Thursday, July 30

  • Larabars: 2
  • smoked almonds de amazeballs
  • Daiya cheeze pizza

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 84% quality. Solid as shit, but again the alarm woke me & it didn't feel like quite enough. Am I still catching up from Tahoe, 1.5 weeks later?

Healthy Movement: Body felt pretty good today, no lingering anything other than that hamstring. It didn't like deadlifts in session; ended up doing rather squatty deadlifts on the trapbar to avoid angering it. Just feels tight, and today it was at both ends, whereas some days it's the top or the bottom that's worse. It's definitely improving, though, as it was perfectly happy during TGUs, where I usually feel it in those hinges. Happy pull-ups!

Fun & Play: Deer walking through the backyard, and watching them with Hank & Oscar. NSS & no jury duty! My first weekly meeting with Dustin, which was great. Silliness in the staff meeting. Was super productive, I have made insane progress on this project they threw at me. I know they expected me to be higher-level than I am (and high-level has served THEM quite well, look at what they've accomplished!) and didn't expect me to take quite this long on it, and heck, they probably won't appreciate the effort or understand my need to build it all from the ground up, but when it's still working for us in 3 years, I think that they'll get it! A genius end-of-day idea from CJ to fetch Caribou for everyone in the morning. Quiet house. Fetch. Pizza!

Temperance: Each week in the NSS staff meeting, they update the group on personal & professional goals. Dustin gave me a heads-up last week, but I couldn't come up with anything, nothing, that I wanted to claim as a goal. Like, I didn't even want a goal. In the meeting I just said I was goal-less and aimless, and I got off with that. The past couple days I've dome some dwelling, and I realized that I hate the idea of setting goals (for me). I said a much-watered-down form of all this in today's meeting, and everyone let me get away with it, even Dustin, so it's not an NSS issue at all, it's a Sabrina issue. And here it is:

I spent so many years being so very goal-driven, achieving cool things left & it may have seemed. Because for a while, yes, I accomplished everything I set out to do. But at some point, I began to fail constantly. I couldn't do anything, or anything quite as well as I had planned, so I either scaled back goals (a 4:38 Boston Marathon after qualifying with 3:48!), or gave up on goals (body fat, muscle-up, etc), because it became clear that my original goal was too ambitious.

Being a driven overachiever who is also highly emotional, I saw those adjustments or abandonments as personal failures. I took them as a sign that I sucked, rather than logically realizing my goals were not achievable to start with.

Because on paper, they were!

But in the reality of my weak willpower pathetic self beaten mindset overbooked life, they simply weren't.

But in my mind, I failed constantly. My own ambition beat me to smithereens.

So my recent, and fervent, desire to quit racing, quit competing, just STOP PUSHING, all stemmed from that. I realized I could just enjoy the running & lifting for what they are & how they feel & what they do for me, and without a competition I still do all those things just as frequently, maybe more so. That has led me to a place where I am [mostly] content to be where I am: a decent runner, a decent lifter, not injured, able to do most of what I want. So. Much. Happier.

The idea of turning any of that back into a specific measurable goal, with an end date, and thus with the giant, horrible, no-good, very-bad, fanged dragon of failure hovering just behind that date, makes me clench my fists & grit my teeth. I have a visceral reaction in the exact same way as the phrase "obedient wife" causes. (NO NO NO NONONO NOFUCKINGNO!)

It would actually de-motivate me to say I have a goal of 25 ring pull-ups. If, every single week, I had to talk about how many pull-ups I could do, how far I am from 25, then for me it would insinuate that today's 22 is "bad" - because it's not 25, which is when I'll finally be "good." I'm going to start to hate pull-ups if I have to constantly talk about how I'm not where I want to be!

I want a bodyweight bench so badly I can taste it, but I'm not going to turn that into a worrisome angsty obsession. I will get there when my body is ready, and I will not benefit from turning it into a do-or-die focus. Some people, many people, might benefit hugely from such a focus. But I will not, and I know this to my core. If I was lasered in on that, I would be lifting at home every weekend like I want to. But then I would do it even when I'm overly fatigued and should NOT be doing it, and that's when I get injured, and then depression ain't far behind. Instead, if I stay with my current focus, which is home lifting if it feels good & sounds fun, that's when Sabrina stays healthy and happy. If it means my BW bench moves out another month because I haven't been doing any home lifting, who cares? If I'm healthy & happy, THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

Now, I can do fairly well with long-term, habit-based, big-picture goals. A million pounds of pull-ups this year? Hell, I'll be there within a couple months. 1000 trail miles? A little sketchier on that one because it is pretty ambitious, but I'm on track if my fall goes well & I avoid injury & stay out on the trails when the weather turns. But I don't want to talk about those every week, bleah, no, that's not going to help me achieve them. Definitely not.

