seed
-2 cups crunchy peanut butter
-2 mashed ripe bananas
Mix together and roll into balls and freeze. But they were too sticky to roll, so I refrigerated. I couldn’t wait long enough for the mixture to get firm so I put them in the mini-cupcakes liners and then froze. Still sticky!

My tip: the texture is a bit thinner than nut butter, so I'd modify with less banana, possibly less nut butter. Of course, I'd use crunchy Sunbutter rather than PB. And if they get to "ball-rolling" texture, I'd probably roll them in coconut flakes. But most importantly, I'd make a much smaller batch unless I'm sharing with others, because this entire recipe could go down the hatch with a spoon in about 3.4 minutes, EASILY.

-Tiny bit of lower left back pain (where the bad pain was) in eve. Not enough to be concerning, just want to note it. Got better once I started moving more.
-Just plain forgot pulls in eve, elbow was feeling fine.

Weight: 136.0 lbs, 20.3% fat - after breakfast, so again about even.

Sleep: 7 hours in bed. Took a bit longer than usual to fall asleep, up at 215 for b/r, woke several times w/ numb hands, woke naturally at 453, alarm set for 5. It's starting to catch up to me, feeling a bit mentally worn down, so I boosted calories some in the morning.

A victory: in this state, about 830am, I actually observed my thoughts going from

"I'm tired. I don't want to be here today. I don't want to go to the tax firm tonight. I want to train with Dustin, then take a nap, and not leave home until tomorrow."


"Well, that's not possible. I'm just going to be tired today, so I have to suck it up and find some energy before Dustin."


"So maybe I should eat more. What would be good? A Cocoa Loco bar [carbs] or Sunbutter & coconut flakes [fat] or another coffee [caffeine]?"

BUT THEN (here's the victory part)

"No, dammit, I don't need any of that. I already boosted breakfast calories. I need to drink my water, knock out something on my to-do list, and then BAM it'll be time for that salad (which is full of vitamins and minerals and nutrients) plus I can add some almonds & donut holes, and that'll give me plenty of energy in time for training. And then I get a nice big meal to recover from training, and after that, the tax firm will be fun. Just need to get my ass to work and I'll be fine."

And, for the most part, I was. Still a bit cranky due to work, but training fixed that as usual, and I had a nice big lunch and felt both physically & mentally boosted from it. Success!

Misc: Acne note: two small blemishes (not cysts) developed on chin yesterday. In looking back over the past few days, I had to go to Sunday to find something new, and that was rice grits. One ingredient: organic brown rice grits. Processed differently than the rice sources I've been tolerating, I guess, but less processed; however, Robb Wolf prefers white rice over brown (though still very sparingly) because most of the anti-nutrients have been removed through processing. So perhaps no more brown rice? I will have to test this again. I'm also still sitting on a container of cottage cheese to test. I so badly want to be able to eat CC again!


Have compassion for everyone you meet,
even if they don't want it. What seems conceit,
bad manners, or cynicism, is always a sign
of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.
You do not know what wars are going on
down there where the spirit meets the bone.
-Miller Williams

I read this poem at breakfast, and it was like a soft hug and a sharp slap at the same time. I am one of those saps who always feels for the poor, the downtrodden, the struggling, the weak & helpless, and always wants to help - and feels guilty if I can't. Bleeding heart liberal, to a "t," right here. Compassion for others is an innate piece of who I am. I can forgive almost anything, except pure arrogance (hi, ex in-laws - this is why you will never be welcome in my life again).

As I thought about the above, how I am perhaps compassionate to a fault at times or with certain people, I realized am grateful that I lean toward that end of the spectrum - but I also felt a sharp slap as I reflected on my lack of compassion for myself.

I do know about my own internal wars. I know every fucking detail of every brutal battle and every painful scar - and yet my innate tendency is to cut myself zero slack.


Aren't I Wonder Woman, after all?

Shouldn't I be capable of accomplishing every single thing I attempt?

Shouldn't I be perfect?

Fortunately, I am recognizing this flawed line of thinking more and more often, and I'm working on it. Is everyone this hard on themselves?

