October 29

630a-fr egg, chick saus, .75 choco-waffle, SF syrup, 2c reg, stevia, fish oil, multi, Met
830a-2c decaf, stevia
10a(PWO)-s Ultima, mini Larabar
11a-s Ultima
12p-cobb salad w/o cheese, balsamic vinaigrette, 2c decaf
1p-snack size kettle corn (Only 70 calories! Swear this size was designed just for me.)
130p-honeycrisp
4p-chips & salsa, 3oz jerky
5p-half waffle
630p-rack ribs, SP fries, 2c decaf
9p-2.5 waffles, SF syrup, pb cookie, Met, reds, yeast, fish oil, multi, NC
1130p-5HTP, Tyrosine

Totals: 3411 cal, 167f fat (40 sat), 330g carbs (36 fiber), 159g protein

1000 calories over the goal. God damn.

As I got ready for supper, turned snacky/bingey. First I ate chips & salsa, then jerky, then I wised up & left the damn kitchen while I waited for my parents to call to meet for supper. After killing time on the computer, I went back to the kitchen & made a toaster waffle; while it was toasting, mom called that they were on their way, so I found some willpower/intelligence and decided I should just toss it. But then I started gnawing on it as I walked to the trash can, and got it half eaten before I tossed the rest; I seriously must have looked like I was in an eating contest.

I ate my meal out as planned: whole rack of ribs & SP fries, though I probably should’ve cut to half a rack given the snacking. Then back at home afterward, I was craving sweets. I almost can’t bear to share this, but I literally plucked that half a waffle from the trash can, reheated it in the microwave, & ate it (granted it was not sitting on anything gross [papers] but still it was in the motherfucking trash). And guess what, surprise, surprise, it was not satisfying! So then I made two more waffles & ate those. And then I grabbed a cookie & my book & vegged on the couch. After finishing my book I was able to just go to bed and forgive the binge.

I am suprised that this happened when I was eating plenty high all week, specifically intending to avoid it. But then again, factor in loneliness due to a missing husband, disappearing sunlight, two straight nights of low-quality sleep, not enough water, plenty of workouts for the week (interestingly, very little of it was running), and a binge result should not be such a surprise. And yet, Friday night talking to Hop, I told him that I had a good week and meant it.

So the question is: how the fuck do I recognize this before it happens?! Because I had many of the same parameters last weekend and yet did not binge then...possibly because it was only my first week back into a deficit so I still had some reserves to draw on? I honestly don't know.

I have to get this figured out, though, because not only are binges bad for fat loss, they leave me fighting GI issues for a couple days, and repeatedly binge-eating can have some very serious physical ramifications. Mentally I obviously have a tendency to beat the shit out of myself for days & days, though this time I'm feeling more "scientific" about it, far less emotional. More like, "Let's figure out what the fuck is happening here and how to avoid it" than "I suck I suck I suck." Perhaps I should re-listen to Leigh Peele's binge series podcast. Definitely couldn't hurt.

Here's a silver lining for the day: I (and now you) learned that the cobb salad at Doolittle's is fucking phenomenal. Dustin had raved about it a while back, and being it was something I could order by only needing to add "No cheese," I went for it. And it was filling, satisfying, and delicious.

Habit update: still doing well. No belly hate so far this weekend, despite the mental beatdown of a binge episode! That's damned impressive for this chica.

Onward and upward from here.

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