November 29

530a-chick saus, beets, egg white omelet, slice GF toast w/ T apple butter, 2c reg, Met, CLA, calcium, fish oil, multi
645a-2c green tea
8a-2c decaf
11a-12oz (!) tuna, 2T mustard, 2 sl GF bread, small apple, CLA, calcium, fish oil, multi
245p-bag apple chips, trail mix bar, CLA, calcium, fish oil, multi
7p-2c Yogi bedtime tea
8p-Met, reds, yeast, guar gum, CLA, calcium, fish oil, multi, Carnosine, ACL
9p-NC, 5HTP

Totals: 1553 cal, 27g fat (10 sat), 180g carbs (31 fiber), 139g protein

Back to serious dieting!

This week's goal is to average 1650 calories, even while celebrating my 10-year [dating] anniversary on Thursday by going out to supper Saturday AND having a birthday meal with my long lost pal Amy.

This can will accomplished with the following plan:
-Tue 1450 cal
-Wed 1450 cal
-Thu 1850 cal
-Fri 250 cal (fast day)
-Sat 2650 cal
-Sun 2250 cal
-Mon 1450 cal
=1621 calorie average.

Love me the flexibility provided by a fast day! Sat & Sun have a ton of calories available, so I can eat out without being super strict, and fuel a powerlifting workout and a nice long run as well.

But as you can see, I already exceeded Tuesday's calories by 100, and I'm planning to do the same today - because I'm running on two nights of too-little sleep. And that makes the projected average 1654 - right on target!

November 28

5a-fr egg, chick saus, c sweet potatoes, c reg, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
6a-c reg, stevia
8a-c reg, c decaf
9a-2c decaf, flavor drops
10a-5oz tuna, 2T mustard, s crackers, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium
 3p-salad, 4 stuffed clams, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium
 7p-20oz SoBe LifeWater, 2c decaf w/ SF syrup
10p-2 turkey dogs, sl GF bread, 2T ketchup, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine, NC, 5HTP

Totals: 1398 cal, 43g fat (12 sat), 154g carbs (22 fiber), 93g protein

Week in review:
- Average intake: 2629cal, 122g fat (33 sat) 42%, 235g carbs (37 fiber) 36%, 150g protein 23%
- Up 66%, 1050 cal avg, 7351 total, from last week
- Burned 2932, down 21 from last week

My weigh-in this morning was another water-loggged one, and it made me laugh:
+4.4 lbs
-1.8% fat
-1.6 lbs fat
+ 6 lbs lean mass
+4.6 lbs water

That's what 4 straight high-carb days will do to you. So this week's weigh-in is basically pointless, other than to gain perspective. After a weeklong return to normalcy, THEN I'll have numbers with a reasonable level of accuracy. Until then, I just have to accept that my pull-ups & chin-ups will suffer since they are weighted!

Went to the Cities and picked up a new toy last night: squat rack, barbells, 400# weights. Forget about paying for the Y when free passes run out...I can now lift in my own basement!

Habit: I forgot to drink any tea most days of my Thanksbirthdaycation, but I'm now back on track! Also, I absolutely attribute my first habit efforts for my ability to maintain perspective all weekend, being able to think "This bloat is temporary, it will disappear soon" and not dwelling on my stomach at all. That's huge.

Acne update: tested evaporated milk last week with the pumpkin pie/custard. I do seem to have two blemishes coming through, but one started Wednesday night (too soon for the milk to be blamed), and one surfaced just yesterday...which seems like quite a delay, so I'm not really sure what to blame for either one!

Victory: two straight binge-free weeks. Yeah!!

November 27

And Thanksbirthdaycation comes to a close with one final day of indulgences...

730a-3oz Paleonola, 2c reg
8a-3 scrambled eggs, 2 sausage links, 4 sl bacon, sl ham, .5c potatoes, 2 cubes watermelon, slice pineapple, 2 cubes honeydew, 2 cubes cantaloupe, 2c reg, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
9a-2c reg
1p-1/4 pumpkin pie, salad of romaine, carrots, celery, Reese’s Pieces cookie, pint Arctic Zero, 2c decaf, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
8p-stuffed clam, 3oz pork chop, .5c sweet potatoes, 2 GF pb cookies, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine
9p-4 FiberSmart

Totals: 2823 cal, 152g fat (46 sat), 261g carbs (36 fiber), 127g protein

It was a good run. I got in everything I'd been craving, enjoyed every bite, and have zero guilt or regret. The weekend's calories fueled a 5k win, a kickass lifting workout, and my brain.

And now, it's time for 3 solid hardcore weeks until the 4-week cycle + all the family Xmas gatherings demand that I indulge again!

November 26

Thanksbirthdaycation weekend continues with an impressive tally...

630a-2c reg, Sunbutter crunch bar; 8a-3-egg omelet w/ veg & meat, hash browns, 2c reg, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
1130a(PWO)-Paleonola, pistachios
1230p-12 bbq wings, fries, 1.5c decaf, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
5p-oz pistachios
7p-3 breadsticks (Daiya cheese, wheat crust), pizza w/ canadian bacon, pineapple, green olive, Daiya cheese & GF crust*
9p-greens, yeast, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine

Totals: 3764 cal, 217g fat (49 sat), 300g carbs (36 fiber), 168g protein

*I've been waiting to return to this pizza place since the Fargo Marathon. And it was every bit as delicious as I was anticipating!!

November 25

And Friday transitioned into Thanksbirthdaycation weekend...

6a-1/4 pumpkin pie, 6oz bacon-wrapped pork tenderloins, .25c sweet potatoes, 2c reg, stevia, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
9a-3oz Paleonola, 2c decaf, stevia, carrots, hummus
1p-Creole tilapia, roasted zucchini, spaghetti squash, 2c decaf, supps
430p-2c green tea, 2oz Paleonola, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
730p-pulled pork, 4 ribs, cole slaw, fries, 2c decaf

Totals: 3116 cal, 164g fat (43 sat), 230g carbs (30 fiber), 140g protein

November 24

6a-fr egg, chick saus, 2 sl bread, 6 GF donut holes, half pumpkin custard, 4oz Paleonola, 2c reg, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
9a(PWO)-4c reg, oz SF syrup, 12 Jamie Eason cookies
1p-20oz SoBe LifeWater, 5oz deep-fried turkey, baked potato, T brown gravy, .5c sweet corn, 3T cranberries, 3.25oz jerky
3p-20oz SoBe
4p-10 baby carrots, .5c cauliflower, 8 dill pickles
6p-Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
7p-3oz turkey, 3oz ham, romaine w/ carrots, celery
8p-1/4 pumpkin pie, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine
Totals: 3198 cal, 133g fat (37 sat), 321g carbs (51 fiber), 197g protein

Yes, I wrote everything down, but I was not moderating - I ate whatever the fuck I wanted to eat. Happy THANKSBIRTHDAY to me!