Wednesday, February 8

530a-c reg, supps
6a-almond milk latte, 2 sl egg bake
630a-equipment mania class (took it easy) (during: BCAAs)
730a-sm banana
8a-2c reg, 1 Reese's Pieces...Reese's Piece? (stole from hubster's cookie)
10a-3oz roast beef w/ 1.5 roasted greens, tiny clementine, 2c decaf, supps
12p-3.74m run w/ Lisa
115p-blueberry, teensy bit of coconut milk (a tasty sample from Joy!)
145p-oz flavored almonds, s pepita clusters, cocoa loco bar, supps
530p-yoga class
7p(restaurant)-cobb salad w/ balsamic vinaigrette, 3c decaf (no supps)

-Supplement note: added Super Cortisol Support today.
-No soreness today compared to feeling pretty beatdown last Wed - no swings yesterday compared to swings last Tues. Same bit of poor sleep the prior night but was also in a much better mental state this week than last.

-No am pull ups, left elbow was a bit sketchy when doing them last night. Look at me, stopping myself without waiting to be told this by Dustin. Gold star!

Weight: 135.6 lbs, 19.8% fat - even.

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed. Got to bed a bit late, so I slept in a bit (saved time by eating cold egg bake on the run). Took a while to fall asleep, and woke several times with numb hands; apparently I keep sleeping on my elbow. Woke at 4, fell back or dozed at least, until 452 (alarm set for 5). So thanks to that, I got up feeling good, but concerned this is going to beat me up soon if I don't get a good long night in!

Misc: Had a great supper out with Amy...ended up talking for about 2 hours, before realizing holy SHIT it's 830, I need to get home! Went to bed an hour late, but catching up with a good friend was so worth it.

On Saturday, Hop is leaving for Florida for two weeks. (Lucky bastard.) So he suggested we go out for ribs Friday night...yes, the man knows the way to my heart. But since he's going to be doing his usual last-minute packing, and I've actually gone out to eat a LOT lately ($$), and restaurant eating is sometimes a nerve-racking* experience due to my allergies, we came up with a better solution: ribs at home, from the locker in Villard. This will be half the price of going out, assure me that I'm not eating anything I shouldn't, and give him more time to get his stuff packed. Win win win!

*I had to google whether it was racking or wracking. Turns out there's plenty of confusion.

Small victory of the day: counting out my almonds & pepitas for meal 3, I had grabbed 2 extra pepita clusters (s=6) and started to close the bag to put away...but then I stopped, said, "No, that's more than one serving," and put those 2 back in the bag. It's a tiny thing, it's like 50 calories, it's borderline obsessive...but if you do that over and over and over, those calories can really add up fast!

Leigh Peele had a story of a client who wasn't losing weight, was tracking everything, doing everything right, but after some digging they discovered she was consuming an extra 400 calories a day in Splenda (no it's not entirely calorie-free: 1 gram = 1 packet = 4 calories), 100 calories in cooking spray, 100 calories in butter spray = 600 calories PER DAY that hadn't been accounted for. In a week, that's 1.2 lbs pound of fat!

We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we knew how little they did.
-Olin Miller

Tip Jar

Here's a whole bunch of assorted nutrition tips! In the interest of saving time, I did only minimal editing from prior posts, so bear with me. It's tax season, yo.

*I* found a bunch of good tips just re-reading my own stuff (man, this chick is smart...oh, wait!) so I can almost guarantee you'll find a nugget or we go:

If it's not in your house, you can't eat it. Get rid of the crap.
Alcohol: all calories, no nutrition, your body doesn't need it. Cut it out.
Reduce carbs by adding protein.

Your cells don't just need calories, they also need nutrition: vitamins, minerals, amino acids. So don't stuff yourself with plain chicken and broccoli every meal, nor eat your daily allotment of calories in junk food. Eat a wide variety of healthy stuff to keep your body happy.

Try intermittent fasting. I used to eat 6 meals a day and thought I’d die without food every 2-3 hours. Now I’m down to 4 at most, often 3, and sometimes 1. Or none. And I'm FINE.

I devised a strategy to combat my addiction to delicious flavored almonds that I can’t stop eating: they have been removed from my desk. I kept one "emergency" ounce, but all of the rest are in "my" fridge drawer in the break I can eat them if I want to, but I have to be hungry, not just snacky, to make the trip to get them.

When you find yourself addicted to some tasty snack, here’s a strategy: I designated today as nut-free, simply to log one full day to break free from the addiction. Just can’t have ‘em. Maybe tomorrow, when I have control again. 

