Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger: Days 12 & 13

Failures abounded.

Somehow I let my brain be sucked down into eat eat eat mode, and I couldn't get out. And then I basically gave up for the weekend. I can't tell you how many times the phrase "I need a Monday" went through my head! Mondays are a reset button, a way to put my brain back in its proper place, and I just wasn't going to get there on Saturday or Sunday.

Diagnosis: many little things wrong that I allowed to snowball in my brain.
-Too tired; generally spent 8 hours in bed every night, but mentally I was not rested
-Dehydrated (weekends I get off-track) and mistaking thirst as hunger
-Too many little “failures” affecting me:
--for starters, need to stop thinking of them as failures
--flower gardens are overrun with weeds and trees (!)
--messy house and everyone is coming over for the parade in just one week, would love to hire my girl Heather for a solid once-over but see next bullet
--worrisome cash flow, on top of new house purchase, on top of small costs like the quarter beef we ordered, Afton mileage, food for parade day, girls’ weekend, thinking I have to say no to Ragnar Relay invite strictly due to cost even if Dustin says it’s okay, WI marathon, Diane’s wedding, I could go on and on
--very worried about hitting 3:20 marathon
--feel like a crappy wife, we hardly spend any time together
-Food allergies are beating me down, see the M&M cookie for example
-Acne, oh my god, the fucking acne is blasting my brain (although, it’s actually improving a tiny bit)

In retrospect, I see a re-feed pattern here: about every 3-4 weeks I break down, fall apart, call it what you will, and I have a binge meal or day or weekend. It's time to schedule such splurges in advance so I don't spend 3 days hating myself for "failing" when half of it is biological need, not willpower failing. My exact strategy for that is still TBD.

Saturday

8 hours in bed. Woke h/s/g, bathroom, didn’t sleep well at ALL. Slept in a wee bit, up at 630. 5 chins w/ zero movement. (Forgot set 2.) Ate a good breakfast…then more cereal. Fuck. CPR class all day, was fine. Trip to Scheel’s; found Fruition (carb, not protein) bars that don’t have any junk. Yay! At Target, bought some pita chips for Afton. Which I ate a bag of on the way home along with a bottle of pop. WTF? At home, made venison burgers, stir fry; then just plain ate too much again. Couldn’t get full, basically, just wanted to eat my own hands right off!
Food details: 630a-fried egg, sl bacon, 2sl side pork, 3/4c Honey Nut Cheerios, 1/3c rice milk, c decaf, D, FS, zinc, MA, fish oil; 8a-1.5c reg; 9a-6 almonds; 1045a-18 almonds, banana; 1245p-stir fry, raw veg, c grapes, 2oz teriyaki jerky; 320p-sm apple, oz jerky; 5p-bottle Diet Dr Pepper, oz pita chips; 630p-giant salad w/ grapes & balsamic, venison burger, 2 fried eggs; 8p-crepe, 20-cal cocoa, FS, magnesium, MA, BSM, fish oil
Totals: 2170 cal, 84g fat (19 sat), 224g carbs (30 finer), 164g protein – goal of 1850
Acne: 22

Sunday

7.5 hours in bed. Tired. Scarfed down egg bake and went back to bed for half hour. When alarm went off, checked weather to make sure it didn’t matter, and went back to bed for another hour. Got ready to run 20 miles, kind of dreading it - HIGHLY unusual for me. I just didn’t really want to do it, mental state was poor; on a short run I’d have backed out but I need the long run miles so I tried it. Decided to start at Heather’s so first leg was into the wind.

First two miles felt so effing hard, way more than usual. Runner’s high finally hit around 3.5m. At home, ate more than planned snack, including a motherfucking M&M cookie. Headed out walking the first .4m, ran a mile, walked .15, ran some, walked some. At 10, realized I should just go back home because it was going to take a long time to get back to Heather’s, and she’d be worrying. Total of 11.68 miles in 1h58m.

It wasn’t really physical fatigue, so much as a complete mental inability to “dig deep” or “push through” those first crappy miles. I just. couldn’t. And naturally that made me feel like a failure all over again.

I ate stir fry. Then an entire cantaloupe. Then a venison burger. Ugh. Woke Hop, fetched car from Heather's, took a 3-hour nap. Tested making popcorn balls for the Relay for Life and ate, oh, half of them (popcorn & corn syrup & marshmallow fluff: brilliant). Tried telling myself to start eating like an athlete, give my body what it needs, not what my brain wants. That worked for a semi-healthy supper. Did not work to prevent me from eating half a jar of crunchy Sunbutter. Who the fuck do I think I am, buying a jar of this incredibly delicious stuff? I was planning to bring it to work because I wouldn't binge at my desk. Unfortunately, I bought it on Saturday....stupid! After that I distracted myself with chores and managed to quit eating.

I did decide to try a regular 9pm snack again: apple + PB2. Figured 100 more calories wouldn’t matter at this point. I think it will help to have a snack to look forward to, and I will see if it affects my sleep at all.

Food details: 6a-egg bake; 830a-FS, D, zinc, MA; 9a(pre run)-lemon Fruition bar; (during) CL Pure; 1030a(pit stop)-maple almond butter (planned), half strawberry Fruition, M&M cookie; (during) CL Pure, half Fruition; 11a (post)-stir fry, 3c cantaloupe, venison burger; 4p-popcorn ball mixture; 530p-oz chips, stir fry; 6p-half jar Sunbutter, FS, BSM, MA, fish oil; 9p-sm apple, PB2, Natural Calm, Metamucil
Totals: 3880 cal, 190g fat (33 sat), 395g carbs (69 fiber), 180g protein – goal of 2050
Acne: 23

Monday reset button: fasting. And surviving. But I'm going to yoga at 5:30pm, and I might just need some calories in my body to handle it. Still debating...

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