I wasn't expecting it to be this much, but in addition to my [planned] giant holiday meals, I also overate at breakfast. Pre-race nerves, I guess. But perhaps that was the secret to being the overall female winner in the Turkey Day 5k!

On my way home from the race, I literally started crying. I won a 5k, on my birthday.

Felt so lucky since I didn’t really train, so grateful that the “right” competition showed up, and I guess I just plain still have gaps of reconciling who I am versus who I used to be. Funny how many people were very moderated in congratulating me, or didn't seem fazed that I won. Meanwhile, me, my husband, my parents - all over-the-moon impressed. Because they know where I came from and see how massive this is for me to achieve!

Fun anecdote: lunch was at my brother's, where dessert was pumpkin pie that I couldn't eat. Instead, my brother gave me a bag of teriyaki beef jerky. That fucking ruled.

I don't think anything could have made this birthday better!

November 23

430a-2 fr eggs, chick saus, 2 sl GF toast, 4 GF donut holes, 2c reg, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
6a-2c decaf, stevia
8a-2c decaf
12p-4.5oz chicken, 2c romaine, 4T fresh salsa, 1/4c black olives, 3c reg
1p-2.6oz apple chips, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
4p-5oz tuna, 2T mustard, s sesame crackers, 2c chai tea, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
7p-3oz bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, med apple, 2T SF caramel, 6 GF donut holes, c hot cocoa, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine, Met, reds, yeast
830p-pumpkin custard

Totals: 2064 cal, 68g fat (27 sat), 212g carbs (39g fiber), 152g protein

Had planned only 3 meals for today, was going to skip supper in anticipation of tomorrow's high calories. But I spent the day feeling a bit tired, hams quite tight. Made sure to drink a ton of water and added calories so that I am in tip-top shape for my birthday 5k in the morning!

Here’s a super amazing thing: my skin is VERY clear lately, I wore hardly any foundation today. I couldn't tell you the last time I didn't wear full-fledged foundation out in public (besides a run). It's a wonderful, incredible feeling.

And on that note, time to test and see if I ruin the lovely skin. Right now I've got pumpkin pie baking, which contains evaporated milk. If I simply re-confirm the dairy reaction, well, at least I'll be enjoying some delicious birthday pumpkin pie in the meantime!

...and I ate 1/4 of this pumpkin pie just before bedtime. Oops!

November 22

5a-2 fr eggs, 2s chick saus, 2c reg, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
6a-2c decaf, stevia; 8a-2c decaf; 9a-2c reg, stevia
10a-3oz bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, c cooked cabbage, 2c decaf, stevia
11a-5 GF chocolate donut holes, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
430p-cinnamon apple spice decaf tea (pure deliciousness - thanks, Joy!!)
6p-salad, chicken soup, cinnamon apple spice decaf tea, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine, Met, greens, yeast, guar gum, pint Arctic Zero
7p-s Sunbutter, T apple butter, 2 sl GF bread, 2c decaf
830p-NC, 5HTP

Totals: 1906 cal, 73g fat,(19 sat), 147g carbs (40 fiber), 163g protein

Meetings from 2-430 meant I couldn’t get my 3rd meal, so I just skipped it, and FELT FINE. Then I overate at supper in order to get my calories back up to plan. Normally I'd have taken a bonus low day, but I want maximum recovery after today's training so that I'm ready to kick ass in my birthday 5k!

Habit: tea intake has been consistent and easy. And today my tea queen buddy Joy inter-officed me a bundle of teas so I'm all set to find some tasty brews!

November 21

5a-beets & egg whites, chick saus, 2 sl GF bread, 2c reg, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
6a-2c pumpkin spice tea
730a-SF Americano
10a-3oz pork chop, .75c sweet potatoes, .25c apples, 6 almonds, 2c decaf, stevia, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
330p-5oz tuna, 2T mustard, sesame crackers, med apple, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
630p-c Brussels sprouts, c cooked cabage, 3.6oz roast beef, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine, Met, reds, yeast, guar gum
8p-NC, 5HTP

Totals:1803 cal, 53g fat (14 sat), 184g carbs (37 fiber), 140g protein

Perfectly on plan!

Weekly numbers:
-Averaged 1585 cal, 42g fat (14 sat) 24%, 176g carbs (36 fiber) 44%, 120g protein 30%
-Down 12%, 224 cal avg, 1566 total, from last week
-Lowest average in nearly three years!
-Total burned 2953, down 61 from last week
-2011 avg YTD: 2011 cal, 86g fat (18 sat), 189g carbs (33 fiber), 127g protein

November 20

6a-fr egg, chick saus, 2 sl toast, c reg, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
730a-c decaf chai tea
1045a-3oz bacon-wrapped pork loin, bag apple chips, oz jerky, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
5p-salad, 4oz pork chop, .75c sweet potatoes, .25c apples, sm apple, T SF caramel dip, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine, Met, yeast, reds, c Arctic Zero
8p-NC, 5HTP

Totals: 1657 cal, 43g fat (15 sat), 191g carbs (41 fiber), 127g protein

Stayed quite a bit under my planned calories (2300, I think it was). Granted, I was busy at training all morning, and took a 2-hour nap in the afternoon, but I never felt snacky or deprived. Kick ass!

Read This: Matt Lentzner

Interesting read about how food can be two of these three things: easy, fast, or healthy.

  1. cheap and healthy, but not fast
  2. fast and healthy, but not cheap
  3. fast and cheap, but not healthy


http://robbwolf.com/2011/11/16/meal-management-theory/

If you find the rare food that is all three, eat it up - and tell me about it!!

November 19

5a-egg whites & beets, chick saus, small apple, 2T caramel dip, 2c reg, Met, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
630a-2c decaf, stevia
10a-bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, sm apple, bag apple chips, 2c reg, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
330p-Bayou Bourbon meatloaf, squash pancakes, SF syrup, c carrots, 4T hummus, 2c decaf, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
730p-salad, 4oz pork chop, c sweet potatoes, c apples, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine, Met, yeast, reds, guar gum, c Arctic Zero, 2c mulled spices
10p-NC, 5HTP

Totals: 2411 cal, 62g fat (25 sat), 298g carbs (59 fiber), 160g protein

A high day just as planned. Got a great lifting session in so all those calories ought to go straight to muscle, yeah? And if not, at least my brain is happy!