Make a ton of food on Sunday so you have a bunch of meals ready to go all week long: chop veggies to make salads; egg bake; put meat & veg in the slow cooker (you can do several of these over a weekend!); make a tasty time-consuming soup that you'd never make during the week; healthy breakfast sausage; stir fry.

French toast: bread & egg & cinnamon. Top w/ SF syrup. Tastes like dessert but ain't much different than a fried egg & toast!

Cottage cheese = low-calorie, high-protein, super functional and delicious food. I miss it like crazy.

You can't go wrong with seafood, unless you drown it in butter. You don't need that much butter, my friend.

Balsamic vinegar is good on salads, meats, roasted/steamed veg, damn near anything.

An EXCELLENT dieter's meal: 3c spaghetti squash + .5 sauce = 216 calories. That's a whopping 537 calories fewer than you'd have with three cups of pasta noodles. While it's not exactly the same texture/flavor as pasta, it's very filling, it's delicious, and it doesn't feel the least bit restrictive! (Unless perhaps you are seriously craving that case, your cravings might hang 'round.) You could probably cut even more calories if you have a homemade sauce; I had Prego.

Give yourself a deadline (4-6 weeks) so you can keep your eyes on the prize. Last night at Elden's I looked at the cookies and in the moment when I'd normally feel deprived, I told myself that I've only got two more weeks of dieting and THEN I have a maintenance week where I can eat some junk. And I did not feel deprived! 

Give yourself a weekly meal that's an all-out splurge (Saturday date night?) and a mid-week meal that's semi-indulgent as well. It's called a re-feed, and it keeps your hormones AND brain happy.

Really helpful for fat loss? Sleep. Lots and lots of sweet, blessed sleep.

When you're feeling snacky as all get-out leaving the grocery store, put the groceries in the can reach the backseat.

I made s'mores-in-a-bag & bagged Goldfish to sell at the Relay for Life fundraiser. To avoid snacking as I made these things, I promised myself I could have some. When I came down to the last scoop in the bowl, which was only about 1/3 of a serving, I bagged that up to eat post-workout. That way I didn't feel deprived as I worked, since I knew I could have some eventually, AND I guarantee that I would have eaten far more if I'd grazed as I went along!

Sugar-free Jello pudding mix is a very tasty (and very low-calorie) addition to protein shakes. I used butterscotch, and it was like dessert!

Mix your canned tuna or chicken with mustard, not mayo. 

I should do my best to avoid evening cooking in general, instead sticking to Sundays whenever I can. This would reduce time in the kitchen, and less time around food should help reduce the bingey and snacky urges.

Remember your weak points when grocery shopping! Honey roasted cashews are. absolutely. incredible. I am using them in Thursday night's banana ice cream, so I only bought a tiny bit from the bulk bin. This is the sort of thing I can't keep stocked in my house, because I am pretty sure I could eat my bodyweight in them.

Egg-white omelets are super filling. For this one, I had some leftover chicken broth in the pan from the prior night's stir-fry. This added loads of extra flavor with virtually no calories!

Experimented with what I called “dieter’s kettle corn.” I measured out .5oz popcorn & popped it in a nonstick pot with no oil. That worked! But without oil in which to melt the Truvia, all I could do was sprinkle it on afterward w/ the salt...and thus, most of it was in the bottom of the bowl. So, it was mostly a fail as far as true kettle corn taste, but it was totally edible. Maybe you could spray it with some Pam to get sweetener or salt to stick?

Tonight is a work party, featuring a menu of things I can't eat. I called them yesterday and requested a plain chicken breast, no soy, no dairy, no nothing. They were more than willing to accommodate! Between that and the dressing-less plain salad, I've got a sufficient supper. Then I'm bringing along my own balsamic, plus almonds & grapes, so I don't feel deprived watching everyone else dive into potatoes, bread, and cupcakes.

Make some freaking stir-fry already! Skip the unnecessary oil in favor of natural waters & juices of the foods you're using. Chicken or seafood, and tons of greens, and assorted spices, you’ve got an easy, healthy meal or two or three.  

There are healthy recipes all over the place. Find a better alternative to your old sugar- and oil-filled favorites.

Make a list of the things you enjoy in life (big or small) and how often you indulge in them. Add more time for these positive things! Even if it's just 10 minutes of quiet time to read, or walk, or sip your morning coffee while petting your cat. If we do not indulge in these enjoyable things, that's when we tend to binge.

