Thursday, July 14

Body: Fairly good; some very mild bench soreness lingering (was also there yesterday). Session wasn't stellar but wasn't bad. A step up from a week ago, even after running last night (but not last Wednesday). I'll take it!

Brain: Doing better. Busy NSS day, although massively frustrating technology that tested me BIG time, silliness with coworkers, normal session with Chief, Relay recognition from the team with very nice words from Chief, more silliness, and then home sweet home. Hubs made me a burger, cats were snugglers, windows open to cool rain meant cozy fleece, dogs were goofballs. Colorado plans. I am in desperate need of a vacation. Desperate.

Wednesday, July 13

Body: Fine. Tired. Woke at about 4a and couldn't fall back. Hubs let dogs out at 430a and I still wanted to sleep but just could not. Ugh. Energy was relatively stable all day (despite boooring webinar watching). Run with DQ went better than I expected; not easy but not brutal. About where I deserve to be, I guess.

Brain: Bad, first off. Very emotional and self-hate-y. Better as I distracted myself with work. I just need to shut off my brain. (Lobotomy?) Run was good. I dare say I need a lot more nature to be non-hate-y. Baby deer and rainbows make life better.

Tuesday, July 12

Body: Feeling surprisingly good. Session went fine: things felt much better than they have in ages, although I'm still extremely frustrated with where I am, because I don't understand the setback at all.

Brain: Started out okay. Busy morning of catching up on Friday's unfinished tasks. Then my quarterly review, the first time we've broached the FT topic in 8 weeks, and it seems the problem really is my price. Although it wasn't stated as such, it was properly couched in terms of making an intelligent business decision once things settle in a few months, which is something I am in full support of because its long-term success is vital to my own - but it left me jumping to the conclusion that if I were cheaper, this would be a done deal. Therefore I once again returned to feeling deeply ashamed of my price. I need a cheaper lifestyle so I can work my dream job. Shame, shame, shame.

I was asked if I wanted to coach the next TT and my "yes" came out strangled and Mike even questioned a second time, and I couldn't explain why because I would have started crying. I had turned into an insecure junior high girl. I had thought it was an obvious thing that I would coach, so when he asked I immediately thought, "Oh, it's not a given that it will be me, maybe he has someone better to ask," rather than what it more likely was, which was "Oh, he wants to make sure I want it, what a nice boss man."

I am incapable of asking for what I want because I am incapable of believing I deserve it. Or anything. I am worthless, in my mind. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am getting worse, not better, as I age. This is tax-season-levels of depression inching back in, and I have got to shut it down. I can't battle that again already. I'm not strong enough.

Monday, July 11

Body: Feels pretty good, just a few mild sore spots. Planned on a rest day anyway, with dad's bookwork over lunch and NSS potluck after work.

Brain: Okay. Draining DBB day of co-op tax return, the ones that make me feel like a total idjit. NSS team potluck was delightful fun, just easy chitchat & stories. Perfection. 

Sunday, July 10

Body: Better than expected. Still very tight Achilles in the morning, but after going up & down the ladder a dozen times, it was much better. Soreness in quads was new. Almost too tired for a workout but I knew it would help recovery, so I did the basics, lightly, and called it good.

Brain: Okay. Still a little tired but able to get everything done without even a nap. Reading time helped, but I couldn't do study time, I just didn't feel smart enough. Hubs home. Three big silly dogs. Two pissed cats. Chores all accomplished. One week of normalcy, and then VACATION!

Saturday, July 9

Body: Went to bed around 630a after Relay. Hank needed out at 9a and OOF my ankles/feet were in pain, I had zero ankle flexion and I felt like a zombie. Back to bed until noon, at which point I felt surprisingly good. Still sleepy and tired, but the body felt a LOT better than I expected. Lazy day. 

Brain: So glad I have zero obligations this weekend. Much catching up to do in terms of reading material, and chores, and mental downtime, and some NSS work even. Took in another big dog for a week, Sam the lab who is almost as perfect as Lexi. Making Hank look bad - good thing he's still my favorite. Got in a decent amount of reading, and watched a movie when my brain began to falter. I haven't watched TV in ages, and tonight reminded me why: the movie was not even 10% as good as the book. 

Friday, July 8

Body: Fair. Left shin much improved, and at Relay it wasn't even a thing after a couple hours. Whew! Feet hurt quite a bit early on, so I swapped to cushier shoes, but the toe box was a little too cramped for happy toes. Lucky I was smart enough to wear Injinjis otherwise I definitely would've had toe-to-toe blisters. Rest of body did well: hips fine, knees fine, glutes fine, surprised there was NOTHING there. Some trap soreness from looking left for too long in the first few hours (chitchatting with Katelynn) and then too much looking down, but hey, that's trail-race training right there. Probably should've paid better attention to water/food/salt but I just kind of waited until I felt crappy and then looked at the time and realized I needed to sit down for some intake. It worked, I never got to feeling too poorly. Even clean-up wasn't quite as exhausting this year, but I was very happy to head home.

Brain: Very busy workday (scattershot would be a good term for it), so I did what had to get done, and completely set aside a Friday task to do it this weekend, because I just didn't have the attention span to get it done today. Felt the usual tiredness coming into Relay, where I've emotionally spent myself in all the donation requests, and physically BLEAH on a hot sunny afternoon, and wishing all the people would get out of my way so I could walk because that's why I'm here, although I enjoyed cruising with Katelynn & my parents. And once all of that passed and the sun went down, my brain state improved immensely. Spent a good amount of time chitchatting with Chief but not enough. I like being able to just talk with him about random shit like books or funny stories or just plain life, and not be in "student/teacher" mode all the damned him. When he left, DQ was my buddy, and then he started running again and I was solo for a while - actually enjoyable because I could walk at my exact pace and not think, just not think about anything at all - and then Chris showed up which was a nice surprise. Then Chief returned and DQ quit running and we finished up after I finally hit 26.2. Then clean-up which takes an hour but feels so much longer (and also feels so wasteful) and then home to delighted pets and a blissful bed.