Now, it seems crazy to me that it was this high, because it's not like I loaded up on carbs & crap. But here's the high-calorie sources:
  • 5oz meatloaf = 444 cal
  • 4oz pork chop = 226 cal
If I'd had fish or poultry, I'd be looking at ~125 calories. So those are the best choices for low days - which is why I have 12oz of tilapia & 6 stuffed clams for next week!

Habit: 2c tea today!

Read This: Cookie Monster

A strategy to combat cravings:

Emotional Eating: Using “Later” to Overcome “Now”

November 18

5a-c reg, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Tyrosine
7a-c reg, stevia
9a-2c Sleepytime tea
10-2c green tea
1p-c mulled spices
230p-c mulled spices, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC
430p-can Zevia
530p- CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, Carnosine, Met, greens, yeast, gum, 2c Yogi bedtime tea, stevia
9p-NC, 5HTP

Totals: 260 cal, 6g fat (4 sat), 39g carbs (10 fiber), 11g protein

Fast day with SIX CUPS of tea. Felt decent all the way through, though certainly hungry when I walked through not one but TWO grocery delis just before noon. Glutton for punishment, I guess. Napped two hours after a doctor's appointment that left me crampy & feeling awful, but the nap definitely helped.

My only "failure" was canceling a planned run. I just didn't feel up to it mentally, most likely due to the fast. Normally I wouldn't care one whit, but I am running a 5k on Thursday and haven't spent nearly enough time running fast lately, so I'm getting a little nervous. Forcing myself out there might have helped settle my nerves somewhat...or it might have gone poorly like it always does when I'm not up for it. Wasn't worth the risk.

I also made a ton of food which might seem like a cruel thing to do on a fast day, and I'll admit to being hungry while doing so, but it turns out to be genius since it 100% prevents snacking!

Here's a list:
-four salads
-meatloaf
-slow cooker roast beef
-tilapia & onions
-chicken breakfast sausage
-stuffed clams
-steamed cabbage

I think I am stocked up on food all the way to next Sunday. Awesome.

November 17

5a-4 sl French toast, stevia, cinnamon extract, SF syrup, sm apple, 2c reg, Met, fish oil, multi, calcium, CLA, ALC
6a-2c pumpkin spice tea
7a-2c decaf
10a-5oz tuna, 2T mustard, sesame crackers, CLA, fish oil, multi, calcium, ALC, 2c YerbaMate
4p-3oz bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, 2s roasted veg, CLA, krill oil, multi, calcium, ALC, 2c decaf chai tea, stevia
7p-3oz bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, pint Arctic Zero, Met, reds, yeast, CLA, calcium, ALC, Carnosine, fish oil, multi
9p-5HTP

Totals: 1863 cal, 40g fat (14 sat), 218g carbs (48 fiber), 150g protein

Right on plan, right on target, and very easy to stick with, being a high day. I nearly skipped my 4pm meal since I felt so good, but did not want to take any risks that might up my chances of crashing. I even felt pretty stuffed at supper, no deprivation feelings whatsoever.

Habit: 6 cups tea. Easy peasy!

Bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin: on sale at Pete's, 3 for $4, and delicious. Go stock up!

Pumpkin Spice Arctic Zero: fucking phenomenal. So glad I bought all 5 pints that Pete's had stocked...sorry for being so greedy!!

I was awake at 330am again both Wednesday Thursday, so yesterday I decided to head home after training, take a nap, then jump online and finish working. GENIUS. The nap was much-needed and definitely helped. It can be hard to admit that I just can't get by on less than 8 hours of sleep, but what the fuck is the point of acting tough and suffering? And when it later leads almost directly to a binge, which thwarts my goals and beats down my brain, it's clear that sleep has to be a priority for me.

Know your weaknesses, learn from them, and strategize to compensate.

November 16

445a-roasted veg, chick saus, sl toast, T Sunbutter, 2c reg, stevia, Met, fish oil, multi, CLA, calcium, ALC
6a-sm apple, c decaf chai
8a-2c decaf, stevia
10a-SF Americano, salad, hb egg, med apple, rice cake, T Sunbutter, CLA, krill oil, multi, calcium, ALC
12p-2c decaf green tea
2p-2c decaf, stevia
330p-5oz tuna, 2T mustard, sesame crackers, sm apple, CLA, calcium, ALC
7p-Met, greens, yeast, CLA, calcium, ALC, Carnosine, fish oil, multi
8p-NC
9p-5HTP, Tyrosine, 4 FiberSmart

TOTALS: 1415 cal, 42g fat (12 sat), 167g carbs (35 fiber), 90g protein

3 decent, filling meals, no supper. And I felt perfectly fine, not remotely deprived!

-

New habit: I had THREE cups of tea yesterday! And used that as an excuse to buy pumpkin spice tea last night. I love pumpkin-flavored stuff and wish that companies stopped considering it to be seasonal. I mean, come on, I'd eat pumpkin pie in May! Speaking of, if anyone has the perfect pumpkin pie recipe to share, please do!

Old habit: even better. I had an absolutely fucking amazing body-image moment after teaching class yesterday morning. I was wearing tight capris that cause a little bit o' belly-flab spillover, which was visible since I was also wearing a very tight tank (normally I'd go with a looser tank to hide it). I looked in the mirror and noted the belly flab, but then stopped myself and looked objectively, and pondered what my thoughts would be if this body belonged to another woman.

I decided it wasn’t “Look at that belly fat” but rather “Nice arms. Nice shoulders. Nice back." And even, for the first time ever, "Nice ass!”

I can't properly convey what this mental shift means to me, as my body image has always been ferociously critical. And I mean FEROCIOUS. Now, I’m still not content with where my body comp is, I still want that little bit of belly flab to go the fuck away, but I’m not filled with hate/anger/frustration every time I look down… I don’t really have words to describe how immense this shift is.

Read This: Metabolic Effect

Really concise explanation on how you can achieve those elusive six-pack abs:

So You Want a Six Pack?

It's pretty simple, actually - but guess what? Simple ≠ easy!

November 15

530a-turkey egg (thanks, Joy!), chick saus, 2 sl toast, c reg, Met, fish oil, multi
645a-c reg, stevia
715a-2c decaf
845a-2c decaf
1030a-5oz tuna, sesame crackers, 2T mustard, apple
330p(PWO)-apple, 3.1oz jerky, krill oil, multi
630p-7oz chicken, ~20 baby carrots, ~2T sauce, romaine salad
830p-Met, reds, yeast, fish oil, multi, CLA, Calcium, ALC, Carnosine, NC
9p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 1753 cal, 48g fat (13 sat), 145g carbs (22 fiber), 166g protein

-

Habit update! I honestly feel like I've conquered the constant belly hate. It helps that I'm making body comp progress, but I know damn well that the mental shift has been a huge impact.

