November 2

445a-fr egg, chick saus, c reg, Met, fish oil, multi
6a-c reg, stevia
8a-2c decaf
930a-egg bake, 2c decaf
1215p-salad w/ chicken, multi, krill oil, med apple, 2c decaf
330p-egg bake, 2c decaf
630p(PWO)-.5oz kettle corn*
7p-¼ chicken, c squash, fish oil, multi, Met, reds, yeast, protein apples (yes, better with less powder), NC
9p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 1574 cal, 49g fat (13 sat), 158g carbs (41 fiber), 132g protein

*Angie's Kettle Corn made snack-size bags for Halloween, cute little half-ounce bags. Two handfuls of popcorn is not all that filling as a snack, but if you are mostly operating in craving mode, it works pretty damn well. In fact, I have to return to Target tonight, and am hoping to find another sack of them.

Picture me staring at a bag of kettle corn and longing to eat it. If I cave, as we all know, I eat the entire bag. This way I can cave and eat an entire bag for 70 calories, not 1050. Even if that tiny snack bag didn't fill the craving, how likely am I to stand there and open bag after bag to stuff myself? I've done some shameful things in binge mode, but I don't think this would be one of them. It's a built-in restrictor plate. Speed bumps. Choose your own metaphor here. Think about your own triggers for a bit, and strategize how you can work around them as well!

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Habit: still kicking ass at this. I had a few moments yesterday, wearing my snug dress, that the image in the mirror was all focused on my belly area. But if I just stood up with perfect posture, that belly almost totally disappeared...so how big can it really be, right? It still ain't where I want it, but it's just not that bad.

Perspective.

If this serves only to dilute my belly hate, well, holy fucking shit that's leaps and bounds of progress for this girl's brain. I obsess about my belly fat like a dog who nabbed a T-bone off the counter. If that obsession is simply mitigated by even 50%, which sounds tiny, like nothing, I know; but I'm telling you, it will do amazing things for my quality of life and feelings of self-esteem and self-worth and allathat.

I hope your own habit experiment can do the same.

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And now I want to share some ridiculous back-and-forth thinking that I spewed to Joy yesterday, regarding the NSS powerlifting meet coming in January. It may help illustrate that you are not alone in your insidious levels of self-doubt. Or might just be a chance for me to highlight one of my top issues:

When Dustin mentioned the meet, I said it depended on when it was, and back then it was possibly going to be on December 10th, day of my 5k at St Ben’s. But mostly I was standing there thinking, “I haven’t BB deadlifted in over a year, haven’t back squatted in 6 months (not sure actually, feels like about that many months though), and have never benched!!” and I don’t think he’s brought it up since then. I started a new cycle last week, and I did BB DLs last Thursday (without massive bruising!), but that’s it.

I’ll confess that I’ve been afraid to even ask what Dustin is thinking. Part of me says I’m going to suck at it all so why bother (obviously I don’t know whether I would kick ass or suck ass, but in my brain, no knowledge + no innate ability = no confidence → I’d suck) – part of me says that my focus right now is eating for fat loss, and if I try to add something like this, will it be too much stress and cause some kind of crash, mental or physical or both – part of me says why the fuck not at least train for it and see what happens – I have many parts – I think that’s all of them. No wait: all parts of me definitely want to come see it even if I’m not in it! Curious George.


As I think about it more today, I'm focusing in on the part that says: "Why the fuck not at least train for it and see what happens?"

And you know what my answer is? No surprises here: it's fear. Fear of failure. More appropriately: fear of "failure." Fear of finding out that I do suck at those lifts compared to everyone else, and have to accept that others will always be better than me at them.

Never mind that I am still awesome at running or pullups or trapbar deadlifts or, Jesus Aitch Christ, the fact that even if I were dead fucking last compared to every other person there, I would still be doing fucking phenomenal for me. How is that failure? For a "chubby girl in the corner with a book" all her life, I sure do expect ridiculous things from my body.

I have realized that what I'm waiting for is for Dustin to tell me I should do it because I will be good at it. Never mind whether it will be a fun experience or a new challenge for both the body & brain, or help with my other wellness goals or any of that nonsense! I need to be reassured that I won't suck, and therefore it's worth doing.

And I'm like this with everything. It's the reason I have zero interest in any activities besides lifting & running. I am uncoordinated so I suck at team sports & anything choreographed, I am a terrible swimmer, etc. (This is 100% honesty, not self-deprecation, truly.) But while I might be able to improve my skills, I don't want to bother because I'll never be more than "okay" at these things, so automatically they aren't fun for me. I don't find enjoyment in things I don't excel at! A clear example where being an Perfectionist can be a massive weakness.

Anyway. I just wanted to share, help you to realize that the vast majority of us are full of fears & self-doubt. I should end this with something like "that doesn't mean you don't swallow those fears, go forth and kick ass, or at least try things that scare the shit out of you" - and declare that I'm doing this meet, but I can't tie this up in a bow for you. I'm still in "fear of failure" mode myself.

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