Thursday, June 23

Body: Low back again very tight all morning, improved tons after session. Session went surprisingly well considering how I've been feeling; had I come in feeling better I would even have attempted 255 deadlift, but I decided I could be satisfied with stringing together another week of 245x2 given the mental state. I also nailed a 75x2 overhead press which felt surprisingly easy, like another rep wasn't out of the question. Holy shit! Played a game of wiffleball that the boss boys won once again, very fun. Couch to 5k felt hot and bleah, but we made it short and I finished up with the "slowpokes" who I suspect will outlast everyone else in terms of keeping it in their schedules.

Brain: Bleah all morning, scattered shots at productivity. Session was a huge boost, as was team meeting. Couch to 5k was a happy send-off, thrilled to be done despite how glad I am to keep doing it. Received a bonus at NSS today and although nothing was said about FT, naturally I interpreted it as "because we can't hire you, here's something to keep you happy," and it made me want to cry. I want to tear it up and throw it at them because it's NOT ENOUGH. I don't want bonuses; I want to be there full-time, and I want to be able to afford the pay cut they need me to take, and I have to find a way to make that happen, because the lack of answer is a clear sign they can't pay what I asked for, and I miss that momentary two weeks where I felt like I had delivered all that stress to them and it was just a matter of time. Sigh. I need some extensive downtime, yo.

Wednesday, June 22

Body: Tired again; now it's Oscar waking me at 430a onward. FML. Low back tight from the very very start, so I sat all morning, and it was better in the afternoon. Sore from my sad little bench presses yesterday, nothing from squats. No lie: went to bed at 808 pm. 

Brain: So tired. Would have taken a skip day from DBB and got my CEC's from home, but I actually had appointments today. It helped to get the heck out and change things up. Not enough, though. Slogged through the afternoon then had a blast at SSS, came home feeling much better.  

Tuesday, June 21

Body: So tired. Energy okay, but DAMN my low back is badly tight. I know it's stress. Got even worse during session (which didn't go so well). Sat for most of the afternoon to relieve the back & work on an intense project, but then my left shoulder ended up cranky. Can't win. Couch to 5k was easier than I expected given the back, but once I got home my left toe tendon was extremely sore. From 3.2 miles? That's also stress.

Brain: Busy and productive day at NSS. No Chief for my session yet again. I miss him. I miss my therapy via HH or Chief; I get none at all right now and that's why my body is acting like it is. I am stretched too thin, I don't have enough time for the things/people that build me back up, so I am near to breaking. Brittle.

Monday, June 20

Body: Tired. Fucking Clyde wakes me up at 430a every GD day, and today I responded by shoving him off the bed about three times before he seemed to leave me alone. But then, just as I fall back asleep...Hank starts in by 515a. It is not sustainable. Energy stayed okay despite total brain drain on continuing education junk. Lowe back very very tight. Wanted to sit, badly. 

Brain: Tired and crank. Slogged through my DBB day, had fun at NSS SSS. Stayed late and decorated for RFL but really losing my enthusiasm for it since my coworkers seem so uninterested. 

Sunday, June 19

Body: Tired. Not brain-dead "hate the world" fatigue levels, but your basic ongoing "not enough sleep, or poor quality," and just not feeling normal. A bit unmotivated and fearing any kind of pressure, I turned my workout into playtime by doing various progressions from BRLGB so that every set was something a little different, only sometimes hard, and always fun. Rest of the day was laziness at parents' or working on LAE stuff & chores.

Brain: Okay. Bunch of reading time and a dose of morning coffee in the blissful silence of our yard. Visited the parents and felt very "other" when topics of guns, politics, etc, or TV-watching came up; I just wanted to be somewhere else with people I could understand. I didn't even tell them about the PT cert plan, because I just don't know how to talk to them sometimes, and today was one of those days. Also, one of the very first things my mother said to me was to ask me about the acne breakout on my face. For nowhere near the first time; why does she HAVE TO point out something ugly that I obviously already know about, and feel highly sensitive about? All that shit does is reinforce the fear that when others look at me, all they see is my acne - because that seems to be all that my own GD mother sees. I have no idea why she does this and I don't know how to tell her to fuck off without actually telling her to fuck off. So much for thinking it was safe to go see my own parents without makeup because I actually thought my skin was looking okay enough. Back home, I went back to LAE tasks, and I have everything done that CAN be done at this point. But really not looking forward to the chaos of messages that will come this week, and definitely not doing all of this again next year.

Saturday, June 18

Body: Tired as always, but decent enough to run normal speed rather than Coucher speed. Had planned & packed for more miles afterward, but I was just not interested in logging more mileage in such rotten humidity, so I went to work on LAE stuff. Then energy crashed, so a nap was needed, then I forced myself to take Hanky LCSPing. Since it was blazing hot, not to run, just to get time on feet. Relay is only a few weeks away and I intend to walk a marathon again, so I should just focus on time on feet at this point.

Brain: Decent. Enjoyed running "hard" for once, but frustrated that it didn't energize me for more. Tired of LAE tasks and glad it'll all be finished in a week. Made myself stay up late for some bonfire time with the hubs and fireflies, but I didn't make it past 10pm.

Friday, June 17

Body: Fairly good. Slept better. Achey from deadlifts but just the usual general fatigue. Energy was better and I didn't end the day exhausted like most Fridays lately.

Brain: Doing better. Good productivity at NSS led me to start working on a Tuesday task already: writing the final (of this year) Couch to 5k newsletter. Forgot the ear buds, so again I sought silence in the boss boy office which helped a lot. Delivery of eggs (which I then forgot at NSS, natch) and Caribou from my BB, and saw GP for the first time in aaages. Also lunched with Timmy & Mac for the first time in aaages. Next up is to reconnect with Ms Shannon. Soon, please! Reserved our August camping spot tonight, after Timmy highly praised the park. Lots of trails to be hiked there, so we'll have happy pooches again. 

Made more headway on LAE work, but am kind of dreading tomorrow's effort. I am doing two people's worth of volunteer jobs while Brett is doing oh...a dozen or so. And all proceeds go to a cause I don't really care about...so why exactly am I doing all this?