So now I'm starting another new habit: drink a cup of tea every day. Any tea: green, black, Sleepytime, whatever. Simple. Physical, not mental, this time, as I feel like my brain is on an upward spiral. Plus, I always want to buy more when I see the array of tea choices at the Grain Bin, but I already have a massive stash of it that I rarely drink. Time for that to change!

-

Scale note: I just realized that yesterday's weigh-in was exactly the same as when I started training with Dustin 2 years ago. If that isn't a perfect example of why NOT to focus on the scale, then nothing is. FAT LOSS is what you're after, not weight loss!

-

And finally, based on what I read in Mastering Leptin, I once again have a new diet plan. I feel like I'm the QUEEN of new plans, but hey, if it isn't working, try something else. Definition of insanity and allathat.
  • I will make the effort to nap both Saturday & Sunday, whether or not I feel like I need it at the time. (Basically, don't wait until I crash to catch up on sleep.) Also since I have a lot of upcoming Fridays off to burn up my PTO: bonus nap day!
  • Add recommended supplements (calcium, CLA, ALC, & Carnosine) that should help with my specific hormonal issues.
  • Make every effort to only work 40 hours per week, not 45-50 hours as is my tendency. Use that extra time for reading and relaxing! Tax season is right around the corner, after all.
  • Stop with the all-day grazing and instead eat 3 or 4 meals. Make Friday a fast day. Works out as follows:
    • Tuesday: 4 meals x 400 calories each + supps = 1850 calories
    • Wednesday: 3 meals x 400 calories each + supps = 1450 calories
    • Thursday: 4 meals x 400 calories each + supps = 1850 calories
    • Friday: supps = 250 calories (fast day)
    • Saturday: 3 meals x 400 calories each + 1 meal x 800 calories + supps = 2250 calories
    • Sunday: 3 meals x 400 calories each + 1 meal x 800 calories + supps = 2250 calories
    • Monday: supps = 250 calories (fast day)
This plan averages 1427, which is likely too low to feel good, which means there is leeway for extra calories as needed, based on workouts or sleep or whatever - or I can skip the Monday fast. Build it low, knowing that in reality it will always be higher.

My specific plan to combat binge urges: drink a quart of water, eat a BAS (Big Ass Salad*) but only if I actually need calories, and take a nap. Keep it simple; the body needs rest and fluids and perhaps some quality nutrition, but it definitely doesn't need the massive influx of food the brain is pushing for.

*Note: Mark's salad is significantly higher in calories than I need. Subract the pine nuts, avocado, and dressing, and that's where I land.

Recipe: Thanksgiving Meals

Whole9 shares a ton of drool-worthy Thanksgiving recipes: http://whole9life.com/2011/11/thanksgiving-2011/

Why not try making at least one of these for your family feast? Or, hell, make one tonight!

November 14

5a-c reg, Met, multi, fish oil
6a-c reg, c decaf
7a(PWO)-BCAAs
745a-2c decaf
9a-2c decaf
1230p-2c decaf, stevia, krill oil, multi
730p-c decaf chai tea, Met, greens, yeast, fish oil, multi, FiberSmart
9p-NC, 5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 260 cal, 7g fat (0 sat), 34g carbs (12 fiber), 15g protein

Fast day, imagine that. Not enough to get me to my goals for the week, but makes up for three straight days of failure.Was very tired and cold all day, worse than usual fasts. Left work at bit early and napped 5-7.

Acne update: tested excess caffeine in the form of 2-4 extra cups of regular coffee for three straight days. No reaction.

November 13

8a-1.5oz Paleonola, 2 fr eggs, chick saus, 2c reg, stevia
930a-2c decaf
1p-waffle, SF syrup, 2c decaf, stevia, oz Paleonola
3p-oz Paleonola
430p-eggplant pancake batch
5p-can tuna, sesame crackers, T mustard, pint Arctic Zero
7p-hot cocoa, Zevia, 2.5oz Paleonola, fish oil, multi
8p-FiberSmart

Totals: 2687 cal, 148g fat (36 sat), 241g carbs (47 fiber), 134g protein


Did better at avoiding between-meal snacking, except for finishing off that GD Paleonola!

November 12

8a-2 egg bake, 2 sl toast, 2c reg, stevia
9a-2c reg w/ SC syrup
10a-2c reg
12p-Subway sandwich piece, baby carrots, celery, grape tomatoes
330p-2 Subway sandwich pieces
430p-pint Arctic Zero
530p(PWO)-2oz Paleonola
630p-salad, broiled walleye, roasted veg, c decaf
8p-multi, fish oil
9p-2oz Paleonola, reds, yeast, Met

Totals: 2276 cal, 77g fat (18 sat), 258g carbs (46 fiber), 93g protein
Once again tried to skip snacks but fell apart in afternoon. Low sleep. Weekend. GD.

You may know I fucking love bread? Too tired to resist the leftover sandwiches that I tried bringing home to the hubster. Paleonola is really fucking good, basically nuts & seeds flavored with natural sweetness. I don't recommend it unless you are able to resist such things. My other pouches are now in the basement. Out of sight, out of mind. I hope.

Tiny victory: I ordered the walleye at supper, when you know god damn well that I wanted ribs.

November 11

From here to the rest of the weekend: do as I say, not as I do.

630a-2 egg bake, 2c reg, s orejitas, Sunbutter bar
7a-2c decaf, stevia
9a-2c decaf
10a-2c reg
11a-c SF green tea
12p(Mongo’s)-3oz tilapia, .5c ea carrots, celery, gr peppers, red peppers, 5oz sauce, 2t curry, 2c decaf, Sunbutter bar
5p-chicken & veg, s orejitas, fish oil, multi
8p-egg white pizza, Met, greens, yeast
9p-snack bag kettle corn
10p-snack bag kettle corn
12a-2s Ultima
1a(PWO)-2 fr eggs, chick saus, sl toast, 2c decaf

Totals: 2340 cal, 86g fat (18 sat), 239g carbs (37 fiber), 141g protein

Rather than my morning fast plan, I instead decided to try a no-snack plan due to what I'd learned in Mastering Leptin. It went fine until I started in on the anxiety snacking before my 11pm run, then topped it off by eating again when I got home, rather than going straight to bed. Stupid brain.