And ugh, professional goals? How about I get to sit on my ass for a little fucking while? I just dove head first off the corporate ladder, and I landed in my dream job, and my goal is to stay there. I will do awesome work, but I don't need goals to keep me on track & doing's just how I operate. Holea suggested the spreadsheet I'm creating is a goal, but I don't think it is: it's a project. That's not the same thing. I can't "achieve" it. I guess I can achieve FINISHING it by Tuesday when I meet with M & D, but that feels like a cop-out, not a true goal. I'll have it done by then because it needs to be done by then, period.


I don't know.

I can't really wrap a pretty bow around this mess of goal angst. It feels like it could be a true blog post, but I'm not yet through to a clean & clear viewpoint. Some day, maybe.

Wednesday, July 29

Nutrition: Pretty hungry lately. Struggling to eat enough despite mounds of smoked almonds daily. Caved to three Larabars today, which sucks because acne is already kind of rotten, lots of little cysts going on.
  • 3 Larabars
  • Chocolate super cookies
  • Superb smoked almonds 

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 88% quality. Solid, but alarm had to wake me and it didn't quite feel like enough.

Healthy Movement: Ended my day barefoot at DBB, as the shoes were feeling really tight, but I didn't have fat feet at all. Weird. Not sore from squats, and eager to run, but felt rather tired by the time I got to LCSP. Happily, it went quite well, with only some random feelings of tightness from the hamstring, more on uphills but not consistently so. Definitely slow, and hoping I can get there often enough in August to hit the point where I can run all the hills without issue - like last fall. But before fall! I need to run more than three times per week to reach that point, though.

Fun & Play: Out of jury duty again* and thankful because it was a case scheduled to go into tomorrow. DBB progress on the insane tax return, and nice chats with a few folks. Trails with half of my besties & a bonus three (one of which was a pooch!) on a night that was much cooler, thus fewer mosquitoes & flies, oh so lovely. Fantastic supper from the hubs: bacon burgers & bacon-wrapped sweet potato. I've asked him why he's sucking up to me, and he says he isn't!

Stress Management: *but not until 11 this time, only able to leave after hearing 25 people answer a ton of questions and never being called up myself. But you can't bring anything to do; in case you ARE called up, you have to answer the same questions. Insanely frustrating to sit there and accomplish nothing at all, but also because I didn't get to work until quarter to noon, and I can't make up that time, nor do I have any kind of vacation there. At least, not yet. I might be able to earn 20% of whatever their policy is, but I actually don't know.

Temperance: Which brings up a bit of a sore point this week: I'm not NEW at either job, so there has been zero formal new-hire treatment at either place. And yet, I freaking AM new!

There is much I don't know about daily operations at NSS, because it's never been a part of what I did there, so I have never asked nor cared. I've been tossed into staff meetings with zero preface. There's a freaking team member handbook, and I've not received one! And there's been no announcement of any kind about me joining the team, which actually stings a lot. I am there because those peeps are my tribe, and the lack of fanfare sure doesn't make me feel like I am part of THEIR tribe. I'm telling myself it's because they don't so much see me as new, but still, how can they not?!

At DBB, I've only ever worked during tax season, other than a few visits to clients a few years ago - yes, I've been there for 13 tax seasons, but it would be nice to learn some of the "normal year" practices. I don't even know how formal or casual I can dress? I know I can ask, but it would be helpful to see some kind of policy info if they have any...but hell, maybe they don't have any, I don't know! Tax boss keeps things chill, which is completely awesome 99% of the time, but some defined things would be nice to know without asking or just wondering until I reach the point where it's been so damn long that I'd feel like an idiot for asking.

I don't want the sort of insane newbie orientation that TS had, NO THANK YOU MADAM, happy to be away from such formalities, but something would be nice? Something somewhere between that and nothing whatsoever, pure zero?

Tuesday, July 28

Nutrition: Acne is developing...from...?
  • Larabars: 2
  • Bestest smoked almonds 

Sleep: 7.75 hours in bed, 915p-5a, 79% quality. Woken at 4a by Hanky & the terrifying (to him) thunder as a storm rolled through. Managed to fall back, but alarm woke me at 5a. UGH.

Healthy Movement: Had to lift at 630a with CJ, thanks to jury duty. It went okay; squats stayed a touch light due to hamstring. After yesterday's crappy run, I was grateful it was a step better today, and want to keep it progressing. Big run this weekend. Didn't get sore from squats, a welcoming far cry from last week's three-day ache. 

