Monday, May 30

Body: Got up feeling good, but a bit achey. Run at LCSP was a bit of a letdown, got hot and tired with a mile to go and took a shortcut. That's despite several extended stops, which I thought would make it doable. Well, so I'm not up for a lap yet - that's fixable, and it's not even my goal to be at that point yet.

Brain: Annoyed by social media, so many people being hidden lately. I am near to hiding a former bestie who just can't make time for me/us anymore, not even to send my beloved Heidi across the country, can't be bothered to see her for the last time. Sad, hurt, frustrated, DONE with being treated as second-rate. Trying to find the balance of loving fully, showing unconditional positive regard - and guarding my tender, soft heart. (Still.) (Always?) 

Loved the morning outing with ROUSers & TROUSers, coffee with a small subgroup, and more tentative plans with my Heidi before she bails. In two weeks. Half my heart leaves for California in just two weeks. I ache.

Busied myself with cleaning and packing the camper for the upcoming weekend. This week will be jam-packed with work & planning & packing, but it's survivable because at the end is 48 hours with my hubs & my pups & new trails & beautiful nature. I can't wait to love it!

Sunday, May 29

Body: Pretty decent, no specific aches or pains, but workout felt a little harder than I wanted it to. Definitely couldn't have done a proper set of deadlifts, but tire flips & swings were doable. Enjoyed a nap again. Had intended to take the pooches LCSP-ing, but didn't have the energy for it, and had too much else to accomplish around home.

Brain: Okay. Sent Mike some more numbers and worked on my brain state, regarding NSS. Feeling very vulnerable and fearful, and working to understand how to deal with that. Decent amount of hubs time, and did some planning for camping vacation next weekend.

Saturday, May 28

Body: Very enjoyable Couch to 5k outing, nice cool weather. Then spent many hours butchering beef, cleaning equipment, hauling & dividing beef. Very tired, nap time was a must after several nights of 3am wake-ups. Decent energy rest of the day, even stayed up late for a bonfire.

Brain: Solid. Good family time, though I had to bite my lip at political-leaning talk. Mild frustration with puppy & hubs. Enjoyable bonfire time. Regret that I wasn't more productive, but it was lovely to be lazy.

Friday, May 27

Body: Okay. No aches or pains or unusual fatigue, pretty normal day.

Brain: Busy, slightly overwhelmed with various to-dos. Lunched with my BB. Farewell-for-now to CJ. Exciting Relay fundraising stuff. Plans to work on that a bit over the weekend. LAE stuff to do at home. Busy busy. Yet time to chill & read.

Thursday, May 26

Body: Another night of bad sleep, definitely need to track calories. I keep waking up with puffy eyes, too, what the hell? Body felt squat soreness (was there yesterday, too) but it felt okay once I was moving. Yet I failed on a 235 deadlift. I almost cried. I JUST started running again, and my deadlift is already gone? Utter sadness. Slight weird twinge going on in my right hip flexor after that deadlift, but it went away quickly post-session. Couch to 5k was still warm, but the cooling breeze made a dramatic difference, and it felt pretty good to run. We are at double digits!

Brain: NSS day happiness. Sharing fantabulous fundraising news/plans. Finished my 3-year budget projections and they are still not great, but not terrible either. But it's basically up to the boss boys to decide whether or not I'm worth it, and while I will fully understand if they decide I'm not (or even just not yet), I will also be completely crushed. Yet just in talking with Dustin about preparing to own SSS, I felt so lost and unsure and hesitant and like old me, depression me, sadface me, and I need to shake that feeling, I hate that feeling. I want to be confident me, and I don't know what's causing this other than "New" and "Scary" and "I want it so badly but what if I suck at it." Hubs is working on new job leads, and if he could just go make a decent amount of money that's actually only 40 hours per week which frees him up for side jobs to boost his intake some, I could lower my number and we could all be happier (well, except DBB). The load of stress I dumped a week ago by talking with boss boys has crept back on. I need a magic wand, please. PLEASE.

Wednesday, May 25

Body: Tired, a little achey in lower legs & feet. Road running is not for me, when just 3 miles has an impact, but twice that on trails gave zero aches. Extremely tired by just 1p. Since I had nothing pressing, bailed for a solid nap with kittehs, then lazed about until SSS.

Brain: Tired, a little cranky. Not interested in taxercising. Listened to a useless webinar today, and in the meantime I mocked up a plan to figure out CECs for my various certifications. Win win! But also: cripes, a lot of studying ahead of me. Good thing I love learning! Had a lovely afternoon playing hooky, but I am upset at how tired I am. Decided I should track calorie intake to make sure I'm actually eating enough. Fun at SSS, though a bit terrified that it's only me from here on out.

Tuesday, May 24

Body: Really & truly feeling better than I have in a long time. Session went great in terms of squats & pulls, but oddly my bench was kinda MEH, just felt off, slow, awkward. I felt that way all afternoon, myself. Eve couch to 5k was a HOT MESS, 84F & sunny & pretty gross. I created a walking excuse and enjoyed it. I hate running in the heat! Some aches afterward, particularly toe tendons (both).

Brain: Somewhat overwhelming day at NSS, felt like my to-do list only grew, although I did actually get a lot done. No chiefs talk which left me feeling a little rejected; even though I know my info is part of the hold-up, it felt like I was being avoided. (I kept telling myself that I was making up stories with no basis.) I spent many hours working on my spreadsheets o' projections, but kept having problems and not understanding why things looked SO dismal, until on my way home I realized I had created a faulty formula. WHEW, now I know how to fix it and I'm glad I didn't pass along bad numbers! Enjoyed C25k for the most part, but my brain has begun working on how to get more volunteer coaches so it isn't me & Dan over & over & over, committing ten weeks to this project. It's hard to have it at the same time as SSS, and I wish I didn't feel guilty about my two weekends away & taking Saturdays off. We just need a few more runners to care about it, and we'd be set.