November 10

430a-2 fr eggs, 2.5oz chicken, English muffin, c reg, Met, fish oil, multi
6a-.25oz pistachios, c reg
7a-2c decaf, stevia
830a-snack bag kettle corn, .5oz almonds
11a(PWO)-1.5oz jerky
12p-salad w/ hb egg (brought own to potluck, took bit o’ ham & tomato for it), Zevia, 2c decaf, fish oil, multi
4p-2s egg bake
6p-salad, hb egg, 1.25oz pistachios, 2.5oz chicken, snack bag kettle corn, fish oil, multi, Met, reds, yeast
8p-roasted veg, NC
9p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 1768 cal, 69g fat (12 sat), 181g carbs (46 fiber), 130g protein

Should've avoided those pistachios,& carbs higher than they needed to be, but a perfectly healthy day.

Recipe: Supplement "Ice Cream"

Every night I have a mix of supplements that is comprised of:
-1.5t Metamucil
-T greens or reds (I alternate days)
-1.5t brewer's yeast
-s stevia on greens days

Last night I added ice & guar gum & basically made it into ice cream!

Notes:
-My greens & reds are homemade mixes from dried fruits/veg that I bought off nutsonline.com a while back, but you can buy these powders pretty much anywhere.
-If you don't want/care for greens & reds, this should totally work for protein powder as well.

So here's how I did it:

I put my usual powders into the Magic Bullet plus a generous pinch of guar gum (I saw xanthum recommended [on Emily Zaler's site] but I had guar gum [I have no idea why, it was unopened!] which worked just fine). I then added an entire tray's worth of ice cubes (um, about 3-4 cubes too many, so maybe leave a free inch or so at the top). Then I added about 2 oz water, and my Bullet was struggling to chew up the ice cubes (probably didn't help that it was CHOCK FULL), so I added about 2 more oz & tried again. It was working but still wasn't getting the ice at the top chewed up, so I left it on the counter to melt a bit while I ate my supper. Probably 10 minutes or so. Then when I blended again, all the ice got pulverized.

Thick enough to eat with a spoon! The texture was creamy like soft-serve cream, except with some ice crystals. I could overlook that little flaw in order to replace something liquid & unsatisfying with something that felt like an actual indulgent snack.

You know me and my recipes. They aren't remotely perfected, aren't even written like recipes, are always works in progress - but the important thing is, they are healthy & taste good. My goal is simply that you use this info to design your own experiments. Have fun and report back on any successes!

November 9

415a-fr egg, chick saus, English muffin, c reg, Met, fish oil, multi
5a-c reg
8a-Americano w/ SF syrup, egg bake, 2 orejitas
1145a-2c decaf, stevia, salad w/ hb egg, krill oil, multi
130p-2c decaf, 3 orejitas
230p-2c decaf
4p-egg bake, T mustard, 2c decaf
7p-2s chicken spaetzle soup, fish oil, multi
8p-Met, greens, yeast, NC
9p- 5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 1527 cal, 55g fat (11 sat), 147g carbs (30 fiber), 119g protein

Yesterday was a great day. I definitely feel like I'm on an upward spiral. In the spirit of my favorite holiday, let me list the wonderful things in my life:
-my favorite teammate comes back to work today
-I get to run a 5k on my birthday
-I'm joining a just-for-fun 11k tomorrow night (11/11/11) at 11pm
-my pull-ups are kicking ass
-I just wrote out my check for the powerlifting meet (eep!)
-I booked a weekend getaway w/ Hop to celebrate the trifecta of our 10-year dating anniversary, my birthday, and pumping season survival
-nutrition is [currently] very easy, going perfectly
-my recent retail therapy is happy-making (Monday I wore new boots, yesterday a new dress, today new jeans & a Wonder Woman necklace, tomorrow more new boots!)
-I'm seeing & feeling awesome body comp progress
-I've had a couple highly motivating wellness convos lately
-I booked a weekend workout date with Joy that will include barbells
-work is going wonderfully
-thanks to Steve's habit experiment, I literally look down at my belly perhaps once per day, and then I immediately fix my posture to put it back out of sight...hate-free!
-every workout this week has felt totally fucking solid
-I'm making fantastic progress on testing acne reactions
-my 5-week stretch of busy weekends starts now, but is actually looking fun

Basically, my brain is in a good place, and everything is feeding the spiral! I am a happy Hoppe.

Not going well: sleep. The time change is really fucking my shit up. I was awake at 315 yesterday. Not tired-and-couldn't-sleep, just wide awake. Today I woke at 315, but managed to doze off & on until I just got up at 430. UGH!

I currently feel good, energized, no issues, but as the past has indicated that consecutive nights of sleep this low usually precipitates a binge, I'm being very strategic about my nutrition plan. I'm adding in some starches specifically timed to compensate for the sleep and keep my energy level up, and instead of a full-day fast or just low-cal meals, I'm plotting an Eat-Stop-Eat fasting regimen:
-Wednesday eve: skipped eve snack
-Thursday eve: skip eve snack
-Friday: skip breakfast and morning snack
-Saturday: skip breakfast and morning snack
-Sunday: eat normal

Skipping 6 meals/snacks is going to amount to the same calories as a full fast day. This might normally just make me feel deprived on 4 consecutive days, but:
-skipping the eve snacks should be easy since I made an awesome discovery last night! I turned my supplement drink into ice cream! (Recipe to follow.)
-Friday is a tax update class in St Cloud, and Saturday is a Relay for Life round table in Fergus Falls. Since all-out fasting is not an option I want to explain to others, a half-fast should work. Each day will start out feeling like a typical fast day, then I just eat lunch with everyone else and follow my usual eating pattern the rest of the day. easy!

I'm even planning a date night with Hop on Saturday night! Supper & a movie...though don't be too jealous, as the movie will be Transformers, which Netflix has kindly loaned us for the last two months...for $10. Anyway, by skipping a total of 6 meals/snacks, I will have calories banked for a relatively indulgent supper. Can't beat that! I'm thinking ribs. (I'm always thinking ribs.)

Sunday afternoon is really the only chance I'd have for my nutrition to go awry, as I'll be home alone. However, my phrase of the weekend is: "A binge is not inevitable." I'm going to be able to sleep in the next three days, can probably even squeeze in a nap here & there. And hydration is going to be watched with a hawk's eye. Plus, I'm a total nerd who checked out a book about leptin last night, and maybe getting into the scientific-y details will help the logical side of my brain stay in control. I have hope!

November 8

5a-fr egg, 5oz chicken breast, 2 sl toast, T apple butter, c reg, Met, multi, fish oil
6a-c reg, stevia, s orejitas
7a-2c decaf, stevia
845a-2c decaf, stevia
10a-egg bake, orange, 2c decaf, flavor drops
1p(PWO)-5oz tuna, 2T mustard, sesame rice crackers, krill oil, multi
a’noon snacking-8 almonds
430p-egg bake
630p-salad w/ hb egg, NC
730p-protein crepes, Met, reds, yeast, fish oil, multi
8p-.5oz pistachios
930p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 1796 cal, 57g fat (10 sat), 168g carbs (27 fiber), 153g protein

Exactly on plan!

