Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger: Day 31

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday: good.
Thursday: small mental breakdown. Yep, right on schedule!

8.25 hours in bed. Slept better but woke 1, 4, 5 – fell back quickly each time. Windows were open again BUT this time I used ear plugs. Genius. Woke up at 550 naturally. Feeling better mentally and physically!

My session was good, even with modifications (for my shoulder/foot/calf) which usually bum me out. Dustin even told me to skip my Friday morning 6-miler at MP in order to give my foot maximum healing time before Sunday's 20, and STILL I felt good & left on a high note.

And then...

On the [short] drive back to work, I broke down. Crying in my car, crying in the locker room, ugh UGH UGH. What happened is I recalled a comment that a coworker friend had made yesterday about it being good to see me fail (made in regards to me struggling while having to do two jobs when Lisa is on FMLA) "for us normal people.” At the time it was like a punch in the gut but I kind of forgot about it. Until that moment, when it made me feel perfectly awful.

I get what she meant; it’s like “hating” the popular girl in high school when really you just want to be her - and obviously she doesn’t know how very, very much I’m struggling right now (this summer...this year...) - but it just reinforced my fear that failure is inevitable while Lisa’s gone. Like I’m going to end up right where I was for the first 2 months of tax season, and I can’t survive going back there again, and especially not while training for a killer marathon time. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, and so immediately after leaving NSS on a high note, but it did. God damn it all.

And then I got upset because my Thursday calories were now going to be way over without a Friday run, and I need to eat just 1375 calories Friday, a fucking weekend (I took the day off). How the fuck can I do that?

So, down in the dumps. But soon I felt much better after emailing details of this freakout to two of my wondertastic girls, Heather & Joy, and getting amazingly understanding, supportive, funny, and "you got this" responses. I won't pretend I was magically better and positive and confident. But I realized I wasn't alone and abandoned, staring at the flat face of an impossible mountain. The mountain didn't change, but I had peeps at my side, and they actually had climbing gear. I still have to climb on my own, but they can help me. And I knew this already, but sometimes I have to be reminded.

If you don't have people like this in your life, find them. Surround yourself with them. Lean on them, and let them lean on you. Feed them equal parts love and support and asskicking workouts and healthy recipes and clean desserts, as they are priceless fucking gems and you want them to live forever. But for the love of Pete, remember to USE THEM. When you're down, when you're out, when everything in your life totally fucking sucks and you want to throw in the towel, tell them. Call, email, text, pass a note, send up smoke signals, whatever: they can't help you if they don't know you're struggling. ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

Just like the coworker friend who hurt my feelings: she has had no idea I'm still struggling. She knew I tanked in tax season, but as far as she knew, things were again coming easy to me. (And in her mind, they always have come easily to me. False!) It would kill her to know how much her comment hurt me, because she is a very sensitive soul, and certainly did not mean to make me feel badly. I can't even tell her, "Hey, you made me cry yesterday, because I'm not this confident successful person you picture me to be," without making her feel terrible for it. But since that comment, we've talked about our mutual nutrition challenges and I shared my 10-day binge-fest & the weight I gained; I've made it clear that I'm not a fucking superstar these days, not worth envying by any stretch. And I don't think I'll hear hurtful comments from her again; in fact, I feel pretty confident she's going to be one of my top cheerleaders during Payroll Hell. Remember: people can not help you if they don't know you need it!

After work, I did a 30-minute metabolic workout  w/ Amy. It was fairly easy, since I modified all jumping stuff for my foot. After that, I went to girls’ night with my Sauk besties. It was healthy other than angel food cake, but I felt crappy. If I put my head down, like to scratch my forehead w/o lifting my hand, I had major vertigo. That was weird. And at 830pm, WHAM, I was totally depleted, yawning & ready for bed. On the drive home I just kept telling myself, "When you get home, wash your face, brush your teeth, and go to bed. Don't eat. You don't need food. You just ate. You're full. You need sleep." And at home I managed to get my ass straight to bed like a good girl, no food whatsoever!

All of the above, from the afternoon breakdown to the 830pm energy wall, is a sign of complete physical depletion that I have been hitting, over and over, without recognizing that it's inevitable I will keep hitting it unless I change my habits.

...and that's what those in the business call foreshadowing. Tune in tomorrow when I share some breakthrough "holy shit this is pure genius" insights that I learned from am invaluable li'l podcast recommended by Dustin, now Person Of The Year in my book. It's about binges, and I literally cried in recognition of my own pathetic self as I listened to it. I'm full of strategies for the future, and I'll be sharing them with you, my 3 loyal readers.

Food details:
6a-4 crepes, T PB2, T CPB2, c reg w/ T creamer, fish oil, D, zinc, adrenal, Met, MA
7a-c reg w/ T creamer, cinnamon; 8a-Americano w/ SF syrup
9a-2 pumpkin pancakes w/ .25c applesauce, 1.5c decaf w/ stevia
11a- 1p-salad w/ HB egg & balsamic, 1 pancake, sweet potato pie, fortune cookie, MA, fish oil
330p-Kind+ mango & macadamia
7p-raw veg, salad of iceberg, chicken, bell peppers, onions
8p-angel food cake & strawberries
930p-fish oil, zinc, MA, BSM, adrenal, Tyrosine, 5HTP
Totals: 1711 cal, 62g fat (10 sat), 194g carbs (38 fiber), 98g protein - goal of 1480

On another note, Dustin & I talked in my session about changing things up by reducing my workouts back to one a day, giving my body more rest, see if that reduces the binge urges, cravings, I-can-and-will-eat-an-entire-fucking-cow insatiable hunger, possibly help the acne, and it might help the body drop some fat stores if it’s not constantly being pummeled with intense workouts. I actually had been thinking about that a little, but didn’t want to drop my calorie intake that much! And yet, Putnam being gone might just force it to happen, since I might be too mentally wiped to face an evening workout (which is truly okay, since noon running/Dustin is the only quality stuff I NEED to do, and the rest is quantity, basically just burning calories so that I can eat more of them). So I might have to face the challenge of eating like 1500 calories per day...and man, it’s been a really long time since I’ve done that.

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