Fun & Play: In the box for jury duty, but not selected, woo hoo! Got to NSS by 10 and then worked through lunch and past 4 to make up for that missing time. Fun times. Lots of time outside when I got home, lovely. Much hubs time.

Monday, July 27

Nutrition: I was hungry as hell at DBB today. Frustrating.
  • Larabars: 2
  • fuckton of smoked almonds

Sleep: 8.25 hours in bed, 915p-530a, 69% quality. Felt pretty effing solid to me, dunno what that's about. Woke at 5a and could've fallen back, seems I did, as the alarm started buzzing at 528a*. Need to turn in on the early side every night this week and see if that restores my recovery. *Going to make 530a my standard wake time; even on weekends this is probably when I want to get up for a long run, so I'm going to get me & those pooches all trained to it!

Healthy Movement: Standing at DBB got old fast. Lower legs were tight/sore; I still need mats at both places, but somehow it's easier at NSS; maybe I move more there? Ran in the blazing hot heat after work, and the sad/tight hamstring was a welcome excuse to quit early; heat + roads + solo = suck.

Fun & Play: A day at DBB! A challenging-as-hell tax return. Chitchatting about Tahoe with taxy peeps; I wonder how BK would feel knowing he's some kind of legend for those folks. A semi-okay run after yesterday's mental fail. Hubs time, including the possibility of taking the dogs camping so I can run on the SHT.


Sunday, July 26

  • smoked almonds

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 64% quality. Better; don't remember waking for anything. Napped post-run, 10a-12p or so, but chopped up by hubs.

Healthy Movement: Excitedly headed to Andes for singletrack delightful times with my favorites, but the body kind of failed me a bit, and the brain REALLY did. Napped afterward and felt a tiny bit better.

Fun & Play: Seeing my pals and nice, new, lovely trails. Nap. Hubs time.

Temperance: Hate the pity party that my run turned into. I kept thinking it was unfair that everyone else is so much faster, and I can't keep up. But I'm recovering from Tahoe, but so is Brian and HE is just fine, so why am I taking so long, but he's a dandelion and I'm a stupid orchid. Or Heidi just ran a hard ten miles yesterday and she says this is hard, but she's totally keeping up with the boys, so why do I suck so bad? It's because of lifting, but I LOVE lifting, and shouldn't it be good for me to do both, I mean COME ON. It's not fair, I'm trying so hard at all of this, and I put so much more effort into recovery than anyone else, why does it have to be SO HARD.

Saturday, July 25

  • Breakfast at Trav's
  • Larabars: 1
  • bag olive oil potato chips (healthy supper!)

Sleep: 8.5 hours in bed, 845p-530a, 60% quality. Awake (h/s/g) 2-230a, otherwise solid. Also napped 9-11a or so.

Healthy Movement: Ran an easy 5k with Monica. Legs still felt like hell (from squats) going in, but by the end, things felt just fine. No issue with hamstring. Intended to lift afterward, but a nap was more important. Rescheduled lifting to post-party, but by then I didn't want to do a damned thing. Forced a pull-up bonanza (40 in 11 minutes) and then called it good, and brought my book to my couch for the rest of the night.

Fun & Play: Run with Monica, first time we've ran in ages...since last fall, I'd say. Breakfast with Monica & Dan. Nap time. Keri's super fun awesome party, which was an incredible event that also included much lovely chitchat with many lovely TS peeps.

Time & ability to crash with my book. I sort of wanted to accomplish some chores, but it felt imperative to focus on full mental & physical recovery from Tahoe. Too soon back into normal life, too many social outings, high need to withdraw & shut down. Very grateful I had that luxury.

Friday, July 24

  • Larabars: 2
  • Pint Arctic zero

Sleep: 8 hours in bed, 930p-530a, 87% quality. Again solid, again alarm had to wake me. Total energy crash by 2p or so. Almost fell asleep during hammock time. 

Healthy Movement: Sore in biceps and elbows. Squat soreness is MUCH worse. Pretty much all quad, almost no backside; weird. And so very fierce; the kind people get addicted to but I now detest. I want to be strong, not sore. Friday rest day as usual. Feet were sore by 2p or so, found myself sitting & slacking due to physical & mental fatigue. 

Fun & Play: Significant progress on giant NSS project, enough to completely drain my brain power by 2p as I physically slowed. Nice chitchats with my NSS peeps. Got to share Tahoe stories with Colt and brag up BK. Lovely voice mail: no jury duty Monday...though maybe still on Tuesday. Gah. Hammock time. Reading time. Sunggly pets time.