Free autographs for my fans!

Strong is the New Skinny featured YOURS TRULY on their Facebook page. Too cool!!

November 7

5a-Met, fish oil, multi, c reg
6a-c reg, stevia, BCAAs
730a(PWO)-BCAAs, 2c decaf
830a-2c decaf, flavor drops
1030a-2c decaf
1145a-BCAAs
130p(PWO)-BCAAs, multi, fish oil, 2c decaf
630p-2c herbal tea
730p-Met, greens, yeast, fish oil, multi
830p-NC, 5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 223 cal, 6g fat (0 sat), 28g carbs (10 fiber), 13g protein

Fast day, and easily so. I even did two workouts (taught my class & subbed for Heather) and still wasn't dying. BCAAs were an experiment, couldn't really tell if they made a difference, would have to compare to a similar day without them! Either way, I pretty much felt like Wonder Woman.

Definitely noted that I was quite tired by about 7pm, as my brother & cousin popped over to see if we wanted to go to Sidewalks, but being unable to drink anything besides decaf or water, and freezing, and tired, and basically no fun, I declined. I even went to bed at 845pm! Some of this can be attributed to the time change, of course, but fasting + 2 workouts surely impacted it.

From about two weeks ago, I am down 2 lbs according to my home scale. More importantly, I am seeing definition return to my upper abs & my thighs, which is hugely motivating! Progress feeds progress. I hope I'm on an upward spiral!

Acne: I tested wheat this weekend, and still no reaction. You know what I'm now suspecting? Gum. Fucking GUM! Who knows, maybe even dairy is okay after all, because despite my obsessive level of food tracking, I've never in my life worried about gum intake. Ever. As to whether I chewed a lot last year when the acne went horrible, I'm not certain, but probably. It's a good go-to to keep from eating. I definitely cut it out during the Whole30, and tried to stay off it most of the time since then. But I've always had some in my drawer at work and so it's quite possible that it caused every single reaction. Who knows? What I do know is that in the last couple weeks that I HAVE been tracking it, cysts have soon followed. I can't decide whether being able to eat dairy is good or bad, needing willpower to avoid ice cream, but I can tell you this: I'll be testing it soon. My birthday is just 2 hardcore-dieting weeks away, and I think some pumpkin pie is in order!

Habit: wonderful. I am wearing my snug blue size 2 dress, and while I still zero in on the belly with every view of my side reflection, I don't hate it! It looks good today. And I basically don't look down at my belly ever, or if I do, I immediately correct to proper posture and smile as it disappears. No hateful dark alleys. Such a tiny thing, so little effort, but such a huge payoff. I think I owe Steve Reishus a gift.

And finally, I made a decision about the powerlifting meet. Thanks to wise words shared by my amazing friend Joy* and Dustin, I'm in. I'm going to leap outside my box and act like the badass I wanna be. Fake it 'til you make it, right?

Select knowledge-bombs from them:

Joy: I will tell you that for me, showing up that day (with my husband supporting me) and giving it a try was a HUGE self-esteem builder, even though I failed at the 100 bench attempt the victory of trying was sweeter than the victory of a successful press ever would have been.

Super impactful quote that she shared: Try and fail, but don't fail to try. -Stephen Kaggwa

-

Dustin:  Go into it for the experience, to enjoy it with people who have similar interests as yourself. People who think it is fun to get together on Saturday and lift weights or run ALL DAY! [< possibly my favorite line, recognizing that I do not consider such folks to be unusual!] And hopefully at the end of the day you have improved on your lifts, or at least learned a little more about yourself and your training.

Super impactful quote that he shared: Don't let the fear of failure prevent you from taking the first step.

-

So, you know what?

Fuck fear.

Let's do this.

Upcoming goals list: Turkey Trot 5k on my birthday (11/24, gifts may be mailed to PO Box 307, West Union, MN 56389!), Snowflake Shuffle 5k on 12/10 (tentatively), NSS powerlifting meet on 1/14.

I think Wonder Woman would approve.

---

* Just last night I was listening to a podcast that focuses on the mental aspects of dieting down, training for your dream body, etc. On this episode they talked about support you receive or don't receive when you make these efforts. They said you will be surprised (& disappointed) at the people who do not support you when you fully expected them to, whether this is because of jealousy or their lowered self-esteem or diverging lifestyles. But more importantly, you will be even more surprised (& delighted) at the people who end up supporting you that you would never have imagined would help you in your journey.

Like Joy.

I would say that a year ago we had barely said more than "hi" to each other, despite being coworkers for 5 years. But now she is one of my top go-to people when it comes to wellness. I talk to her about recipes, workouts, nutrition, everything. She's also my SpartaBuddy, but more appropriately, my Super SpartaBuddy! Thanks, woman!

November 6

5a-fr egg, 2oz chicken, 2 sl toast, 2c reg, fish oil, multi, Met
9a-chicken spaetzle soup, honeycrisp, c decaf
11a(PWO)-.5oz kettle corn
1130a-can Zevia
1p-2oz pistachios, salad, 2c decaf
4p-honeycrisp, sl egg bake, 1.5c decaf, stevia
5p-roasted cauliflower
630p-chicken spaetzle soup, pb cookie
730p-egg white & stevia waffle (form fail), SF syrup, Met, reds, yeast, multi, fish oil, NC, 4 FiberSmart
9p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 1856 cal, 66g fat (7 sat), 211g carbs (40 fiber), 114g protein

During my afternoon food-making, I could not stop eating. Felt like binge mode, but I was halfway in control: I chose healthy options, and then I forced a 1-hour wait before eating anything else. That seemed to work, although I did jump online to calculate exactly how many calories I could eat UP TO in order to still come in at my goal (thanks to a Monday fast); while there's nothing wrong with that, earlier in the week I was in a mode of how LITTLE I could get by with eating, to hit my goal as fast as possible. Can’t blame this on hydration or low sleep either. Possibly too many intense workouts?

I used a free pass to visit the YMCA in the morning to play with barbells on a weekend and it was so totally freaking awesome. Heather & I were basically the only ones using the weights, everyone else was on the machines, a whole row of little bouncing hamsters on the ellipticals. This might just become a Sunday habit until tax season (when it'll conflict with my long runs) or until I run out of free passes.

Egg bake recipe note: you can make it in a pan, too! I first sauteed turnips & rutabagas & onions, then dumped in a carton of egg whites. Extra points for bacon-grease flavoring and cutting it into pizza-like triangles!

