Friday, February 12

Body: Neck/shoulder/traps were a bit of a problem overnight, and when I woke h/s/g at 130a (and not surprised about it), I took some more outdated ibuprofen. Didn't need any after getting up for the day, though, as it had improved greatly: back to the right side only, and merely tight rather than painfully locked up. Considered logging the missed FAHs, but decided to let them go. Laziness in the eve after a long workday.

Brain: Managed to start the day in a better place than I ended Thursday, though still fairly low. Lunched with Timmy & Mac, but that didn't help a whole lot. What DID help was afternoon chitchat with Dustin, although I fully resisted at first, as he was asking questions that made me want to just bawl; afternoon tiredness led me that close to full depletion again. But then he steered it off into other directions and it was just a nice convo about everything from software to muscle-ups to taxes to vacations. I just seriously love that guy, he is truly as important to me as my family. Plus that's TWO boss-boy convos in one week that fully reinforce how vital NSS is to me. I followed THAT with an extended chitchat with Miss Paige, and I went about my few errands with newfound energy. At home, I stumbled across something I decided to nominate the boss boys for, so I spent well over an hour writing about how awesome they are. THAT was a way to cap off a day: full of love, wrapped in it, reveling in it.

Thursday, February 11

Body: Got out of bed hurting pretty good from the run: deep left glue, left foot. Bleah; Lexi moved better than I did this morning! It went away, mostly. Left hip felt a little improved, shoulder actually felt a LOT improved, and then in my session I fell apart. So hard not to just curl into a ball and bawl. I'm just so frustrated with my body. WHAT am I doing WRONG?!

Brain: The day started really well: coffee w/ CJ, busy doing misc admin-y things, perfecting my kickass spreadsheet, fab meeting with Mike about a couple marketing things & website additions, delegated a task I didn't want to do anyway, got a free turkey egg from Dustin. And then the session made me fall apart pretty hard. Held myself together better than I expected, but it was always RIGHT THERE, just under the surface. I hate how I can have zero perspective on things like this, my brain just always jumps to OH NO NOT AGAIN, HOW MANY MONTHS THIS TIME and I don't know how to change that. Hating on myself tonight, body & brain both.

Wednesday, February 10

Body: Slight ache in glutes due to lunges: I'll take it! Hips feeling better. Shoulder a bit crank while sleeping, but not bad, given yesterday's bench. Yesterday registration opened for the Wild Duluth 50k. Today, I was the first registrant. No time to dawdle and question the smarts of it, I AM DOING THIS THING and the decision has been made. Evening run with my beasties went well, but the last mile was sketchy on the right ITB, and afterward the left-ham insertion area, way up in the glute, was twangy. Not cool.

Brain: Solid. Busy day o' taxes, lunch with the parents - I almost said no because needed to leave early to run, but I asked myself, "Does the extra half hour lunch break MEAN anything?" and realized NO IT DOES NOT. I have to shuck the heavy-ass cloak of responsibility and do what I need to do, and I know this, but it's hard. The run was delightful fun with my ol' running pals chitchatting about the silly road marathon they're running on poor training, in 90F. And we talked dogs and my dogs did really well and it was just wonderful, only missing BK & BL to really perfect it. Silence at home: golden.

Tuesday, February 9

Body: Decent, but hip is still there somewhat, so I deferred squats again. Shoulder has been better, usually don't think of it while driving anymore, though still using the pool noodle on the couch. Session was okay, although pull-ups went down (conclusion: too fat) and bench was yet another fail (conclusion: so weak), but I didn't fall apart. Actually felt rather MEH about it.

Brain: Fine. Doing much better than even a week ago, but still on the low end of "me." A small piece of the stress I keep feeling seems to be the unending "to do" lists at both jobs. Tax season will ALWAYS have a never-ending pile to weed through that I need to forget about; I honestly can't think past the next return without wondering how in the FUCK it will all get done, so I should stop bothering to think that far, right? At NSS, I should be thankful I feel this way, that a 5-hour/week job turned 24-hours isn't leaving me bored. But there is a huge project I'm trying to work on that just drains me (software that I hate and would decline if we didn't already have/use it...and yes, I'm aware of "sunk costs" fallacy) so I tend to avoid it for all the fun stuff, some of which I could delegate - so meanwhile it's nearly mid-February and I've made SO LITTLE progress compared to where I thought I could be a year ago when this was going to become a real job. I'm mad at myself and the shitty software and the feeling of total uselessness.

Anyway, though, brain is fairly stable; was able to go home and knock out chores like a hair-cut, sweeping & vacuuming, and writing instead of reading. Go me!

Monday, February 8

Body: Feels decent. Hank wanted out at a nonsense 4a, so my sleep wasn't great, but I was able to keep dozing until just past 5a. No workout, as I didn't get home until 12+ hours after I left.

Brain: Good. Was pleased to arrive at DBB and learn I did NOT have appointments today, as I am not excited about doing them (anxiety, pressure, etc). Busy day of work I like, followed by Dad's bookwork, followed by an empty house: book finished!

Sunday, February 7

Body: Slept much better after a protein-based supper. Woke a couple times, but never needed to get up. Lifting went okay: lunges instead of squats, decent bench, mediocre deadlifts, brain fine with all of it. Snatches were pretty fantastic: did 110 in 5 minutes with about a full minute of rest included. Hot damn! No PWO nap, didn't need one - that's unusual.

Brain: Got to start the day paying bills and cleaning up my financials, and these things make me happy. Fun with lifting. All planned chores completed, never left the house, had hours to read the book my BB recommended (LOOOVE), snuggles with pets, and time with hubs before he disappears down to FL for 10 days. Pretty much a perfect Sunday.

Saturday, February 6

Body: Woke h/s/g again. I think this is happening because my suppers are too carb-filled, which is challenging to change because my brain seems to Need Carbz. But I am out of potato chips, so I will keep them out, and that shall help get me back on track with protein & veg as primary intake. RIGHT hip was pinchy on steps today, are you goddamn kidding me?

Brain: Another Saturday at the tax firm while everyone else plays. So, you know: awesome. Actually it wasn't so bad, was able to fix up a messy QB file and do the return in only 9 hours, compared to 16 for the same file last year - win! At home, ate with the hubs, read on the couch with the hubs & Clyde, and laughed at the Hankster.

Some things I'm finding to help the brain: shut off the audiobook sometimes. Too much constant chatter in my background is bad. Have been avoiding the NS podcasts to see if that helps the body image issues. Been hiding even more people on FB - which results in less time on FB, so there's a win inside the win. Using my "sunlight" lamp thingy in the mornings as I get ready. Regular intake of supplements: dessicated liver, cod liver oil, & vitamin D (as espoused by Stefani [and others]). It's all helping.