Don't focus on removing negatives. Focus on adding positives habits that will eventually "crowd out" the negatives. Focus on drinking lots of water and eating more healthy vegetables & fruits at every meal or snack; don't worry about removing your wine or chips. Focus on adding positives.

Experiment with new recipes & foods; shop the organic vegetables, buy fresh herbs, visit your local farmer's market. Try something new.

Daily habits add up. The best metaphor: it's like pulling a weed or two every single day. Another metaphor: think about how much work it is to start pedaling a bike…but once you’ve pedaled enough to build up some momentum, you aren’t working as hard, but you’re moving even faster. Every effort builds on the last and brings you closer to your goal.

Dish out your food; never ever ever eat from the package. Extra especially important if you eat while reading, watching TV, internetting, etc. When multi-tasking, you're almost guaranteed to eat everything in front of you. Make sure what's in front of you is one reasonable serving.

Don't keep going back for more at a buffet. Literally take everything you think you'll eat. This in-your-face display will make you think twice about the quantity you're eating.

Restaurants can KILL your fat loss plans. A good strategy: look at the menu's nutrition ahead of time, so you can clearly see the calories and decide what may be worth indulging in, and what's definitely not.

When stress is high, give yourself as much sleep as you possibly can. You are probably really busy and don't think you can add any more time, right? But even half an hour can make a big, big difference. Watch less TV; get your ass off Facebook; lower the cleanliness standards for your house (or hire someone to come in once a month to get the "deep clean" stuff); dial back a little bit on your social life (but don't ignore all your friends); pre-make food over the weekend to save time on weekdays...lots of options. Quality sleep during a high-stress time can make all the difference for your mental and physical health.

When going low-carb and/or low-calorie, fruit might be limited. One trick to doing this and making it easy for your brain is to purchase small fruit: select small apples, tiny tangerines, small bananas, grapes, etc. Or for root vegetables: baby potatoes, small yams, etc. If you are still eating bread, get the 45-calorie bread that is simply cut with thinner slices, or mini bagels rather than the giant ones. You eliminate the feeling of deprivation because your brain will receive the same satisfaction as a full-size serving, without it actually being a full serving. GENIUS!

And finally, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?

If it's got a label, you probably shouldn't be eating it.

If anything here helps you out, feed my ego and let me know! 

Or if you have questions, please ask. I'd love to be your helper monkey!

Wait, this is a bad example.

That's more like it.
Drop the cupcake, NOW!!

Tuesday, February 7

515a-2 fr eggs, 2.5 sl bacon, sl eggy bread, c reg, supps
615a-almond milk latte
645a-2c reg w/ stevia, 2 almonds, 1 pepita cluster
845a-2c decaf w/ stevia
930a-oz flavored almonds, s pepita clusters, 4 chocolate donut holes, supps
12p-personal training
230p-5oz tuna, s sesame crackers, cocoa loco bar, supps
630p-protein shake, oz mixed nuts, salad w/ balsamic, 3c decaf tea, .5T honey, supps

-Glutes a bit sore...SL hip thrusts, I'm guessing. Totally worth it: hello big glute muscles, goodbye pancake ass!
-DL pulls, pm: 4x4

Weight: 135.4 lbs, 21.7% fat - down 1.6 from yesterday, and down .2lbs from a week ago (so basically even).

Sleep: 7.5 hours in bed. Didn't sleep too well; took forever to fall asleep thanks to the late nap, up at 1215 for b/r, woke often after that, usually due to numb hands. Annoying! Felt good despite this, because: woke up at 428 - alarm set for 430.

Misc: Have decided that while I'm not in the NSS Transformation, I can give advice and maybe even be a role model, lead by example. Emailing with Timmy this morning, I gave her a bunch of tips and found myself babbling non-stop. Focus on protein and reduce carbs, weekend food prep (salads! slow cooker! egg bake! divide out single-serving snacks!), cottage cheese, big weekend splurge meal, mid-week small splurge meal/snack, restaurant eating (chef salad, no cheese, vinaigrette on the side), I am a FONT of healthy-eating tips, most of which are buried in this blog. I decided to cobble them together into one nice long post, as they are currently all over the place!

Can you walk your talk?
-Stephen Covey