November 5

6a-¾ choco-waffle, SF syrup, 2 eggs, chick saus, sl toast, 2c reg
8a-2c decaf, Larabar
1130a(PWO)-chicken spaetzle soup, mini Larabar, 2c decaf
330p-3oz jerky, 20oz Sobe Lifewater
4p-.5oz pistachios, honeycrisp
6p-3oz roast beef, few SP slices, roasted cauliflower, 20oz Sobe Lifewater
7p-Arctic Zero
8p-3.2oz jerky, 2.2oz chicken, mulit, fish oil, Met, greens, yeast
9p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 2572 cal, 74g fat (13 sat), 269g carbs (37 fiber), 220g protein

Ate a giant breakfast, mindlessly - I did a long run, but didn't need to have that much extra! And the 8pm snacking was just a touch shy of binge mode, really, but I was aware enough to focus on protein. Not sure what was going on there, as I thought I was plenty rested & hydrated.

Habit: had a big victory while shopping! Some of the clothes I tried on looked hideous, highlighting my belly to the point where previously I would’ve been very sad, frustrated, & down on myself - but this time I blamed the clothes! As you many well know, that's a mental shift that is very difficult to achieve when you dislike your body. But when you like your body enough to know that it can look good in the right clothes, you realize that it's the piece of clothing making it look bad, not the body itself. Perspective!

November 4

6a-egg bake, 4.2oz ribs, T mojo sauce, c reg, Met, fish oil, multi
8a-decaf Americano w/ SF syrup
10a-egg bake, t mustard, 2c decaf
1230p-salad, chicken, krill oil, multi, 12 almonds
245p-egg bake w/ mustard
430p-1.5oz jerky
7p-chicken skin, Met, reds, yeast, fish oil, multi
8p-chicken spaetzle soup, Arctic Zero, 5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 2039 cal, 98g fat (12 sat), 117g carbs (31 fiber), 172g protein

Went over planned intake. Long day at work, tested wheat with the soup, and ate up a bit to fuel a long Saturday morning run. Mostly I didn't realize that chicken skin would log so many calories! I ate the skin of an entire rotisserie chicken, which I was using for the soup. Totally worth it, though. That shit is the bomb.

November 3

530a-fr egg, chick saus, sl toast, honeycrisp, c reg, Met, fish oil, multi
730a-2c decaf
830a-2c decaf, flavor drops
915a-apple, 2T Sunbutter
1030a-rice cake, T Sunbutter
1p(PWO)-5oz tuna, sesame rice crackers, 2T mustard, krill oil, multi
4p-1.5oz jerky
6p-salad, egg bake, 2c decaf, Met, .75s greens, yeast, fish oil, multi
8p-turkey pepperoni omelet
930p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 1938 cal, 77g fat (17 sat), 165g carbs (33 fiber), 144g protein

The goal was 1800 calories, but in keeping with my new plan, I added an apple to breakfast due to poor sleep; had the quantity, but not the quality. Then mid-morning, I was feeling very low-energy, and rather than suffer through it, I decided to fuel myself so I'd walk into my training session feeling as good as possible. And then my session felt GD awesome!

At home in the eve, I was feeling snacky and considered the tiny bag of kettle corn, but wanted no more carbs for my eve. So instead, I indulged w/ a somewhat-pizza-flavored omelet & TV. This was actually 3x the calories than the kettle corn, but also sounded better, more filling, thus more able to satisfy the craving. So while I went over on calories for the day, it is easily justified due to being under the prior days, and more importantly: I felt in control, reacting to phsyical need, not mental issues, and none of the snacking was mindless. 

Habit: really impessive. I was at Target last night & tried on a dress that ended up very Kelly-Bundy-esque, and while it 100% highlighted my belly, I actually looked at it and thought, "Hey, that really isn't all that bad." If it hadn't been so short, I probably would've bought it! That's amazing progress.

Also, a related note: I tried on skinny jeans that were all just way too small to start with (Juniors sizing does not equal Misses/Women's, oops!) but even so I'm pretty sure that my big ol' legs will never fit into a skinny jean. Maybe (god I hate this word) jeggings, but that's about it. And while I'm still hoping to find a decent jean to tuck into my sweet new boots, I'm only sad for fashion reasons; I was not upset about my legs. I've worked hard for these muscles, and I'll be god damned if I will begrudge them their size. Strong Is the New Skinny, bitches!

November 2

445a-fr egg, chick saus, c reg, Met, fish oil, multi
6a-c reg, stevia
8a-2c decaf
930a-egg bake, 2c decaf
1215p-salad w/ chicken, multi, krill oil, med apple, 2c decaf
330p-egg bake, 2c decaf
630p(PWO)-.5oz kettle corn*
7p-¼ chicken, c squash, fish oil, multi, Met, reds, yeast, protein apples (yes, better with less powder), NC
9p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 1574 cal, 49g fat (13 sat), 158g carbs (41 fiber), 132g protein

*Angie's Kettle Corn made snack-size bags for Halloween, cute little half-ounce bags. Two handfuls of popcorn is not all that filling as a snack, but if you are mostly operating in craving mode, it works pretty damn well. In fact, I have to return to Target tonight, and am hoping to find another sack of them.

Picture me staring at a bag of kettle corn and longing to eat it. If I cave, as we all know, I eat the entire bag. This way I can cave and eat an entire bag for 70 calories, not 1050. Even if that tiny snack bag didn't fill the craving, how likely am I to stand there and open bag after bag to stuff myself? I've done some shameful things in binge mode, but I don't think this would be one of them. It's a built-in restrictor plate. Speed bumps. Choose your own metaphor here. Think about your own triggers for a bit, and strategize how you can work around them as well!

---

Habit: still kicking ass at this. I had a few moments yesterday, wearing my snug dress, that the image in the mirror was all focused on my belly area. But if I just stood up with perfect posture, that belly almost totally disappeared...so how big can it really be, right? It still ain't where I want it, but it's just not that bad.

Perspective.

If this serves only to dilute my belly hate, well, holy fucking shit that's leaps and bounds of progress for this girl's brain. I obsess about my belly fat like a dog who nabbed a T-bone off the counter. If that obsession is simply mitigated by even 50%, which sounds tiny, like nothing, I know; but I'm telling you, it will do amazing things for my quality of life and feelings of self-esteem and self-worth and allathat.

I hope your own habit experiment can do the same.

---

And now I want to share some ridiculous back-and-forth thinking that I spewed to Joy yesterday, regarding the NSS powerlifting meet coming in January. It may help illustrate that you are not alone in your insidious levels of self-doubt. Or might just be a chance for me to highlight one of my top issues:

When Dustin mentioned the meet, I said it depended on when it was, and back then it was possibly going to be on December 10th, day of my 5k at St Ben’s. But mostly I was standing there thinking, “I haven’t BB deadlifted in over a year, haven’t back squatted in 6 months (not sure actually, feels like about that many months though), and have never benched!!” and I don’t think he’s brought it up since then. I started a new cycle last week, and I did BB DLs last Thursday (without massive bruising!), but that’s it.

I’ll confess that I’ve been afraid to even ask what Dustin is thinking. Part of me says I’m going to suck at it all so why bother (obviously I don’t know whether I would kick ass or suck ass, but in my brain, no knowledge + no innate ability = no confidence → I’d suck) – part of me says that my focus right now is eating for fat loss, and if I try to add something like this, will it be too much stress and cause some kind of crash, mental or physical or both – part of me says why the fuck not at least train for it and see what happens – I have many parts – I think that’s all of them. No wait: all parts of me definitely want to come see it even if I’m not in it! Curious George.


As I think about it more today, I'm focusing in on the part that says: "Why the fuck not at least train for it and see what happens?"

And you know what my answer is? No surprises here: it's fear. Fear of failure. More appropriately: fear of "failure." Fear of finding out that I do suck at those lifts compared to everyone else, and have to accept that others will always be better than me at them.

Never mind that I am still awesome at running or pullups or trapbar deadlifts or, Jesus Aitch Christ, the fact that even if I were dead fucking last compared to every other person there, I would still be doing fucking phenomenal for me. How is that failure? For a "chubby girl in the corner with a book" all her life, I sure do expect ridiculous things from my body.

I have realized that what I'm waiting for is for Dustin to tell me I should do it because I will be good at it. Never mind whether it will be a fun experience or a new challenge for both the body & brain, or help with my other wellness goals or any of that nonsense! I need to be reassured that I won't suck, and therefore it's worth doing.

And I'm like this with everything. It's the reason I have zero interest in any activities besides lifting & running. I am uncoordinated so I suck at team sports & anything choreographed, I am a terrible swimmer, etc. (This is 100% honesty, not self-deprecation, truly.) But while I might be able to improve my skills, I don't want to bother because I'll never be more than "okay" at these things, so automatically they aren't fun for me. I don't find enjoyment in things I don't excel at! A clear example where being an Perfectionist can be a massive weakness.

Anyway. I just wanted to share, help you to realize that the vast majority of us are full of fears & self-doubt. I should end this with something like "that doesn't mean you don't swallow those fears, go forth and kick ass, or at least try things that scare the shit out of you" - and declare that I'm doing this meet, but I can't tie this up in a bow for you. I'm still in "fear of failure" mode myself.

November 1

430a-fr egg, chick saus, sl toast, banana, 2c reg, stevia, Met, fish oil, multi
630a-2c decaf, stevia
715a-2c decaf, 2T creamer
830a-2c decaf
10a-rice cake, T Sunbutter
115p(PWO)-5oz tuna, 2T mustard, sesame rice crackers,* honeycrisp, multi, krill oil
4p-oz almonds
7p-salad, 2oz chicken, fish oil, Met, greens, yeast, Cinnamon Protein Apples**
8p-NC
1030p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 1710 cal, 53g fat (10 sat), 190g carbs (40 fiber), 120g protein

*Check out my lunch: tuna, mustard, & crackers. This is actually really GD good! Mix tuna & mustard, then scoop it up with your crackers. Mustard adds plenty of flavor without the calories of mayo. The scooping makes it feel like a treat, fulfills those dipping & crunching needs. Try it!

Use canned chicken instead if you hate tuna. I dislike tuna, so I buy this stuff, which does not taste the slightest bit fishy, and is only 173 calories for the entire can of protein-packed goodness. A little expensive though: $3/can on Amazon, though you can do auto-ship and get it cheaper (like me).

Whether or not food is "expensive" depends on your priorities, though. Pay the grocer now, or the doctor later! And let's compare it to eating out: if spending $5 at McDonald's is a reasonable price to pay for tasty poison masquerading as food, then how is a $3 uber-healthy can of tuna too expensive to consider?

**The apple snack was pretty tasty. A little on the dry side, since the apples get coated with powder, but as you bite in, YUM to the flavor! Tonight I'm going to repeat with the leftover powder, which should mean the slices aren't quite as thoroughly coated, which I think will solve the dryness issue. When I run out of honeycrisp apples, I will try this with baked apples (okay, fine, let's be honest: microwaved apples). Why wait? Because you enjoy the perfect texture of a honeycrisp raw, you don't freaking bake it - that! is some kind of serious blasphemy!

HABIT: still doing well. Some sideways belly views, but they were accompanied by telling myself that it really doesn't look bad, and it isn't all that much fat to lose before I start liking it. I can sacrifice a little to get there!

Read this: Roman Fitness

Funny and useful. Win win!

Nobody Likes a Grumpus: 11 Ways to Brighten Up Your Day (and Your Life)

October 31

445a-fr egg, chick saus, c reg, Met, multi, fish oil
6a-c reg, stevia
730a-1.5c decaf
10a-1.5oz jerky
1p-salad (cabbage, peppers, rainbow salad, carrots, 2oz chicken, balsamic)
2p-fish oil, multi
3p-med apple, 12 almonds
4p-12 almonds
6p-celery & balsamic
630p-¼ chicken, rice, fish oil, multi, Met, greens, yeast, banana ice cream w/ CPB2, decaf chai tea
9p-NC, 5HTP, Tyrosine, 4 FiberSmart

Totals: 1556 cal, 51g fat (12 sat), 167g carbs (33 fiber), 113g protein

Week's averages:
-1878 cal, 74g fat (16 sat) 36%, 191g carbs (26 fiber) 41%, 111g protein 24%
-Up 3%,59 cal avg, 416 total, from last week
-Burned 3009, up 268 from last week

Weight: down .8 lbs...keep on plugging away.

In re-listening to the Leigh Peele podcasts, I picked up two new points:
-Hydration/electrolyte imbalances can be a big physical binge trigger. I knew this, yet I didn’t drink any water Saturday afternoon, not a drop. Strategy: tally cups of water all weekend on the board on the fridge.
-Having an “all or nothing” mindset is no good. I knew this too, but, hello, this is still exactly how I think. So part of my new plan is that I don’t “make up for” the prior day, whether it was over or under – I worry about today. I either sacrifice & eat the bare minimum I need to feel okay, or I act like an athlete and eat to properly fuel the workouts that matter (training sessions & long runs).

Habit: doing awesome. My belly bloated up yesterday since I resumed eating, and it got huge after supper. (I actually felt pretty gross, too many carbs at once.) Yet I did not hate on it, I just quit looking at it!